Republicans Bleeding From Their Everywheres, And It Is Awesome

How's the lady outreach going?

The Republican Party is in the middle of a terribly bloody fight right now about which one of these assholes is the biggest asshole to women. (Hint: It's all of them.) Thanks to the party's current favorite presidential contender, Donald Trump, the GOP is trying, yet again, to prove it does not hate Vagina-Americans. And, like all the other failed attempts before this one, it's going as well as you'd expect.

It all started when Fox Blonde Megyn Kelly did not actually get on her girl knees and blow Trump's undoubtedly YOOOGE beer can cock during the Republican debate last week -- which he totally wonanyway, yes he did, screw you stupid losers who think otherwise. The only plausible explanation, according to Trump, is that Megyn Kelly was on the rag, with "blood coming out of her wherever." Nowthatis some classy talk, Mr. Trump! But that's only the preface.

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In response to Trump saying the exact sort of thing men say about women every single day, his fellow Republicans attempted to distinguish themselves from Trump, by going all feminazi on this kind of inappropriate misogynist language. Jeb! Bush said it was "wrong" of Trump to say what he did, but, more importantly, it sure does make the Republican Party look bad.

"Do we want to win?" he asked. "Do we want to insult 53 percent of all voters?" Dunno, Jeb, you tell us. You're the one whojust the other dayinformed us that you don't think we need to be spending a half billion dollars on "women's health issues," and, as president, you will shut down Planned Parenthood and make poor women go to "crisis pregnancy centers" for their healthcare instead. That's where they can get some of that good old fashioned slut-shaming Jeb is so fond of, for single mothers, especially those receiving public assistance, because that's the kind of feminist he is.

But to show exactly how much Jeb doesn't understand anything about anything at all in the universe, at Erick Erickson's conservative cousin-fucking shindig in Georgia this weekend, from which Trump was disinvited for being "rude," Jeb sucked on the Fox News contributor's dick stump by telling him he is "on the side of women." And gosh, if Jeb Bush declares you a Great Feminist Hero, it must be so! Erickson, as we all know, is the southern-fried shit weaselwho launched a Twitter campaignto tell Texas state Sen. Wendy Davis (or, as he calls her, Abortion Barbie) to sit down and shut up. Such a gentleman. Last October, he blamed "fat lesbians" for sucking up all the government's research dollars that should have gone toward creating an Ebola vaccine. So of course Jeb thinks he's on the side of women. Because Jeb is an idiot with a terrible track record of his own. As Donald Trump himselfnoted on Sunday:  

“I think it’s amazing because three days ago, he was talking so negatively about women’s health issues,” Trump said. “And I thought it was disgraceful frankly. And I think that will go down to haunt him and maybe be the same as Romney’s 47 percent, which possibly cost him the election. Jeb was very negative on women’s health and when you’re negative on women’s health, you can forget about it.

"I’m the exact opposite. I cherish women. I want to help women. I want to do things for women that no other candidates can do.”

OfcourseTrump cherishes women. That's why he's married so many of them. And really, what other candidates in the race can claim to care about women more than Trump? Certainly not Carly Fiorina. Sure, she's a broad and all, and yeah, she had some real harsh words for Trump, saying on Sunday that his words were "completely inappropriate and offensive."

But in the very same interview, Fiorina also explained why she opposes mandatory paid maternity leave, because the government sucks and should therefore never require anything of any business, because that is plain unfair to business. And if an employer doesn't want to provide paid maternity leave, well, that's U.S. American freedom for ya, ain't it great? Also, a great way to woo the women voters, by telling them what theydon'tdeserve. Good job, Carly!

The other menfolk, some of them anyway, tried to score some points too. Ohio Gov. John Kasich -- who once boasted that his "hot wife" was at home doing his laundry, like a good little woman -- said he did not "appreciate" Trump's comments. Dr. Ben Carson called the comments "mean." Dr. Rand Paul called them "vulgar." But some of the candidates, like Mike Huckabee and Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio (remember, he's the "classy" one ), don't want to talk about it at all.

Of course Republicans don't want to talk about it. Trump isstill  kicking ass in the polls , even after last Thursday's debate, and the party has no idea how to make it stop. Plus, the GOP has a record on women that is fucking AWFUL, and they still haven't figured out how to teach candidates to not say stupid shit, so really, best to avoid the whole conversation whenever possible.

Meanwhile, Donald Trump is not the least bit sorry. And why should he be? When he calls women fat pigs or says they are "disgusting" for breast-feeding their babies, it's only out of self-defense:  

“I was attacked very viciously by those women,” he said of female opponents his detractors say he has demeaned.

“What they said about me is far worse than what I said about them,” Trump added. “Am I allowed to defend myself? I want to get back to the country. We have such problems.”

Of course Donald Trump is allowed to defend himself. And Jeb! Bush is allowed to accidentally be honest about what he thinks of women's healthcare. And Carly Fiorina is allowed to talk about being a woman and how she thinks women are just fine as is and don't need anything from her except to treat government like it's Hewlett-Packard and try to kill it dead.

Please, Republicans, do continue to speak your minds and say what you really believe and show the American people what your party is really about. It's not like it can hurt you, because none of you are going to be president anyway.

[ Think Progress / CNN / NYT / The Hill ]