Santorum Endorses Romney In Sad, Rambling Late-Night Email

 
 Oh, man, when you get a 16-paragraph email from someone at 11 pm you know that only good things are in it, right? Generally these things are some variation of "I DON'T NEED YOU, WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME, YOU NEVER LOVED ME." But Rick Santorum is made of tougher stuff than that, in that he deleted all the random character sequences in the email that he created by weeping and mashing his face against the keyboard for much of the evening. Also, he thinks you should vote for Mitt Romney, he guesses, which is an exciting nugget of information that's buried in paragraph 13, an "Easter Egg" for die-hard Rick Santorum fans who always check out the special features on their Rick Santorum-related content. What finally convinced our man Rick that Romney wasn't a gay liberal socialist abortionist?

It was because Romney finally took more than an hour out of his busy schedule to go patronize to Santorum! Here, here's a paragraph from Rick's email that nicely captures how painfully awkward this meeting probably was.

I also shared with Governor Romney my belief that we cannot restore America as the greatest economic engine the world has ever seen until we return America to being a manufacturing superpower. He listened very carefully to my advice on this matter, and while our policy prescriptions differed, he clearly expressed his desire to create more opportunities for those that are feeling left behind in this economy.

Mitt Romney has almost certainly spent a lot of time practicing his "listening very carefully" face, forcing himself to maintain eye contact, nod intermittently, and make non-committal but positive-sounding noises at whichever rube is babbling at him about whatever. "Sure, Rick, I believe in manufacturing and America's greatness," Mitt said, all the while having erotic visions of shutting down every factory in America and scooping up the profits from the resulting short-term stock spikes for his hedge fund .

Anyway, Rick assures us that Mitt totally hates the gays and loves the fetuses now, and he says that "I strongly encouraged Governor Romney as he builds out his campaign staff and advisors that he add more conservative leaders as an integral part of his team," at which advice Mitt no doubt muttered politely. But mostly the email rambles on about how Obama is terrible and this is the most important election since 1860 (STARTING A CIVIL WAR IF YOU LOSE MUCH, RICK?), and about how Rick Santorum was so proud of duping 3 million people into voting for him and how he won tons and tons of counties and if only the Founding Fathers had been a little bit wiser we'd have a one-county, one-vote system of government and Rick Santorum would be president right now. 

Oh but wait, after Rick's signature-png, there is a special surprise teaser!

As promised, very soon we will be making another big announcement, and I will be asking you to once again join forces with me to keep up the fight, together. Stay tuned.

OMG WHAT COULD THIS ANNOUNCEMENT BE??? Will it be about the civil war he'll start, when Obama wins? Ha ha, no, obviously it will be about his dumb new PAC, sorry to disappoint. [ ricksantorum.com / The Atlantic ]