Sarah Palin Finds New Job To Quit

At least until Labor Day we guess.

Hurray for Sarah Palin, who is fun-employed no more! It was just the beginning of July when she announced, to very little fanfare, that she would be closing the books on her most recent "job," which was yammering at a camera about bullshit on the Sarah Palin Channel for somewhere between 5 and 7 minutes per week, for the edification of her "subscribers." (Yr Wonkette was a subscriber! Where's the Sarah Palin koozie we were promised?)

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But Palin, she's a go-getter, and she apparently has a nascent Monster.com account, so after a few nights of clicking on "Stuff Envelopes At Home!" and "Do nothing and get paid millions!" (too good to be true), she found a sweet gig as a guest host for some conservative upstart called the One America News Network, which IS TOO A THING, don't judge, you assholes. Cue the trumpets:

One America News Network, “OAN”, a trusted source for 24/7 national and international news, announced today that Governor Sarah Palin will be guest hosting One America News Network’s political talk show “On Point” the week of August 24th. “On Point with Guest Host Sarah Palin” will air nightly in prime time at 10 PM EST, beginning Monday, August 24th through Friday August 28th.

OOH, a guest-hosting spot lasting a whole week! And this deserves a PRESS RELEASE! So we're guessing she'll do a solid Monday, phone it in on Tuesday and then ghost around noontime Wednesday, citing "America's needs."

We're being mean, she sounds really excited. So excited she plagiarized her own Sarah PAC Facebook page:  

“I didn’t get into public service to do the safe and easy things. A ship in harbor is safe, but that’s not why the ship is built!” said Palin. “I’m excited for this opportunity to give voice to so many Americans we hear from every day, and the concerns about our future, and how best to fix the problems. Sitting back behind the desk instead of in the hot seat is enjoyable and welcomed temporary return to my roots. I’m thrilled to guest host “On Point,” she concludes.

And well dontcha know one time in Wasilla there was a boat but no harbor, and I looked around and I said, "Todd?" And he wasn't there, musta been off fishin', and I said "Bristol?" But she wasn't there either, probably off somewhere with her Abstinence Club, checkin' out the sights, so I said to myself, "Sarah, you're going to have to build your own harbor!" And well, wouldn't ya know, that's what happened, no thanks to the Lamestream Media!

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Anyway, there had been quite a buzz going around the One America News, due to how Sarah and Todd had parked the snowmobile at their offices for a long time one day, which led this one employee called "Pearson Sharp" to run home really fast to get a copy of his new book to give to Sarah, because if you want to pimp something, might as well give to the Queen Of The Snow Grifters. And if she completely forgets, she can always put it in the little "take a book, leave a book" lending library by her mailbox:

Gah, we are being mean again, Pearson Sharp is probably very nice, and he appears to be a very cute office gay, even if he is not actually The Office Gay. According to his blog, he was damn well excited to meet Gov. Quitterface. Said she was real nice and folksy and down-to-earth, and not at all like the semi-literate asshole persona she presents to America. His book is called Sovereign and if you are into sci-fi/fantasy stuff, you should give it a try, and you should buy it through THIS LINK, so yr Wonkette can buy cat food for our dogs. See? Wonkette is nice. Wonkette promotes books for guys we think are cute, even if they ARE standing next to Princess Dumbass of the Northwoods *, who looks very pretty in that picture.

Anyway, congratulations on your "job," Sarah Palin. Should be fun right up to quittin' time, which, for you of course, is "whenever."

* The world is forever indebted to Mr. Charles Pierce for bestowing that moniker upon Palin. It's really the best name anybody's ever invented for her. 

[ One America News Network / Mediaite / Pearson Sharp on Twitter / Pearson's blog ]