Ross Douthat Will F*ck You All Night Long, With His Throbbing Neckbeard
In the '60 Minutes' studios maybe even!
In honor of Bari Weiss plugging yet another gaping journalism hole with exactly what was missing, by hiring Ross Douthat as a new 60 Minutes correspondent; in honor of 60 Minutes executive producer Nick Bilton shitting on his own credibility as well as the eternal credibility of 60 Minutes, for all of time, by typing that Douthat “is one of the preeminent public intellectuals in America today, a thinker of uncommon rigor and a journalist of deep empathy," adding that his interviews are “expansive and probing and news making”; and in honor of Douthat’s own prediction on October 10, 2020, that “There Will Be No Trump Coup,” which just proves what an uncommonly rigorous and probing, publicly intellectual neckbeard Ross has always been, Wonkette chooses to rerun this column from March 31, 2017, written by yours truly. Read it and reflect on what the New York Times has lost, and what Bari Weiss, 60 Minutes and American journalism have gained.
Gross weird New York Times social conservative Catholic neckbeard writer person Ross Douthat has thoughts, and they are about sex, and conservatives, and how conservatives can fuck WAY MORE than liberals, due to how they are all jizz-sploding libido machines who fuck real good:
Well, we must say our own gay libido just dropped like a hot rock.
One time Ross Douthat wrote a book called Privilege, and part of it was about this one chick who got the privilege of trying to Do Nakeds with him:
One successful foray ended on the guest bed of a high school friend’s parents, with a girl who resembled a chunkier Reese Witherspoon drunkenly masticating my neck and cheeks. It had taken some time to reach this point–“Do most Harvard guys take so long to get what they want?” she had asked, pushing her tongue into my mouth. I wasn’t sure what to say, but then I wasn’t sure this was what I wanted. My throat was dry from too much vodka, and her breasts, spilling out of pink pajamas, threatened my ability to. I was supposed to be excited, but I was bored and somewhat disgusted with myself, with her, with the whole business… and then whatever residual enthusiasm I felt for the venture dissipated, with shocking speed, as she nibbled at my ear and whispered–“You know, I’m on the pill…”
Chunky Reese Witherspoon masticated Ross on the neckbeard, but he was like “I dunno, like maybe, but I can’t get a boner right now because I can see your boobies, EW GROSS,” and she sealed the deal of NOT DOING NAKEDS TO ROSS DOUTHAT when she said she is on birth control like a Chunky Reese Witherspoon who is also a giant slut.
Douthat has shared other sexxxy thoughts in the past, about how some premarital sex is less evil than other premarital sex, like if it’s actually people who are going to get married. The other kinds of premarital sex are “casual and promiscuous” or “premature and ill-considered,” the latter kind of which Ross Douthat BARELY GOT OUT OF ALIVE when Chunky Reese Witherspoon tried to mate with him.
Also, when Ross Douthat was in college, he had posters of Marilyn Monroe and Audrey Hepburn and Russell Crowe As Gladiator on his wall, so he’s not a Clandestinely Gay Neckbeard or anything, perish the thought.
Anyway, this post has left us ashamed of our own liberal and weak sex drive, so we will finish with NSFW pictures of Ross Douthat’s neckbeard, for you to fap on.
OH SORRY FOR HOW YOU JUST CAME ALL OVER YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN, we shoulda did a trigger warning.
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Andy Rooney could talk about being aboard a B-17 over Nazi Germany. Douthat can talk about how he accidentally sat on his last Hostess Ding Dong after taking off his underwear.
Neither that headline nor that picture is a good way to wake up in the morning. Together, they might possibly constitute a war crime.