Richard Cohen Wants To Kiss Men But Does Not Want To Kiss Ladies You Guys

Do you wake up in the morning and think: "man, I sure wish I could get paid fancy WaPo monies to write about, well, nothing really?" (SPOILER ALERT/TRIGGER WARNING: we wish for that gig EVERY. DAMN. DAY). Do you also wish that you could be the least self-aware motherfucker on God's green earth while simultaneously navel gazing all the time? If you answered "yes" then you are probably trying to be Richard Cohen! 

I fear for the kiss. I come from a kissing culture — I kissed my father and he kissed me and I kiss my son and so it will always be, yea verily yea — and I also kiss my Italian male friends, for this is their culture, and they kiss me. But that’s it! I am drawing the line. I do not want others to kiss me, which is starting to happen. Neither do I want to kiss female acquaintances on the lips, which is also starting to happen. I say good-bye and they pucker up. No! This is reserved for love and by love I mean real love, not the silly xoxo stuff that clutters the Internet with false, saccharine intimacy and emotion. And what is : )? Please, someone, help me.

So many things to say. Where do we start? This sentence + sentence fragment:

 This is reserved for love and by love I mean real love, not the silly xoxo stuff that clutters the Internet with false, saccharine intimacy and emotion. And what is : )? 

Can you understand what this means we cannot understand what this means. Guys, we write mangled sentences for Wonket all the time, but even we couldn't come up with that sentence, and the Editrix would never let us tack on something like "And what is : )?" at the end of our terrible mangled sentence. Perhaps Richard Cohen needs an editor? Richard Cohen does not need an Editrix, however, because he does not deserve one because he would just sexually harass her and every other lady  in sight:

But when Mr. Cohen himself was accused of engaging in “inappropriate behavior” toward Devon Spurgeon, a 23-year-old editorial aide at the paper, Post management went into its own form of crisis mode: Staff members are forbidden to discuss the matter, the participants in the dispute have been frozen out by superiors, and Post executive editor Leonard Downie Jr. is refusing to comment.

To be fair, it is really hard to know when it is love real love not the silly xoxo stuff when you are trying to hit on young ladies that work for you!! Especially when they all want to kiss you. And who wouldn't want to kiss creepy avuncular-looking Richard Cohen, especially when he has derp thoughts about ladies such as this:

But it could be that the urge to get closer to cocktail waitresses and denizens of dimly lit hotel lounges is in some way linked to the drive to conquer, to prevail — to succeed. It could explain why all this time into the Age of Feminism, years after women were liberated, women make up less than 20 percent of Congress and only 3 percent of those top CEOs.

The reason the Glass Ceiling has not broken is that women have other priorities — maintaining relationships and being a mother. This is the way it is, and this is the way it has always been.

OK. Let's sum up Richard Cohen's thoughts on women in one Cohen-esque sentence: You shouldn't kiss ladies when they want to kiss you because that is not real love but you should sexually harass them because they don't really want to be in the workplace your workplace they just want to be mommies.

How'd we do?

(thanks [????] to Charlie Pierce for pointing out this monstrosity)

[ WaPo ]