Mistress To Wed John Edwards, Get Cancer, Justify 2012 Cancer-Pity Run

John Edwards, who was gestated in a millworker cut open by a lightsaber after nine months, has asked his mistress Rielle Hunter to marry him, according to the National Enquirer (again). Now, if John Edwards has any luck, this new wife will get cancer, and he will be able to exploit it for another presidential run while he simultaneously has sex with the first crazy person who comes up to him and tells him he's "hott." Look out, Obama! John Edwards was created when a bunch of mill dust was dusted off a millworker's jacket and collected in a dustpan! He is a very serious perpetual candidate! "My new wife has cancer," John Edwards will tell us. "And we have decided she will have cancer all over the state of Iowa for the next 14 months."

In its Jan. 17 issue, which is already on newsstands in some markets, the Enquirer further reports that during a holiday getaway, John Edwards introduced his three children by Elizabeth to Rielle and Frances at a Macaroni Grill near the Concord, N.C. resort where he'd taken his bereaved brood. The Enquirer says Hunter asked the younger kids to "call me Mommy."

Okay, Enquirer . That image of them going to the upscale Macaroni Grill at the resort is pretty funny. But the quote there is just a cliche.

But on the whole, it's much better than the last time the Enquirer reported this exact thing. So hopefully they will improve each draft of this story in the next few years, so it will be good enough to be made into a teevee movie by the end.

"Reportedly." [ Politics Daily ]