Scott Brown Will Sue You So Hard, Geek Pizza, And Other News You Can Maybe Use

Do you want some news? We have some news! Food news, bad idea news, and Dick Cheney is still a dick news. (Okay, that's not exactly news, but we have yet another example for you.) Come on in, the water's fine. And the pizza's pretty good too.

• Scott Brown, the centerfold fromMassachusettsNew Hampshire, sure is touchy . And he does not like to be called mean names like "lobbyist":

  The campaign for New Hampshire Republican Senate candidate Scott Brown threatened to sue Harvard professor Lawrence Lessig Sunday over a mailer calling Brown a “former Washington lobbyist.”

  Tonight is the last primary of this election season, and while Scott Brown is expected to easily win his party's nomination for Senate, let's all keep our fingers crossed it's the last victory night he and his nipples ever celebrate.

• Florida Man finds a really big shrimp . Really big:

  It appears that this monster is something called a mantis shrimp, and a cursory Google search reveals that mantis shrimps are badass.

  Go look at the pictures. You will not believe them. And you'll definitely need a bigger bowl of cocktail sauce.

•  Family feud :

  A judge granted a domestic abuse protection order against Lt. Gov. Lavon Heidemann Monday morning in Johnson County, ordering him to stay away from his sister, who said he assaulted her Aug. 19. [...]

  A protection order was issued Monday by District Judge Daniel Bryan after Heidemann appeared in court with an attorney. The order bans Heidemann from having contact with his sister, Lois Bohling of Elk Creek, or being at his mother’s house when Bohling is there.

  An affidavit filed by Bohling alleges Heidemann got into a heated argument in October 2013 when their handicapped 84-year-old mother gathered the family to talk about how to disperse their deceased father’s property. Bohling is the personal representative for her father’s estate.

  Bohling claimed Heidemann shouted at her husband during the meeting, became angry with her during a November phone call about the value of their father’s items and shouted and came at her “like a wild man that scared me to pieces” during a December family meeting. After that, she said she avoided him.

•  Still a Dick :

  The Wyoming State Bar invited Cheney, a prominent Republican with deep Wyoming ties, to be keynote speaker at its annual convention next week. [...]

  In its announcement of Cheney's speech, it published an unedited biography submitted by Cheney in which he criticized President Obama, saying he weakened the United States' security posture.

  The biography submitted by Cheney noted that he and former President George W. Bush left office in January 2009.

  "Shortly thereafter, President Obama began to dismantle the security policies that had kept the nation safe," the Cheney biography stated. "His policy decisions have led to a reversal of the gains America made in the war on terror in countries like Iraq and Afghanistan, and a weakening of America across the globe."

  Dick.

• From Wonkette tipster Beaumarchais, this seems like a bad idea:

  A planned fundraiser for San Luis Obispo County supervisor candidate Lynn Compton involving “hobo stew” has become the center of the latest controversy in the nasty campaign for the fourth district seat.

  The Compton campaign is planning an Oct. 5 fundraiser at the Oceano train depot in which attendees are invited to come dressed in hobo attire and eat soup dubbed hobo stew. The fundraiser has prompted allegations from incumbent Caren Ray’s campaign that Compton is showing contempt for homeless individuals.

• Are you a total geek? Do you like pizza? Then have we got a treat for you :

  We’ve all been there. You pick up a slice of pizza and you’re about to take a bite, but it flops over and dangles limply from your fingers instead. The crust isn’t stiff enough to support the weight of the slice. Maybe you should have gone for fewer toppings. But there’s no need to despair, for years of pizza eating experience have taught you how to deal with this situation. Just fold the pizza slice into a U shape (aka the fold hold). This keeps the slice from flopping over, and you can proceed to enjoy your meal. (If you don’t have a slice of pizza handy, you can try this out with a sheet of paper.)

  Behind this pizza trick lies a powerful mathematical result about curved surfaces, one that’s so startling that its discoverer, the mathematical genius Carl Friedrich Gauss, named it Theorema Egregium, Latin for excellent or remarkable theorem.

• Happy Nice Time People has The 6 Worst Attempts to Drag Jack the Ripper into Your Television :

  With the true identity of Jack the Ripper apparently being confirmed over the weekend as a 23-year-old schizophrenic hairdresser named Aaron Kosminski, who was later committed and died in an asylum, the insane theories of countless campy TV shows have been thrown out the window.

  Here’s a list of the six dumbest appearances of Jack the Ripper in TV shows that should have known better.

  Go read and enjoy them all!

• File this one under "ugh." The Daily Caller has a slideshow called These Hot NFL Wives And Girlfriends Are The Players’ Real Achievements . Please feel free to share your thoughts about that in the comments. No, we will not pay to clean the vomit off your keyboards. Sorry.

Now wipe off those keyboards and share your favorite news of the day.