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Sean Hannity Will Do MMA To Mass Shootings Like WHOMP! POW! CRACK! BOING!
Thoughts and prayers no match for KAPOW! ZAP! AAAAH! RAGHRR!
Have you heard Sean Hannity talk about how he is the most famous MMA fighter in the world? It is his thing. If you haven’t heard about it, can you really say you know Sean Hannity? Wethinks not.
During the breaking news reporting on the dreadful godawful latest American mass shooting on Wednesday night in Lewiston, Maine, Sean Hannity thought it would be a good time to talk about his MMA. So he did.
People like to argue about whether guns are involved in mass shootings, or whether they’re possibly caused by abortions (the new lunatic extremist insurgent speaker of the House) or evolution (still him). Lots of people in America are pretty sure this week’s mass shooting happened because there weren’t enough thoughts and prayers after last week’s mass shooting.
But is anybody talking about MMA’s role in this? Yes, Sean Hannity is.
HANNITY: I can literally probably count the seconds before an incident like this becomes politicized and that part of it I never like, because that’s not gonna bring back lives. And then I always ask the question, when something like this happens, what is your plan? What do you do? I have a personal security plan. I train in mixed martial arts. I’ve been a big believer in the Second Amendment for a long time, with the prayer that I would never have to use it.
Again, while the news was breaking he was saying.
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Now, you might have questions here, like “What?”
And “Wait, huh?”
And “What does Sean Hannity think his little chopping hands are going to do to bullets?”
And “Does he think he can dodge the bullets with some kind of MMA dance?”
And we have no notes on any of those questions.
But what’s important to understand here is that talking about MMA makes Hannity feel safer. It’s kind of like when racist white dudes in the exurbs talk in local news comments sections about how they’re not ever coming into the city, and if they did, they’d bring all their guns, but they’re not coming, and you can’t make them.
The “security” Hannity is talking about, we think, is not the definition of “security” that involves alarms and guns and surveillance and bulletproof vests. It’s the definition of “security” that goes with “blanket.”
Last year when a missile hit Poland, Hannity was on the radio, and nobody knew what had happened yet, but Hannity nonetheless immediately started babbling about “if I was Poland” and what he would do if he was Poland. (White conservative men are so infected with Main Character Syndrome they immediately say things like “IF I WAS POLAND!”)
But it immediately reminded us of Hannity talking about his MMA workouts:
“We have days we call ‘keeping it real,’ ” he said. “And keeping it real is like this guy who’s so big and so strong, and he’s coming up to me all throughout an hour-and-15-minute session and putting me in chokeholds, seeing how I respond to a gun to my head. You know, how do I deal with blades? And then another day is pain day, and then literally you put out your arms, ‘Boom, boom, boom.’ ” He mimed a hammer-punching motion against his forearm and stomach. “It’s made me stronger than I’ve ever been in my life.”
THAT is what he is going to do to mass shootings. It’s called “keeping it real.” And it’s like, this guy who’s so big and strong — a mass shooter — and he’s coming up to Sean Hannity, seeing how he responds. You know, how does he deal with blades? And then another day is pain day, and then literally you put out your arms, boom boom boom.
Hammer punchy, hammer punchy, mass shooting all better now!
Still not convinced?
Here is Hannity talking about MMA stuff while reporting on the George Floyd murder:
Need more pictures of Sean Hannity doing MMA, for your morning bunk session? Right here, baby.
Sean Hannity Knows What He'd Do If He Was Poland, He'd Be Like BAM! BAM! And Russia'd Be Like OH SH*T, YO!
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Everybody is making fun of Hannity for this, and that is because he is a fucking loser and an idiot.
According to Michael Wolff’s new book, Rupert Murdoch thinks Hannity is a complete moron, but Murdoch uses words far more offensive than that.
Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
@evanjosephhurst on Threads!
I have profiles those other places but I think I forgot how to log on.