Kristi Noem Leaving On A Sex Plane

Does Corey have to stay and be Markwayne Mullin's fuckpiece, or does he leave too?

Sickos: ‘Yes! YESS!!’

Department of Homeland Security Secretary, ICE Barbie cosplayer, luxe air travel enthusiast, and future defendant on a fuckton of human rights violation charges Kristi Noem is out, promotefired suddenly today by Donald Trump for we don’t even know what real reasons. (She got beat up on TV, by Republicans/she said Trump Himself personally okayed $200 million in “Make Kristi Great Again” Super Bowl ads, take your pick but it’s one of those.)

In Trump I, everybody was fired or quitting all of the time — Trump had, at last count in our heads at the moment, 147 attorneys general — but in this somehow worser term, Trump has declined to can even the most embarrassing fucknozzles, so as not to give the media “a scalp.” Somehow Kristi Noem failed to clear the bar, which was under the ground, and so she is cut.

Noem will leave DHS at the end of the month. Perhaps she will take a few more field trips to personally stand in front of scary shaved-headed tattooed inmates in El Salvador (who actually weren’t actually any of our deportees, not that that matters) or to rappel from a helicopter to bash in every door in an apartment building, no warrants required, and put every resident — citizen and immigrant, grownup and child alike — zip tied onto a bus. Fuck if we know why that never made the NYT or WaPo front pages.

She is to be replaced, if Trump gets his request (he presumably will!), by Sen. Markwayne Mullin of Oklahoma, who may have secured the job this week when he pretended to know all about War Things like what does war smell like and what does war taste like. Mullin, a wealthy plumbing contractor, has never served in any branch of the military or seen combat, but he’s already demonstrating he has the flair for military cosplay that made Noem so qualified for her job.

Noem herself will take on a new made-up job called “Envoy for The Shield of the Americas,” Trump said on his fake Twitter site, describing her new job as leading “our new Security Initiative in the Western Hemisphere.” We guess that means she’ll be transferring her war crimes skills from overseeing ethnic cleansing and concentration camps to picking targets for the military to blow up with drones and then claim they were smuggling drugs. Dog breeders in South and Central America, you have been warned.

Trump allegedly told Noem about her “promotion” this afternoon, although several observers said on social media that as Noem spoke to a police union conference in Nashville, after the news broke, neither she nor the audience members acted as if she’d been fired. Or maybe, you haters, she’s such a consummate professional that she simply doesn’t show emotion, adopting instead the flat affect of a sociopathic pet killer.

Punchbowl News reported this morning that Trump was mulling firing Noem — and possibly mulling Mullin as her replacement — following her cringe-inducing testimony Tuesday before the Senate Judiciary Committee. (Yesterday’s scuttlebutt, after her atrocious congressional testimony, was that Republican senators were hoping that the Democrats would agree to once again fund DHS, which they have uncharactisterically yet to do, if they offered up Noem as a sacrificial goat.)

While normal human beings were disgusted by her refusal to back off her claim that Renee Good and Alex Pretti were “domestic terrorists” who had to be killed to protect America, Trump was reportedly “especially upset about Noem’s response when Sen. John Kennedy (R-La.) pressed her Tuesday about a government-funded ad campaign that Kennedy said only served to boost her own personal name recognition nationally.”

That ad campaign, filmed at Mount Rushmore, was the result of a $220 million no-bid contract that farmed work out to a firm run by Ben Yoho, the husband of former DHS spokesperson Tricia McLaughlin, who resigned suddenly last month to lie more to her family. Punchbowl notes that Yoho said he made $226,137.13 for the “work.”

Trump was apparently steaming mad that Noem repeatedly said the contract was approved by Trump, as she told Kennedy in the hearing.

KENNEDY: “The president approved ahead of time you spending $220 million running TV ads across the country in which you are featured prominently?”

NOEM: “Yes sir, we went through the legal processes …”

KENNEDY: “Did the president know you were gonna do this?”

NOEM: “Yes.”

KENNEDY: “He did?”

NOEM: “Uh huh, yes.”

TRUMP: [sounds of half-chewed Big Mac, fries, and ketchup hitting wall]

Punchbowl News notes, without comment, that a DHS spokesperson said, “The domestic ad campaign has been the most successful ad campaign in U.S. history… The ad campaign saved the U.S. taxpayers over $39 billion.”

Is that New Math? Or woke CRT math? Or just standard Trump Org accounting?

And of course there’s the ickiness of all the “questions” around the alleged blanket and mystery-bag relationship between Noem and Corey Lewandowski, where everyone knows the answer is “they’re fucking, ewwww” (allegedly), but politely pretends there’s any question. Noem called the questions “tabloid garbage,” which is not quite or even anything resembling a denial. The whole thing is apparently very gauche to President Adjudicated McRapey, who settled secret suits by adult film stars and models he fucked while his third wife was probably totally fat and disgusting four months after bearing his youngest son.

Also fun: Now that Trump has chosen Markwayne Mullin to replace Noem, he’ll need to get confirmed by his soon-to-be former colleagues in the Senate, specifically by the Senate Homeland Security Committee. This could prove amusing, considering that in a profile of Mullin last month, Oklahoma political reporter David Arnett reported that, at an Oklahoma political event on Valentine’s Day, Mullin went on a riff about how one of his colleagues, Rand Paul, was a dirty low-down scoundrel and a bounder:

“What Rand was trying to do was trying to kill the farm bill because he’s trying to legalize hemp for drinks in Kentucky because of tobacco industry shifts. There is always a backstory,” Mullin said.

“I respect Bernie Sanders because he’s an open socialist, and you know that he’s a communist so you know what you’re getting. Rand Paul’s a freaking snake. And I understand completely why his neighbor did what he did. And I told him that to his face. It stirred people up like Cheryl, who don’t know the backstory. And then that night Rand sends out a fundraising letter on it. It’s a gimmick,” Mullin added.

This is quite humorous, because you certainly have realized by now that the chair of the Senate Homeland Security Committee is a Kentucky ophthalmologist named Rand Paul.

Regardless! We shall now dance and make merry, because while ICE has not yet been melted, and we still await Noem’s date with the Hague, when an evil fucking person gets a big old public heave-ho, it is good to greet that news with joy, and tell them “I FIRE YOU” and “YOU ARE NOW GTFO.”

OPEN THREAD.

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[NBC News / Punchbowl News / Straight Up]

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