Secretary Sh*tfaced Might Want To Be GOVERNOR Sh*tfaced?
How many jobs can one man be utterly unqualified for?
Good morning, and warmest regards to all those who have made a national pastime out of following around Pete Hegseth, AKA Secretary Shitfaced, to find out all the things he’s doing to take the US military from being the most impressive, fearsome fighting force in the world, and replacing it with this sensitive drunk bitch who used to be a preening Fox News host.
It is a very important national pastime in the ongoing crumbling of what was once a great empire, but under Donald Trump’s pedo-authoritarian presidency, might not even qualify as a real country anymore. (Real countries do not confirm this guy to lifetime judgeships.)
It’s been five full days since our latest episode of “Secretary Shitfaced Drives A Tank Into It!” but SCREEEEEEEEEEEEECH!
What’s that?
NBC News has a report that Secretary Shitfaced might not actually want to continue being Secretary Shitfaced that much longer? Is he going to fuck off to hell and ride a bar cart off into the sunset? No, he wants to run for political office in Tennessee, where he lives outside Nashville, specifically perhaps for governor, and next year. And we would laugh, except Tennessee has never met a syphilitic dumbass fascist it wasn’t more than keen to elect. (And now, thanks to Tennessee’s current halfwit MAGA dipshit governor Bill Lee, Nashville is allegedly going to be home to Elon Musk’s latest inescapable tunnel from hell. Good luck coming out the other side alive if a fire breaks out while you’re inside!)
NBC News has two sources who say Shitfaced has been talking about this, and one says it was very recent, by which we mean in the last three weeks, and very serious. The other source said he was serious too, just didn’t specify when they heard him babbling about this at the end of the bar.
Does DADDY know? And by DADDY, we mean the man Shitfaced sits next to in Cabinet meetings and slobbers and begs for approval, like the little fuckup boy he is.
Does Daddy know? Daddy might get very upset. Somebody go tell Daddy!
NBC News reports that there are a number of issues that might stand in Hegseth’s way of stumblefucking in a straight line all the way to the governor’s mansion, as if rules matter in collapsing authoritarian shitholes. For instance, the currently serving Defense secretary is not allowed to run for office at the same time, not that this lazy bitch is doing anything besides fighting the culture wars that trigger his delicate weenus.
He’s also supposed to have been a Tennessee resident for seven years, but he only moved there — here, for this writer — in 2022, so he could follow one of his other daddies in helping create a gross extremist Christian community for pathetic misogynistic creeper guys with the same masculinity issues he has.
And they’re supposed to have voted in three out of four of the last Tennessee Republican primaries.
Etc.! Details!
We’re sure if Hegseth really wants to do it we have a hunch he’ll find a way to stand there angrily blocking the door with his fist clenched around a bottle of Jack Daniels daring anyone to call the cops to stop him.
Either that or Tennessee Republicans will just eject their tongues from his mouth so they can say “fuck our own rules!” and commence to licking Hegseth’s balls. Tennessee Republicans are not God’s most impressive people.
The NBC News story is full of huffy puffy prissy denials from Pentagon spox Sean Parnell:
“Fake news NBC is so desperate for attention, they are shopping around a made up story… again. Only two options exist: either the ‘sources’ are imaginary or these reporters are getting punked. Secretary Hegseth’s focus remains solely on serving under President Trump and advancing the America First mission at the Department of Defense.”
LOL, as if he would tell that guy. More likely to hook that guy up to one of those sensitive boy lie detectors he’s become so famous for, the ones Daddy Trump just smacked the shit out of him and told him to knock it off with.
Meanwhile, NBC News claims to have other sources who say Shitfaced won’t do this. The article also has fully five paragraphs about what an absolute fuckup Shitfaced has been as Defense secretary. (Wonkette has probably hundreds of articles about that by now. Here’s one!)
So anyway, we guess we’ll just have to see. Will Secretary Shitfaced quit playing boss of all the little green Army men so he can run Tennessee through the guardrails off an embankment into the Mississippi River? Or will he keep smearing his psychosexual insecurities all over the US military and turning it into the laughingstock of the world?
Who knows! NBC News notes that the Tennessee gubernatorial race is already getting full of dipshits who probably think it’s their fuckin’ turn, get out of mah fuckin’ way:
Republican Rep. John Rose is running and has lent himself $5 million to bolster his campaign. Sen. Marsha Blackburn also has long considered a campaign for governor. Blackburn, Tennessee’s senior senator, has served in public office for more than 25 years and holds considerable sway among the state’s GOP.
Yeah, Marsha would kick that little priss into space, should she decide her time has come.
Of course, NBC News notes she could run for governor and decide to anoint Hegseth as her successor in the Senate. Hahahahahaha, SENATOR Shitfaced. We’re sure he’d do a bang-up job at that, emphasis on the banging up.
In other Hegseth headlines, Maggie Haberman reports that Shitfaced is now requiring people (white men) who are up for four-star general promotions to go to Daddy’s office in the big tacky gold-plated white house and meet with Daddy and make sure Daddy likes them because Shitfaced loves Daddy and does whatever Daddy wants and Shitfaced and Daddy have to make sure these general guys are “WARFIGHTERS!” — Christ, he is such a little bitch — and Shitfaced isn’t enough of a man or a strong enough military leader to tell the authoritarian shitheel president to fuck off with his demands for loyalty tests from four-star general nominees.
And that story is in the newspaper because having one million embarrassing stories in the newspaper is just another day in the life of Secretary Shitfaced. We’re sure there are like 12 more, but we don’t feel like looking for them, maybe they’ll be in our next post about Secretary Shitfaced, the end.
[NBC News]
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| How many jobs can one man be utterly unqualified for? |
EASIEST. AOTK. EVAH.
Apparently the pedo-fascist-fuckup demographic is a lot larger than we allowed ourselves to believe.