Ron DeSantis Grrr Argh Gonna Lock Her Up Mickey Mouse Now!

So angry.

Oh boy, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis is one mad little squirt. He just doesn't know how to respond to the fact that Mickey Mouse flipped him the bird and outsmarted his fascist moves to punish Disney for mildly criticizing his hideously fascist anti-LGBTQ+ "Don't Say Gay" laws. And now Goofy is chasing DeSantis around doing jerkoff motions and Donald Duck isn't wearing any underpants, because he never is.

If you are not aware, the briefest summary we can muster: DeSantis retaliated against Disney's constitutionally protected free speech by ordering his paste-eating minions in the Florida Legislature to repeal the special Reedy Creek Improvement District, the special tax arrangement that allowed Disney basically to function as a self-governing city. It's not even clear that what the Legislature did there was legal (we'd go with "unconstitutional on its face"), and it has the potential to fuck Florida residents over by handing them Disney's very large tax bill.

But whatever, Ron DeSantis and his jackbooted Ugg boots were prissing around and he felt like a real big guy.

In response, Disney's lawyers pulled a fast one on him, the Reedy Creek board voted to give all its power back to Disney, pretty much permanently, literally the day before DeSantis's new handpicked goon board was set to take power, and the way they did it, every lawyer in America who isn't working for DeSantis is still laughing. (Read Wonkette's entire explanation if you haven't yet.)

Know what makes DeSantis a mad little squirt? When you fail to respect his authori-tah! When Ron DeSantis has his stylish fashion boots on Mickey Mouse's neck, but then Minnie Mouse comes up and LOLs while she calmly removes the boot and kicks DeSantis's dumb little dick all the way out into the Atlantic Ocean while Ariel the Little Mermaid sits on the beach laughing at the curious ways of the land people? That makes him ANGRY!

And that calls for an investigatin'! So DeSantis fired off a pissy baby letter to Melinda Miguel, Florida's inspector general, DEMANDING she investigate all the stuff and the things.

In the letter, DeSantis explains that HE SIGNED the bill to abolish the Reedy Creek District and rename it the Central Florida Tourism Oversight District (CFTOD) and HE APPOINTED five new paste-eating fascist idiots to its board and the OLD BOARD did COLLUSION TREASON DIRTY DOSSIER RUSSIA HOAX with Disney in order to USURP HIM. This went against WILL OF THE (WHITE SUPREMACIST FASCIST) VOTERS (WHO SUPPORT RON DESANTIS) and now DeSantis is SITTING HERE WITH HIS DICK IN HIS HAND.

Also something something "ethical violations" and "conflicts of interest" and "self-dealing." THEREFORE FORTHWITH FORSOOTH please do an INVESTIGATIN'. Both civil and criminal!

We may have paraphrased things a bit, but we feel confident that we have captured the general angrily-pacing-back-and-forth-and-pointing-at-clouds nature of it.

The very smart DeSantis administration that definitely did not just get hilariously outplayed by Disney says what Disney did is just totally invalid, OK?

DeSantis spokesman Jeremy Redfern said the agreements “are likely invalid, and all legislative options are back on the table,” although he did not specify what that may entail.

Disney says naaaaaah , actually DeSantis is invalid, but please feel free to come to the Happiest Place On Earth and complain about it, which is Disney-ese for "bite the Mouse's hole." (Also possible paraphrase.)

Disney has stood by the actions of the Reedy Creek board, saying in a statement last week that “all agreements signed between Disney and the District were appropriate, and were discussed and approved in open, noticed public forums in compliance with Florida’s Government in the Sunshine law.”

And Disney CEO Bob Iger is responding as well, calling DeSantis's tantrums not only "anti-business" but also "anti-Florida." He made these comments at the annual Disney shareholders meeting:

Iger said Monday that the company will invest $17 billion and create 13,000 jobs at Walt Disney World over the next 10 years. He also took a jab at the governor’s criticism.

“A year ago we took a position on legislation — and, while we may not have handled it well — the governor got very angry with the position we took,’’ he said during the virtual meeting. “...A company has a right to freedom of speech just like an individual does...Our point is, that any action that thwarts those efforts simply to retaliate against a position the company took sounds not only anti-business, but anti-Florida.”

We are not 100 percent sure, but we feel like he's saying, "Hey, Ron DeSantis what the fuck have you done for Florida lately? Yeah, that's what I thought." He said it very mildly and politely, of course.

 The Miami Herald's explanation of all the laws that might come into play now is good, should you want to nerd out. What we keep seeing lawyers say, though, is that what the Reedy Creek board did here — the old, fun board, not the new loser board everybody hates and that smells of manure and regret — was very legal and very cool, and also very out in the open and not a secret. The fact DeSantis and his jerkoffs didn't notice is on them.

Or as Disney said:  

“All agreements signed between Disney and the district were appropriate and were discussed and approved in open, noticed public forums in compliance with Florida’s Government in the Sunshine law,” Disney said in a statement after the development agreement was first reported.

Again, bite the Mouse's hole.

Speaking of, the Orlando Sentinel had a hilarious editorial this weekend saying much the same thing to DeSantis. Read the whole thing, but this conclusion is pretty delightful:

This was a foolish, petty and ultimately selfish political vendetta that could have ended up far worse. If Disney executives had responded to DeSantis in the same vengeful vein — by pulling back even a small fraction of the resources the company has invested in Florida — the economic wreckage could have been massive. Instead, company executives and district officials stayed quiet, bided their time and executed a plan that is both elegant and witty.

From now on, Gov. DeSantis, save your tantrums for your taxpayer-funded mansion and endless trips to court donors and rally support in other states.

Whenever you happen to be in Florida, focus on your actual job: Running a massive state government where people are dying every day of drug overdoses and mass shootings that you barely acknowledge. Where school boards across the state are grimly awaiting the final price tag of the economically reckless voucher bill you just signed. Where insurance rates are skyrocketing and damage claims from back-to-back hurricanes are being summarily denied. Where, every day, we’re discovering more cracks your machinations have inflicted on the fundamental integrity of Florida’s own government.

Stop letting your inner Donald control your behavior. (In this case, we mean Donald Duck.) All you’ve managed to do so far is create a situation where Disney has more control, and potentially more secrecy, than it ever did. No matter how you try to play this, it seems apparent that you were outplayed.

So take your advice from the Queen (and in this case, we mean Queen Elsa). Let. It. Go.

Yeah, that dude doesn't know how to quit when he's behind, and Mickey Mouse is gonna have to beat the crap out of him again and again and again.

Maybe it's a fetish thing, we dunno.

[ Miami Herald / Forbes / Orlando Sentinel ]

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