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Rod Blagojevich Not So Proud He Won't Offer Last News Event Before Prison
Corrupt former Illinois governor and human black hole of shame Rod Blagojevich is going away to federal prison tomorrow for fourteen years, for trying to sell Barack Obama's old Senate seat. But why are we even telling you this, since every person in America has been carefully counting down the number of days to Blago's incarceration with panicked dread? Rod knows how much you care, so he has taken time out of his last day of freedom to ruin one final evening news cycle with a farewell speech including some valuable fucking thoughts such as, "I still believe that this is America" and "It's hard for me to say that I have to go to prison, " although these words seemed to come out of his mouth fairly easily. What other words do you have for us to remember you by, Rod?
Please don't neglect your pap smears just because Rod Blagojevich is going to prison, ladies: "We know that early detection of breast cancer and pap smears will save lives."
Rod Blagojevich also pledges to start following the law finally: "This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But it is the law and we follow the law, and I will begin to do that tomorrow."