Yesterday was Super Tuesday, the Tuesday that is super-er than all the other Tuesdays, because it’s the one where people get to vote in all 57 states — or a lot of them anyway — on who they want to grant the special rose that allows them to bone The Bachelor.
Here are some results of that vote:
Joe Biden and Donald Trump won all the things. Nikki Haley and the urinal cakes who insist on annoying Biden did not win all the things. This November, the contest will be between Biden and Trump. Act accordingly.
OK, Nikki Haley won a thing. She won Vermont, but even the Republicans there are communist pronoun rangers, aren’t they? (The news is breaking that she will suspend her campaign today. She’s not going to endorse, but she’s going to “call on Trump to earn the support of voters who backed her,” per CNN’s Kylie Atwood. Once a coward, always a coward.)
Can you imagine if Joe Biden lost a state? Oh my GOD. It would be one million pundits with one million hot takes on why this means he is old and cannot win.
OK actually Joe Biden lost a thing. The American Samoa Democratic caucus was won by … Jason Fuckin’ Palmer! Take your walk in your tiara and sash, bro!
Palmer-mentum!
It was 51 to 40. Yes, that’s the total votes.
OK anyway, California!
As predicted, Adam Schiff and Republican Steve Garvey advanced in the so-called jungle primary to run for Dianne Feinstein’s old Senate seat in November. What was surprising was how quickly networks were able to declare that result, considering how slowly California counts. That means it wasn’t close, Schiff and Garvey were the top two vote-getters, which means Katie Porter and Barbara Lee were not two of the top vote-getters. People are talking about the massive under-performance from Porter, who had a whole lot more money than Lee did. Long story short, Adam Schiff is your new senator, California!
Of the many congressional primaries, people were watching CA-22, again because of that jungle primary situation. There was concern in that case it would be two Republicans in this swingy district, and that Democrats would get screwed. No worries, it will be Republican David Valadao vs. Democrat Rudy Salas.
More bullet points after the subscription box! Linger there.
That fucking batshit insane person running to be the Republican governor of North Carolina, Mark Robinson? The one who thinks transgender people should poop outside? The one who called the Marjory Stoneman Douglas mass shooting survivors “media prosti-tots”? The Hitler-quoting Holocaust minimizer-slash-denier who has called gay people “filth” and “maggots” and thinks the Black Panther movie was made by a “satanic marxist,” and that it “was only created to pull the shekels out of [Black people’s] Schvartze pockets”? The man who wants to abolish abortion and who puts a Black face on rank southern white supremacy? Oh yeah he won.
What an amazing, amazing gift for Democrats and Joe Biden in November. God, we’ve been wanting to turn North Carolina blue. And with the help of the above piece of shit, we might!
Speaking of turning things blue, Rep. Colin Allred won his primary to run against Ted Cruz in Texas in November.
Lotta the people who won Republican congressional primaries are totally batfuck. For instance, Brandon Gill, who is (LOL) Dinesh D’Souza’s son-in-law.
Palmer-mentum!
Dean Phillips. That’s the bullet point. Dean Phillips. No news to report. Oh wait, looks like he won Cimarron County in the Oklahoma panhandle, with literally 11 votes to Joe Biden’s six. Cimarron-mentum!
Besides how he lost to Marianne Williamson and “uncommitted” and “undecided” and “uninterested” some more, plus the all important “bewitched,” “bothered” and “bewildered” votes.
But really, aside from that American Samoa thing, there wasn’t a damn thing for Joe Biden to worry about. He cleaned up pretty much everywhere.
Fine, fine, he “only” won Minnesota’s primary by 52 percentage points with most of the vote in, due to “uncommitted.”
Maybe “uncommitted” will get swept away by Palmer-mentum!
Full results here. Also Nathaniel Rakich’s Twitter feed gives a lot of context for these smaller races.
Onward to November!
Abortion! Abortion abortion abortion!
The end.
Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
@evanjosephhurst on Threads!
I have profiles those other places but I think I forgot how to log on.
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Well, I'm sort of disappointed Haley isn't staying in it just to be a thorn in the ugly tantrum-baby's ketchup-soaked side, not the least of which because it gave "respectable" R's somebody else at which to throw money, diluting the donations to Dumbass. But also 'cause of the tantrums.
I like how dipshit Dead End Leftists who say they won't vote for Biden try to blame Democrats--"if this election is so important, you should have nominated someone who ignites my funny parts!" To which the only adult answer is this:
Whatever you think of Biden, the reality is he's the nominee, the last man standing before Trump. Sure, you wish it wasn't the case, just as you wished it wasn't Hillary, but it is. And now your choice is either to support him and keep Trump from literally causing the deaths of lots of vulnerable people--which he also did last time!--or sit this one out and pretend you're such a pure progressive but everyone is going to know you're just a MAGA who is too cowardly to admit that you really don't think Trump would be so bad for you, personally, because fuck vulnerable people, you will get to feel like the resistance even though you didn't do the least thing you could which is to cast a vote. Rest in fuckery, MAGA.