Happy Friday, good morning, shit still going down!
Here’s what we’re reading today.
We will start with the happiest news we’ve had lately, which Dok gave you end of day yesterday. So far nobody’s got that much to say besides like “HA” and “HAHA” and “HAHA, HAHA!”
Oh, did Kristi Noem get her ass canned because Republicans and Trump are scared about Fuck ICE and Texas? MEBBE. I am just free-associating from this by The Fucking News.
Now here are bad things! (VERY BAD, feel free to skip!)
Well they finally — the day after Attorney General Pam Bondi was subpoenaed by the House Oversight Committee — put up the FBI interviews with whichever Jane Doe (I think Marcie said there was more than one?) said she bit Trump on the dick while he tried to force her to perform fellatio. UPDATE: The lawsuit was from a different woman. When I first heard about the lawsuit a decade ago I thought “eh, he’s disgusting and a child rapist but that in PARTICULAR” (I don’t remember which particular, maybe the violence of the punching, but maybe that was also before we knew his ex-wife Ivana Trump had said he’d violently raped her) “doesn’t sound like him.” But now here are the interviews and oh, yes, yes it does. And the details are so prosaic, so mundane … so real. Well. (DOJ / DOJ)
Trump sure has pardoned a lot of child sex abusers. This one, who was pardoned for January 6, just got life. (NPR)
We probably didn’t mean to kill 165 schoolgirls in Iran, maybe, probably. So nobody will be mad, right? (Paul Waldman)
When Jimmy was a little boy of 10, on our road trip to Vermont and back, we were in the Columbus Radisson — the greatest place in the world — and I was at the bar, making friends! Mostly two best friend vet beer truck drivers, one Black and one white, who took turns dancing with me, it was the greatest night! I talked to a guy home from Iraq who was in charge of assigning people their MOSes. He said Halliburton was sending empty convoys to pad their billing, and his guys were getting blown up escorting empty trucks, and he wouldn’t have minded so much if they got blown up bringing supplies to their comrades who needed them, but the trucks were empty. I didn’t know how to report that out, so I never did. But I always believed him. Anyway, here’s this cursed thing:
Here is a number to sit with: $2,000 per truckload.
That’s the fee a little-known Florida company called Gothams LLC — the same firm that ran the “Alligator Alcatraz” immigrant detention center — wants to charge for every single humanitarian aid truck entering a conflict zone under American control. Commercial trucks? $12,000 each. The contract they pitched to the White House demands a seven-year monopoly on all trucking and logistics, with a guaranteed 300% return on capital expenditure. Federal contracting experts called it “highway robbery.” The White House claimed the proposal was shelved. Records show Gothams partners were still coordinating with administration officials as recently as early 2026.
This is the Iran war.
Not sure I can keep reading. (Democracy Defender)
People keep saying things like “EVEN People!” but People BEEN woke. Latest: “Trump Says ‘I Guess’ Americans Should Worry About Iran Retaliating on U.S. Soil: ‘Like I Said, Some People Will Die’” (People)
Has JD Vance considered unconverting from Catholicism? Because the bishops, they haaaaaaate himmmmm. For shitting on immigrants, saying bishops are only trying to protect immigrants to “make money,” and probably also because of how he killed Cool Pope Frank. (Letters From Leo)
Whom is the AI killing today? No, I don’t mean the autonomous drones. Just this guy the AI coached to “cross over” to join his “AI wife” after he “failed” in his “mission” to get his “AI wife” a “synthetic body” and “she” set him a “suicide countdown clock.” You guys. What are we DOING. (archive link Tampa Bay Times)
I can’t stop thinking about how a Biden FBI director would be savaged if he presided over Nancy Guthrie still being missing after a month. Anyway, Nancy Guthrie has been missing more than a month. (LA Times) And Kash Patel seems to fire more FBI agents every time he gets bad press. (MS Now)
Still in shock that Trump literally knocked down half the White House like he’s the aliens in Independence Day. These good folks showed up to protest the stacked planning commission that was going to vote to approve his new Epstein Ballroom — which has now postponed. (Pix at Public Citizen’s google drive)
These Florida Republicans are so racist that they’re getting called out by Florida Republicans. They seem awful!!! (The Guardian)
We bought 330,000 boxes of cookies from the trans Girl Scouts!!!! :D :D :D (Erin in the Morning)
I would totally save a baby. I am exactly as heroic as this trans comedian in Chicago who actually did. (Advocate)
Everybody feel bad about yourselves! Lois Lowry, author of The Giver (among apparently 49 others), has a new novel for middle schoolers about book banning coming out this fall. Lois Lowry is 89. What are YOU doing? (Bookshop)
What are you watching with your friend ZiggyWiggy for Saturday Movie Night? You lucky freaks are watching the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version of The Mole People. It is available for free on YouTube. Saturday! 9 p.m. Eastern!
Yes I’m going to be shilling this fundraiser all month. Support the girls’ Detroit public elementary school and buy some pizza (pizza). Little Caesar’s will ship the incredibly convenient pizza kits right to your home! Swear to god it is worth having these in your freezer, I was sad when we finally ate all ours last year. (Pizza Pizza)
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Happy Friday!
This gif is going out to superfan Menotsure. It’s all about the quoll: https://martiniambassador.substack.com/p/quolls
And your meme chat: https://open.substack.com/chat/posts/0aa20828-b7f8-49e5-ace2-ba5b3e3f7203?utm_source=share
I hope you enjoyed Marsupial Madness 😁
I think of myself as pretty sturdy as far as stealing myself to watch all the terrible things that they show on the nightly news, but I was absolutely a weeping mess during the coverage of the girls' school bombing showing all those anguished parents and all of those little graves. The most evil shit is happening in our name and with our tax dollars.