Rick Perry Apparently Serious About Trying To Be President Again

You'd think, given the spectacular FAIL that was the presidential campaign of the now former but still indicted Texas governor, Rick Perry might want to reconsider another attempt at the White House. But nope! Yee haw, he is going to do this thing again, because he sure as heck didn't buy those smart glasses for nothin'.

Perry recently took a trip to New Hampshire, a state that laughed its granite ass off at him in the 2012 Republican primary, where he placed significantly -- as in, tens of thousands of votes -- behind Mitt Romney, Ron Paul, Jon Huntsman, Rick Santorum, and Newt Gingrich, with a whopping .71 percent of the vote. At least he managed to do slightly better than Michele Bachmann, who'd already dropped out of the race. Victory!

Perry had many fascinating things to say to the people of New Hampshire. Like how Texas is the best state, no really, it is the very best, there is no state better than Texas, have you heard the good word about Texas? Strangely, that pitch didn't go over so well with the not-Texas state of New Hampshire.

He touted Texas’ attractive business climate, saying, “Every MacBook Pro is made in Austin, Texas.” And he went on about Texas cultural offerings, from the Kimbell Art Museum and the Dallas Zoo to the Nasher Sculpture Center and the Perot Museum of Nature and Science.

The tourist pitch left some in the audience puzzled.

Stella Scamman, a former state legislator, found Perry vague on national issues and foreign policy, and, perhaps worse, overly boastful. “He told us a lot about Texas,” she said. It wasn’t a compliment.

Also, he is pretty annoyed that President Obama did not even once thank Gov. Perry, in his State of the Union address last month, for being so awesome.

“I kept listening for him to say, ‘And I want to say thank you, Governor Perry and the people of Texas, for creating all of these jobs and making this economic recovery possible.’ I may have missed that,” Perry said, chuckling.

Then there was the odd history lesson he gave on Abraham Lincoln's love of states' rights:

“Abraham Lincoln read the Constitution, and he also read the Bill of Rights, and he got down to the Tenth Amendment, and he liked it. That Tenth Amendment that talks about these states, these laboratories of democracy. … The Tenth Amendment that the federal government is limited, its powers are limited by the Constitution.”

An excellent point, because of course Abraham Lincoln is best remembered for going to war with the South over its states' rights to secede from the union because of how much he believed in the limited role of government. Oops is a hell of a habit to kick.

Perry also shared his thoughts on how people love not having health insurance, at least in Texas, which is the best state, in case you hadn't heard.

[contextly_sidebar id="heSwv5zz7yB2tDrQkzJR1AAiyPTDH3jc"]

And just in case you were not in New Hampshire at any of Perry's highly successful appearances, RickPAC has released a bizarre hand-held ad to demonstrate the highlights of his tour.

"We’re in beautiful New Hampshire," Perry says in his I Am A Serious Candidate voice. "The Granite State. Granite’s tough. It’s durable. Just like the people who live in this fiercely independent state." And then it gets weird. Really weird.

It’s snowin’, it’s cold, but I’m fired up.

Live free or die. Amen.

We will be there standing up for freedom no matter where it is -- economically, militarily. And if we have a Congress and a president that respect that, then the greatest years in America are in front of us. Are you ready to send that message across this country? That New Hampshire is about livin’ free or dyin'? Are you ready for that?

The audience politely applauds, although it's hard to get the sense that yes, the tough and durable New Hampshirites are ready to die if they can't do the livin' free thing, so much as they're ready for Rick Perry to hush now and go away already, please and thank you. Lucky for them, he heads to Iowa this week, a state that also showed pretty much no interest in Perry whatsoever in 2012. He's going to have a harder time convincing Iowans to join his for-freedom suicide pact, as the state's motto is merely "Our liberties we prize and our rights we will maintain" with no mention of death, amen.

[ Dallas News / Politico ]