Sarah Palin Can't Wait To Quit Trump Administration

After years of twat-teasing us about maybe perhaps serving The People in some kind of public office she can then promptly abandon once more, Our Lady Of Quittin' is whipping it out and waving it in our faces again, like she is maybe serious about it this time. Sure, most of us laughed and laughed and then climaxed and then cleaned ourselves up with a hot wet towel after Donald Trump said in Julythat Sarah Palin -- being "a special person" who is "tough and smart and just a great woman" -- might well have a place somewhere in his administration. But Sarah? She took that pretty seriously, it seems, and started doin' some real hard thinkin' on that. And this, the Era of Extra Stupid (thanks, The Donald!) in which we are now living, might be the greatest opportunity for Mama since John McCain reluctantly picked her face from a Google search of "hot chick Republicans," after being told that his hetero life mate, Joe Lieberman, was not a suitable vice bro.

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So not only is Sarah Palin absolutely willing to pretend she might like to have a sort of real job again one day, but she knows exactly what that should be. Asked by CNN's Jake Tapper which department she'd like to be the boss of in a Trump administration, Palin did not even hesitate to spout a jumble of words on the subject:

I think a lot about the Department of Energy, because energy is my baby: oil and gas and minerals, those things that God has dumped on this part of the Earth for mankind's use instead of us relying on unfriendly foreign nations.

Sure, that makes a lot of sense. Who can forget when McCain said, in 2008, that Sarah Palin was qualified to be one heartbeat away from the Big Red Button because of her expertise in energy, which also made her an expert on national security?

She knows more about energy than probably anyone else in the United States of America. She represe-- is a governor of the state that 20% of America's energy supply comes from there. And you all know that energy is a critical and vital national security issue.

Only America's foremost energy expert in America would understand the complexities of "things that God has dumped on this part of the Earth" to power our snowmobiles. And once President Trump makes her the secretary of telling us to use up all those minerals and gas things, like the good Lord intended, how will she apply that half-term of experience to heading the Department of Energy to Make America's Things God Dumped Here For Us Great Again?

I'd get rid of it.

It feels necessary to pause for a moment to assure you, dear readers, that we arenotmaking that up or paraphrasing or doing satire. That's a real, genuine, word-for-word verbatim quote. Let us go on:

If I were in charge of that, it would be a short-term job, but it would be ... really great to have someone who knows energy and is pro-responsible development to be in charge.

So you see, the Department of Energy needs someone who knows energy, to get rid of the department so that it can be more betterly run, for the betterment of America, by not existing at all. And Sarah Palin is just the gal to run that department so she can shut it down and go home early.

Yup, that's our Sarah all right.

In case Trump decidesnotto appoint America's greatest expert on oil and gas and minerals to be in charge of not doing that job, he might consider putting her in charge of immigration, because as she explained to Tapper, she's got a plan for that too, a little bit. Asked whether she agreed with her future boss's recent demand that Jeb! Bush stop speaking Spanish all the time, when he's pandering to anchor babies and the like, Sarah said it's real nice how Jeb married a Mexican lady and made Mexican anchor babies with her, and how he can talk Hispanic "because we have a large and wonderful Hispanic population that, you know, is helping to build America." But:

“On the other hand, you know, I think we can send a message and say, ‘You want to be in America? A, you'd better be here legally or you're out of here. B, when you're here, let's speak American,” she continued. “I mean that's what's -- let's speak English and that's a kind of a unifying aspect of the nation is the language that is understood by all.”

Yes. For sure, if there is any one thing that unites us all, as Americans, it is our shared language of American, which all of us understand, except for some of us, like Sarah Palin. And anyway, all those other languages that are not American are so gosh darned confusing, also too:  

Palin said she studied both French and Spanish in high school, adding, “I shouldn't have taken them both, because I got them all mixed up by the time I was graduating.”

Languages and the speaking of them sure is tricky, and it's easy to get lost when you are saying words from your face and suddenly not knowing if the words you are saying are French or Spanish or who even knows? That is why, to reform immigration, we should require our immigrants learn to speak our national language of American as good as how Sarah Palin speaks it, so we can all be unified together and not get divided by speaking other Mexican French languages.

Upon further consideration, it is possible that Palin might not be the best American-speaker for the job of doing immigration things in a Trump administration. Better instead, perhaps, to let her be in charge of usin' up all of God's gifts to us and then quitting the Department of Energy after all.

[ Crooks and Liars / The Hill / Bloomberg ]