Should We Throw Trump A Military Parade For His 79th Birthday? Yes, No, Or Go F*ck Yourself?
Kim Don Ugh.
Hello, peasants of America! Did you realize that there are only 68 more shopping days until Dear Leader’s 79th birthday? But do not worry, he already knows what he wants: a BIG BEAUTIFUL FOUR MILE hundred-million-dollar-ish military parade! Dear Leader’s birthday, June 14, is also Flag Day and the 250th anniversary of the US Army, so it’s like God wants this, the little people to worship beautiful Trump and the weapons of mass destruction at his command. You are welcome. Perhaps you might contemplate how unpleasant it would be to have said weapons pointed at you if you are ever thinking disloyal thoughts about the birthday boy, or a Tesla dealership!
Oh, the irony, or rather the shoving-it-in-your-faceness of a self-thrown military parade to honor a guy who dodged the draft with bone spurs, and just last weekend could not be bothered to pay respects to the dead soldiers recovered in Lithuania after a fatal training fuck-up on Pete Hegseth’s watch, because he was too busy golfing for the 18th time in 70 days. The guy who wants to cut 60,000 civilian military jobs, and 80,000 from the Department of Veterans’ affairs, and reportedly called service members “suckers” and “losers.” But he will honor them by having them honor him, and honoring him is really honoring them, see how it works in cult-of-personality-land?
Ever since Trump saw the Bastille Day parade in France in 2017, he’s been openly fantasizing about presiding over his own review stand. Though probably it’s something he’s always dreamed of since old Fred sent him to military school to get him out from underfoot. Bastille Day has been commemorated in France every year since the 1880s, celebrating how a crowd stormed the fortress-prison in Paris that had historically held people jailed on the basis of lettres de cachet, “arbitrary royal indictments that could not be appealed and did not indicate the reason for the imprisonment.” Sound like anybody you know? Anyway, Dictator Day One gushed to French President Macron, “we’re going to have to try and top it.”
But back home, Trump was forced to back off of that BIG BEAUTIFUL MILITARY PARADE plan during his first term, on account of how it was estimated to cost about $92 million, not a very efficient use of funds, and would tear up DC and Virginia’s streets, and there’s also a question if Arlington Memorial Bridge could hold the weight of tanks and other military hardware.
He whined on Twitter in 2018:
“The local politicians who run Washington, D.C. (poorly) know a windfall when they see it. When asked to give us a price for holding a great celebratory military parade, they wanted a number so ridiculously high that I cancelled it. Never let someone hold you up! I will instead …attend the big parade already scheduled at Andrews Air Force Base on a different date…”
He just assumes everybody is making kickbacks!
Yeah, a massive parade costs money, a-duh, and creates a logistical nightmare for no reason but to pump the old man’s ego. There’s getting all of the branches of the military to get together their shiniest pew pews, bangbangs, vroomvrooms and members in their uniforms, then securing a route including airspace all the way from the Pentagon in Arlington, Virginia, to the White House, controlling traffic and re-routing transportation with a four-mile unpassable strip in the middle, repairing pavement destroyed by tanks, all that stuff costs time and money.
And it’s a bad idea because it’s fucking tacky, like what North Korea and China do. If you’re the most powerful military in the world, why the need to flaunt it? It reeks of insecurity. And dictatorship. Will we also get free portraits of Dear Leader, which we can hang in our homes and polish every day?
But Kim Don UGH will not be deterred! THIS time around he’s already fired anybody around him who might tell him it’s a dumb idea and a bad look. And so according to Arlington County Board Chair Takis Karantonis, the White House rang him up on Friday to give a “heads up” that the parade will be happening, like it or not.
“It’s not clear to me what the scope of a parade would be,” Karantois told the Washington City Paper. “But I would hope the federal government remains sensitive to the pain and concerns of numerous veteran residents who have lost or might lose their jobs in recent federal decisions, as they reflect on how best to celebrate the Army’s anniversary.”
Oh sure, if by “sensitive” you mean savoring with delight the tears of the traumatized.
Nobody better stand in front of a tank with any shopping bags; that tank will not be stopping.
Well hell, why didn't they just wait until July to have the tanks tear up Black Lives Matter Plaza instead of paying extra to remove it last month?
You'd think the symbolism of tank treads obliterating the message would have been irresistible.
What could possibly be more American than having a military parade presided over by a five time draft dodger?
The same draft dodger who gladly called my dead son...a "sucker and loser"?