Sexual Penis Guy Ted Cruz Pretty Sure Libs Can’t Please Women Like Sexual Penis Guy Ted Cruz Can

It's a conservative white guy thing, you wouldn't understand.

Dec 20, 2023

Charlie Kirk’s Turning Point USA circle jerk is still going on, and oh boy, we have to imagine that they’re bringing out the good drugs at this point. Or maybe this is happening with everybody stone cold sober, we don’t know. But the point is that Senator Ted Cruz got up there yesterday and made everybody think about his penis. We have to imagine that even in a room full of social lepers like Turning Point USA college students, that wasn’t pleasant.

Before you read this quote and watch this video, please rank all the Republican senators and congressmen in your head from most fuckable to least fuckable, and then write a 500-word essay on why you all put Ted Cruz dead last, behind even Matt Gaetz.

OK ready?

“The left is so bad! They’re so unhappy! They’re so pissed off! And by way, if you were a liberal woman and you had to sleep with those weenies, you’d be pissed too.”

“Those weenies.” He talks so sexy. Aren’t you feeling it in your unmentionable bathing suit regions?

We should clarify: Ted Cruz screamed pretty much all those words, but not some kind of hot manly screaming, more like he was loudly screaming to an innocent sales clerk that he’ll never buy mulch at this store again. He got real quiet when he said “had to sleep with those weenies,” though. Maybe that’s the bedroom voice he uses to seduce Heidi.

So more accurately, the quote was “THE LEFT IS SO BAD! THEY’RE SO UNHAPPY! THEY’RE SO PISSED OFF! AND BY THE WAY! [Sudden change to pervert with windowless van voice and trenchcoat full of Werther’s butterscotches] If you were a liberal woman and you had to sleep with those weenies, you’d be pissed too!”

How many times have you thrown up your breakfast after hearing Ted Cruz say “weenies”?

We should leave this post quickly and never speak of it again, but while we’re on the subject of Ted Cruz’s weird dong that is probably shaped like his weird face, you remember that time during the 2016 Republican primaries when Donald Trump expended great energy campaigning to GOP voters on a platform of “Ted Cruz’s wife is a real uggo” and maybe secretly a whore, and for like two seconds Ted Cruz defended his wife, but then he immediately pivoted to spending the next eight years using his thin lips to make out with Donald Trump’s butt?

Yeah, super hot guy. Don’t you wish his dick was in you, libs? Instead of having to sleep with “those weenies”?

The end.

[via JoeMyGod]

PREVIOUSLY IN TED CRUZ’S WIFE!