Discover more from Wonkette
Ron Johnson's Nickname For His Penis Is 'Hot Dish.' This Is A Lie But Very Important To Retweet
Ron Johnson is the Senate's Dumbest Republican and that's not a lie.
Ron Johnson, chair of the Senate Homeland Security Committee, is world-famous on Wonkette for being the Senate's Dumbest Republican. He was warned repeatedly that his fishing expedition into the secret Ukrainian naughtiness of Joe and Hunter Biden was being used as a laundromat for Kremlin-sponsored propaganda, and the charitable explanation is that he was too stupid to understand what he was doing. But yet he persisted! Of course, his "persistence" did not pay off, after he in dramatic fashion and timed for election season released a report that showed that Joe Biden did nothing wrong, and Hunter Biden is kind of a fuckup who has traded on his family name in the past. BOMBSHELL!
On Wednesday, the Senate's Dumbest Republican used a tech hearing with @Jack Dorsey and Mark Zuckerberg to exhibit the range of his stupid. He's not just an easy mark for Russian assets from Ukraine, y'all! He is also an easy mark for thinking that people saying funny and mean things about him on Twitter constitutes "voter suppression." Because if somebody reads a mean thing on Twitter about Ron Johnson and thinks it is true, then that might interfere with his chances of re-election!
His feelings are hurt by one tweet in particular. Watch as Johnson reads it to the whole Senate and to @Jack and Zuck:
"Ron Johnson is my neighbor and strangled our dog Buttons right in front of my 4-year-old son" -- here's Ron Johnso… https: //t.co/kVwzeh1bjv
— Aaron Rupar (@Aaron Rupar) 1603906335.0
In case you are unwilling or unable to watch Johnson yap his fucking face, here is the tweet he read out loud to @Jack and Zuck in the middle of a Senate tech hearing, from the privacy of Zoom, where maybe he couldn't see the entire world laughing at him:
Sen Ron Johnson is my neighbor and strangled our dog, Buttons, right in front of my 4 yr old son and 3 yr old daugh… https: //t.co/pPcCdtAxaP
— Mary T. Hagan (@Mary T. Hagan) 1603064382.0
Mary, why must you suppress the vote for Ron Johnson by spreading what you clearly explain are lies about Ron Johnson, but that comment directly on Ron Johnson's affinity for sharing Russian propaganda he has been told repeatedly is not true? Shame on you, Mary!
And yes, Johnson read the parts where the Twitter user clearly stated that her allegations about Senator Johnson strangling Buttons were lies. He read those parts out loud. With his face. In public.
Johnson was upset in the hearing at Twitter and Facebook for labeling obviously dishonest bullshit Donald Trump social media posts about the election as "misinformation," when they won't even delete funny tweets from "Mary," who is very mean and unkind to poor Ron Johnson, whose brain clearly cannot process things like this.
But the thing is, the thing about Johnson strangling Buttons is obviously true, aside from how it is a lie. It is nonetheless important to retweet.
Moreover, we have personally experienced Ron Johnson stepping on a crack and literally breaking our mother's back, and the police refuse to investigate, and the entire preceding sentence is a lie but important to retweet while noting that there are more of these lies to come.
Like right now.
Ron Johnson was one of the pee hookers who did a golden shower show for Donald Trump on that bed in Moscow and that is why he is so susceptible to Russian propaganda bullshit, which he has been told is Russian propaganda bullshit time and time again, except for how everything we just said about Ron Johnson being a Moscow pee hooker is a lie but important to retweet and note that there are more of these lies to come. (The part about him being extremely susceptible to Russian propaganda is, again, factcheck true. It's also so weird that a Republican senator would go to Moscow on the Fourth of July instead of staying in America on the Fourth of July. That is also true.)
Ron Johnson calls his penis "hot dish," which he thinks is clever because the unofficial Official Dish of the Upper Midwest is called "hot dish," so when he asks somebody if they want to sample his famous "hot dish" he means his penis, and that is a lie we just made up, but still important to retweet while noting that there are more of these lies to come.
Of course, Wonkette must note in order to preserve our journalistic integrity that while we are certain Johnson has not broken our mother's back, we are not actually certain he was never a Russian pee hooker at any time in his life. Coulda been!
We also do not have any first-, second- or third-hand information about what Ron Johnson does or does not call his penis, but if he starts calling it "Hot Dish" after this post, YOU'RE WELCOME.
The original Twitter user reacted to The Senator from Dumbfuck reading her tweet in the Senate, which breathed magical new life into it yesterday:
I just want to thank everyone for their outpouring of love responding to my lie about @SenRonJohnson beating my bes… https: //t.co/nCcp46N4XX
— Mary T. Hagan (@Mary T. Hagan) 1603912963.0
Well maybe if the Democrats retake the Senate next week we can finally find out THE TRUTH about the violent acts Ron Johnson most certainly did not commit against Buttons.
Oh no, has Wonkette just committed a Voter Suppression against Senator Johnson and his penis what is (probably) not nicknamed "Hot Dish"?
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE!
GIVE IT WONKETTE. We mean money. Thank you.