Rick Perry's Campaign Won't Be About 'Lofty Rhetoric,' Not That We Were Worried

Rick Perry is finally ready for the Big Announcement: He's a completely different guy from the doofy stumblebum who in 2012 couldn't remember which three big government agencies he'd eliminate, and now he's got his smart-boy glasses on, so he is totally ready to be President of the Republic of Texamerica.

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Just look at his impressive new logo, which looks a little like a postmark, maybe:

We'll just call it the PeeStar. Also, too, he has the mandatory introductory video, which informs us that he hasn't merely been the governor of Texas; he's also been in the Air Force, which means that he is way more ready to bomb ISIS to death than that amateur Scott Walker, whose only foreign policy experience is beating up on unions. 

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In the video, Perry explains that he grew up in a house with no running water, so he can connect with people who don't wash their hands. Also, in a wise bit of expectation-lowering, he promises "2016 will not be an election about lofty rhetoric. It's gonna be about a record of leadership." Thanks goodness; we were afraid he was going to get all articulate on us and stop saying "nukular." (Nope, he still says that.) In fact, the video seems almost obsessed with reminding us that Rick Perry No Talk So Smart:

It's gonna be a "show me, don't tell me" election, where voters will look past what you say, to what you've done. 

Message: Ignore my message, because there's really no telling what crazy shit's gonna come outta my mouth this time.

Perry's playing up his experience as a real genuine American Hero who has really been in the military, albeit not during a war, darn his timing. His live announcement speech was held in a hanger at the Addison airport, just outside Dallas, in front of a big C-130 cargo plane just like he flew in the 1970s. He was also joined onstage by a whole bunch of actual fightin'-war veterans, including Marcus Luttrell, a former Navy SEAL whose experiences in Afghanistan the movie "Lone Survivor" was loosely adapted from, as well as Taya Kyle, the widow of "American Sniper" Chris Kyle, so if you don't vote for Rick Perry, you're a Hollywood elitist who hates America.

Perry came onstage to a mind-blowing country-rap song by Colt Ford that combined Texas's love for voter suppression and guns, with stirring lyrics about "my right to vote / my right to tote / the weapon of my choice / don't silence my voice," all to the sampled stomp-stomp-clap of Queen's "We Will Rock You."

Then Perry said a whole bunch of stuff about growing up so po' that his mama warshed him in a warshtub, and also Texas Texas, America America. There was the mandatory nod to our God-given rights, which "come from God, not government," and an invocation of the sacrifices of D-Day, and a reminder that those heroes buried at Normandy "look upon us with silent judgment," and we have to ask if we're worthy of their sacrifices, and obviously, under That Man In the White House, we are not. And then a whole lotta tough talk about the Middle East and ISIS, and how Obama lost Vietnam all over again by withdrawing troops from Iraq (in accordance with an agreement signed by George W. Bush). But there's hope -- we survived a civil war, two world wars, and "even Jimmy Carter," so we can do American Exceptionalism again all over the world, if you just elect Rick Perry, who is strong like bull.

Perry also promised to save the millennials from the massive debt that they have been "drownding" under (although it's been reduced by Barack Obama), probably through a tax cut. He'll also save "small businesses" from Dodd-Frank, which regulates Wall Street, but never mind that. And on Rick Perry's first day in office, he'll freeze all new regulations and roll back every job-killing regulation Obama passed. Also too he'll build the Keystone pipeline, with an executive order (which will cease to be ILLEGAL the minute Obama's out of office) and send natural gas to Europe to make Vladimir Putin be nice. Then, dear god, he promised to do for American business what he did for Texas business, which we guess means a whole lot more chemical factories exploding and no fire codes. 

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Also blah blah border security, and national security, so Perry's very first act of his presidency -- at least the third first thing he'll do -- will be to rescind any nuclear deal with Iran.

Perry also steps into the history books -- or at least the trivia books -- by becoming the first person ever to run for president while under indictment, which he's certain won't be a problem because the charges are a bogus political witch hunt by one of those notoriously liberal Texas grand juries.

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How unconcerned are Perry supporters about the indictment? The Dallas Observer   observes that RickPac, a political action committee, is selling T-shirts with his mugshot on them. 

So good luck, Rick Perry, and we'll see you in the White House or in jail!

[ NYT / Dallas Observer ]