RNC Night Two: Let's Bitch About How Obama Broke The Economy, Together! A Livebloog

Donald Trump is officially the Republican nominee for president, it's true, I just saw it on the teevee! You guys, this is so exciting! Oh no, liveblog over, I just died!

Last night -- and don't know about you, but I'm still not over it -- we watched as mothers gnashed and wailed and blamed Barack O'Clinton for every premature death in this land or others. Tonight will be much easier; we will just witness them blaming Hillary Rodham Obama for every time their meth-head son got fired from his McJob.

Since some of us have had six hours off since 5: 30 a.m. yesterday, we don't guarantee we won't hallucinate at ya. It's probably preferable, don't you think?

We shall start the livebloog with this fun tweet:

And this perfect response from Intern Dominic:

 Now you see why we keep him around?

Okay, let's rock this nonsense! (I am already asleep.)

8: 03 p.m.: Shitshow has not started, I believe because Alaskan Angerbear -- and HOW could that NOT be Sarah Palin? -- has requested that his delegation be repolled. Aw, presumed #nevertrumper, Never Give Up, Never Surrender!

We will see if the Hilarious Benghazi Brothers come back tonight to make shit go even further over schedule!

Reince Priebus is trying to sexplain Alaska's rules for bound delegates, which say delegates must vote for whatever candidate's "still running." But of course nobody ever actually dropped out of this campaign -- they just "suspended." So they should get to have some delegates, I have determined, the end. YAY LIVEBLOG OVER GOOD NIGHT!

8: 10 p.m.: Mitch McConnell is here to nominate Mike Pence for vice president or blah blah blah rules. I thought we were getting junior Trumps, and now we are watching this bullshit I WOULD LIKE TO DIE PLEASE.

8: 13 p.m.: The scuttlebutt is that Donald Trump will call into the convention tonight from Trump Tower like he called into Fox News during last night's Patricia Smith insane speech. This is hilarious, because he claimed this week that "they wanted" him to speak every night, but he demurred. (He did not say "demurred.") What a fucking dickbag.

8: 26 p.m.: Co-chair Sharon Day is here to bring back Benghazi Night and explain again that "Crooked Hillary" lies to moms of dead servicemembers. I thought we were getting economy lies tonight. Fuck this lady.

8: 27 p.m.: Holy shit, Sharon Day would like to remind Hillary Clinton that she reacted viciously to "women who were sexually assaulted at the hands of her husband." Have we ever had a convention speaker get up and accuse a president of rape? These people are over the fucking bend.

8: 38 p.m.: Asa Hutchinson, governor of Arkansas, ain't much of a speaker. Let's hope every speaker tonight is as slow and boring and we can just drift off peacefully, wouldn't that be nice? Oh, here's the Arkansas AG, Leslie Rutledge, to be super cunty about how Hillary Clainton ain't gaot naow Arkaaansan akcent. Yeah, because she's from Illinois, you low-rent Ann Coulter.

All other speakers, looks like Leslie Rutledge will be the Hate to beat. Good luck gentlemen and junior Trumps!

8: 44 p.m.: Now it is time to talk about Hillary's emails, and Hillary's Benghazi, and Hillary's murders, and Hillary's rapey husband. My, we sure are learning a lot about the economy tonight!

8: 48 p.m.: YOU GUYS ANDY WIST EXISTS! HE IS NOT SARAH PALIN! Even though he has literally zero Internet presence, and didn't bother to shave for his big TV debut, he is a guy who is here and "business" and "working men." Do you think Donald Trump paid him 14 cents on the dollar for whatever he owed him? Or seven? Gonna go with "held him down and farted on his big stupid head."

8: 53 p.m.: Wisconsin Sen. Ron Johnson is on about "what difference does it make" and "radical Islamic terrorists." I wonder -- HMMMM emoticon! -- if the CNN fact check will be as busy tomorrow as it was today? It's a fun fact check! "False. False. True but misleading. False." You get the idea.

9: 02 p.m.: Meet Natalie Gulbis, golfer and the fourth Mrs. Trump!

9: 05 p.m.: SURPRISE IT IS DONALD TRUMP JUST LIKE WE ALL KNEW!

 
 Donald Trump's "surprise!" fingers. They are quite wee.

It must be true -- Donald Trump must have one of the "world's great memories" if he can promise not to forget that time he got nominated for president. Most people wouldn't be able to remember that, because most people are not ... I can't anymore. I can't even come up with a joke. They broke me on Day Two.

9: 15 p.m.: Mitch McConnell does not think Democrats understand what public service is supposed to be, because they refused to pass funding to fight the Zika virus after Republicans loaded it up to allow Confederate flags on federal property. If anyone knows what public service is supposed to be, it is the guy who promised to block anything Barack Obama did on his first day in office. Fuck the country, Mitch has public service on his mind!

9: 17 p.m.: Sen. Dan Sullivan of Alaska is talking about the economy, can you EVEN BELIEVE IT? He wants to put coalminers back to work, no thanks to Obama and Hillary, who ruined coalmining by ... making energy so cheap it couldn't compete. DAMN YOU HILLARY AND OBAMA.

9: 20 p.m.: Here is Paul Ryan to fake some bipartisanship.

Guys, real talk: Can the Dems keep the Trump-hating to maybe half the DNC's agenda? Because I for one am not finding the constant hate and spite here at the RNC to be conducive to making people not recoil. 

Huh, Paul Ryan is against "phony strawman arguments and shady powerplays"? That sounds ... liey! Right, because it is! 

