Real California Farmers Tell Fake Farmer Devin Nunes To Go Fuck Some Cows

We only wrote this post so we could make a lot of 'Devin Nunes, Alleged Cowfucker' jokes. Please enjoy!

As we constantly chronicle the fuckery of Devin Nunes obstructing justice for Donald Trump, we often forget Nunes is still just a regular shitty congressman with constituents he doesn't pay much attention to. (And he's up for re-election in November, just like all the rest of the House! Donate to his opponent Andrew Janz please.)

Nunes has made his name in California's 22nd district as somebody who is jes' folks, leaning heavily on his status as a dairy farmer. Like, he has been touching cow nipples FOREVER, you guys. There was his cow named Gem back when he was a young man, and we just don't know how many cows there have been since then, but we are guessing A LOT.

Anyway, the point is that Nunes has not actually been a dairy farmer in fucking forever. We joke around a whole bunch about how Devin Nunes maybe perhaps is the type of person who fucks cows, but in no way can you consider that "farming." And at least a few of his constituents agree! They are actual farmers, and they are sick and tired of Devin Nunes lying to them by calling himself a "farmer" on all their ballots, considering how he's totally not a farmer anymore and no matter how many cows' phone numbers are in his little black book (allegedly), any time he spends with them is EXTRA-CURRICULAR and NOT (SAFE FOR?) WORK.

So in that spirit, they have filed a petition in Sacramento Superior Court to make Fucking Devin stop calling himself a "farmer" on the ballot:

The petition was filed on behalf of Paul Buxman, a Dinuba stone fruit farmer, as well as Daniel O'Connell and Hope Nisly [...]

O'Connell is an active advocate for local farmers and is the executive director of the Central Valley Partnership. His Facebook account lists his occupation as an ecosystem services consultant for the University of California system's Agriculture and Natural Resources department. [...]

"I don't believe (Nunes) has had any income from farming for at least 10 years," Buxman said. "He has some interest in a few wineries, but he's distanced himself from those and says he has no involvement in their day-to-day management."

Now, you are obviously thinking that these are Deep State farmers, only going after poor fucking Devin because he is too close to exposing the REAL TRUTH about how HILLARY CLINTON colluded with the DODGY DOSSIER to STEAL THE ELECTION FROM HERSELF, but you are a damn liar and you are wrong! Buxman, the stone fruit farmer, says he used to be a Devin Nunes supporter, and that he still prays for him all the time. He's just fucking tired of Devin Nunes calling himself a farmer, when actually Devin Nunes isn't a real farmer and also Devin Nunes hasn't done shit for the farmers in his district.

Buxman even lists things Fucking Devin has been neglecting, and surprise, they are a whole bunch of Donald Trump Specials:

[H]is well has gone dry and he's lost orchards due to lack of water; his neighbors' workers have been targeted in ICE audits [ Donald! -- ed.]; and the recent rush of tariffs has ruined the market for his crops. [ DONALD! -- ed.]

The Fresno Bee   reports this fun little legal action to get Devin Nunes to go fuck some cows (which is just a common expression for "stop calling yourself a farmer, you fake farmer") was paid for by a Democratic super PAC, and we're just real glad these farmer-type people agreed to be the face of it. We'll keep you posted on what happens, as the Bee reports that this all has to be resolved by August 30.

We literally only wrote this post so we could make lots of Devin Nunes, Alleged Cowfucker jokes, and we feel we have accomplished that, so goodbye!

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[ Fresno Bee ]