RNC Night Three: The Enstupiding

Watching so you don't have to is why you pay Rebecca to pay the writers.

The third night of the Republican National Convention was every bit as batshit as the others, with the usual string of lies and exaggerations, paeans to the brilliance of everyday very normal nice person Donald Trump, and calm explanations of how Joe For Fuckssake Biden is actually Charles Manson in a Che T-shirt, ready to burn down your suburb and murder Jesus. Let's take a quick tour of the crazy!

That Time A Nun And A F'Ball Coach Excommunicated Joe Biden

There was a whole lot of abortion talk last night, with several speakers praising Donald Trump as being, like Gamera, the friend of little children everywhere, only for the ones who aren't borned yet. Sister Deirdre Byrne, of the Little Workers of the Sacred Hearts of Jesus and Mary ( not to be confused with the Little Sisters of No Socialist Birth Control , who took Obamacare to the Supreme Court), said that Joe Biden and Kamala Harris constitute "the most anti-life presidential ticket ever" — just like every other Democratic ticket does, and spoke an untruth, saying Biden and Harris support "the horrors of late term abortion and infanticide." We are sure you will be surprised to learn that neither has actually called for infanticide, no matter how much wingnuts say otherwise . Biden, for his part, has indeed called for the Supreme Court's findings in Roe v. Wade and Planned Parenthood v. Casey to be codified into law, but both those cases only allow abortions up to fetal viability, and don't allow women to just pop into a clinic in the ninth month of pregnancy and announce they want an abortion.

Former college football coach Lou Holtz went farther than Sister Dierdre, and announced that despite Biden's claims of being a Catholic, Holtz knows better, and that — again like every Democratic ticket every four years — "The Biden-Harris ticket is the most radically pro-abortion campaign in history. [...] They and other politicians are Catholic in name only and abandon innocent lives." Now that's some good ol' locker room theology!

Just to make clear that Biden and Harris are utterly without a moral compass, Sen. Marsha Blackburn (R-Tennessee) chimed in to say that evil Democrats want to fight the pandemic by shutting down America's churches but want to "keep the liquor stores and abortion clinics open." Why, it's almost as if places were being shut down on the basis of how many people are likely to be in them at any given time. Strangely, Blackburn didn't give Dems any credit at all for closing bars, where people might get drunk, infect each other, and then also have abortions.

Kellyanne Conway, Kayleigh McEnany Admire Donald Trump's Empathy

Kayleigh McEnany told of the time in 2018, before she became White House spokesliar, when she had a preventive double mastectomy and Donald Trump called her on the phone. "It was President Trump, calling to check on me. I was blown away. Here was the leader of the free world, caring about my circumstance." That personal attention, she explained, proves how much Donald Trump cares about people with preexisting medical conditions.

Which ought to be a great comfort to other Fox News personalities who need critical surgery. Everyone else will be shit out of luck if Trump gets his wish and Obamacare is overturned.

Conway said Trump was always being just the nicest man you could imagine, if you have a really good imagination:

I have seen firsthand many times the president comforting and encouraging a child who has lost a parent, a parent who has lost a child, a worker who lost his job, an adolescent who lost her way to drugs. "Don't lose hope," he has told them, assuring them that they are not alone and that they matter.

Trump was especially empathetic to this one really hot girl you haven't met, she lives in Canada and can't come to the phone because of the beaver riots.

Mr. Empathy Will Crush Those Cop Haters, CRUSH THEM

Michael McHale, president of the National Association of Police Organizations, warned that if Biden and Harris are elected, there will be complete anarchy in American cities, just like there is under Donald Trump, because Biden and Harris are radical cop-haters whose motto is "It is a pleasure to burn." McHale explained,

The violence and bloodshed we are seeing in these and other cities isn't happening by chance. It's the direct result of refusing to allow law enforcement to protect our communities.

Did McHale mention why people are angry about police? He just did: Because they're criminals.

The possibility that the kind of policing, or the use of police to do shit social workers or addiction specialists could do better, is just liberal nonsense, you see, and if only police can be brutal enough, there will never be any more complaints about police brutality because no one would dare.

This One Hot MAGA Chud Named Madison Has To Find A New Name

Congressional candidate Madison Cawthorn, aged 25, offered a whole lot of nonsense about how important it is for Americans to come together and have a reasoned conversation about working together, as long as liberals agree to stop burning down the cities and supporting terrorist mobs everywhere. He's very upset by "cancel culture," which we suppose is a smart move for him since people keep pointing out it's fucking weird for a wannabe US congressperson to have posted an Instagram photo of his fun 2017 vacation trip to Hitler's vacation home.

 See on Instagram 

Look, maybe that's a creepy thing to have on your bucket list, and maybe it's weird to call Hitler "the Führer," but he did call the guy "evil," too, while thinking fondly about the great times Hitler had with his pals.

Cawthorn, who uses a wheelchair after being paralyzed in a 2014 car accident, also got laughed at for being very bad at history. He said, accurately enough, that the FoundingFatherlandFathers were in their twenties and thirties when they made history, so it's fine that he's only 25. Then he said his "personal favorite" president, James Madison, was only 25 when he signed the Declaration of Independence, prompting a whole lot of people who know history to point out that Madison never signed that document. That seems really mean of them, with their facts. Cawthorn hasn't commented on the gaffe since last night, which we can only assume is because he's so busy with the paperwork to change his name to Button Gwinnett Cawthorn.

That's all, get out of here, more fuckery coming tonight!

[ CNN / LAT / WaPo / ABC News ]

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