9: 35 p.m.: What are you guys going to do when tonight's migraine of a lineup is over? I am going to shoot heroin into my vag.

9: 37 p.m.: Chris Christie is up you guys, it is SHOWTIME! How many of Donald Trump's balls can fit in his mouth at the same time? Oh, it is more about how Hillary Clinton is "guilty" of ruining Libya, and HOLY SHIT HILLARY CLINTON KIDNAPPED THE NIGERIAN SCHOOLGIRLS!

Hillary Clinton is GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY! Man, Chris Christie is good at prosecuting and good at Republicaning. But maybe dude with Trump's balls in his mouth shouldn't call someone else a bad judge of character : (

9: 44 p.m.: Chris Christie is absolutely correct -- Hillary Clinton's "reset" button was stupid. Why was everyone in the Obama administration so bad at gifts? :(

The rest of this is by far the best speech we've seen in this shitshow so far. He actually seems to know stuff about things. And for all I know, he isn't even telling lies so much as offering up things which could have different interpretations. That's ... not how the rest of this has gone!

I'm ready to burn the witch, how about you?

Christie's over his time limit, but nobody's gonna complain. This is an incredibly effectivepersecutionprosecution that didn't even call Hillary Clinton a cunt or a rape enabler! Instead, he is a talented politician and he's winding the audience UP. Too bad he put Ivanka's husband's daddy in jail, or he'd be the veep nominee right now. (Oh, and if Bridgegate wasn't about to drop on his head.)

9: 53 p.m.: Tiffany Trump is up -- Donald's daughter with Marla Maples, whom he cheated on Ivana with,and on whom he cheated with Melania. (Sorry, I was thinking of the multiple wives of Newt Gingrich!) At first I was annoyed with her mugging for the cameras, but it's okay, she's fine. She is better at talking than her stepmother, and probably will make some millionaire a very nice third wife.

10: 05 p.m.: YAY it is Donald Trump Junior! He is here to tell us important things like "For the first time, parents no longer believe our kids will be as well off as we were." Probably because all the parents did bankruptcies. :(

Sorry, nodded off there during Junior's very well-delivered and well-rehearsed boring thing. He is still talking about all his dad's construction buddies, but five bucks says he does not talk about his dad not paying those guys. I mean, if I am wrong that would be some brass ones, huh? I think his balls are probably quite smooth and small.

10: 13 Major Major Major Major here. Oh, so you have contacts with our American heroes, huh, the Young Ferret? Who would you rather call, at 3 a.m., a seasoned executive, or a real estate grifter?

10: 18 Here, weaselkin, here's a uniform for the America WE know.

10: 19 "A president who won't use ... holy crap, this is hard to keep up with. Every single dumbass teabagger meme is a Trump Jr. talking point. Obama apologizes and bows to foreign potentates because Wall Street sells him coke for sex, or something.

10: 23 Whew, now it is just a dumb West Virginia lady talking dumb stuff about the coal industry, which affects about four states and is completely unaffected by gubmint policy. Sure, whatev, Killary promised to crash Mr. Peabody's coal train into the fabric of West Virginia hospitals and orphanages.

10: 26 OK, we have West Virginia relatives, so we are not going to snark too hard on how many West Virginia houses a Hillary speaking fee would buy. But it's not the wealth of Solomon.

10: 28 Oh, goddammit, we just realized we are in the post-Trump part of the evening, and these boring-ass motherfuckers can drone on and on as long as they like because absolutely nobody cares at this point. Lady, shet de fuck up; Ben Carson has narcolepsy and NEEDS TO TALK SOON.

YOU PEOPLE THOUGHT BANNING TENNIS BALLS WAS SILLY, HUH? WELL TAKE THIS 

10: 33 DOCTOR BEN CARSON! Who is not politically correct. Time for us to stand up and shout out, unless we are Black Lives Matter, which in case, uh, shut up and sit down.

10: 35 The media don't know what they're talking about, but they have an agenda! OK.

10: 37 Hillary would appoint Supreme Court Justices, like a common president of the United States! This is not what America is all about.

10: 38 Saul Alinsky! Chug!

Hillary's thesis mentor:

Could it be?

10: 41 Thomas Jefferson said the government would metastasize, because that was totally a word in 1790-something. Bye, Dr. Ben Carson, enjoy slaying the Satanic legions in your brain!

10: 44 Uhhh, who are you former soap-opera lady? Avocado grower, eh? OK, that makes you more qualified than most Trump convention speakers. Sure, whatever, lady, move it along, the ONLY MUSLIM IN AMERICA supporting Trump is following you, and he would probably like to be on before 11 so that C-SPAN doesn't cut his feed.

Party at Hill-dog's house, sponsored by Lucifer™

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10: 50 Last three speakers are black guy, woman bidnesslady, Muslim. Just sayin'.

10: 54 Ruh roh, The Left is anti-avocado. This soap opera actress is not havin' it, you guys, and neither is Donald J. Trump, who couldn't pick this lady out of a lineup.

10: 55 American Muslims for Trump can smell the success in the air. Dude, that's not success, that's hate.

10: 56 Trump is making RNC delegates Muslim pray, because he fucking hates their guts. you can FEEL the suppressed boos. Dude says Muhammed, PBUH, and errbody falls stone silent. Cheers when he stops talking.

10: 58 Hey, we're going out on schedule, but no benediction?! SATAN RULES FOREVER, HAIL SATAN, HILLARY IS YOUR NEW BLOOD EMPEROR!

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