Shut Up, Losers, Donald Trump Never Said That Thing He Said

Donald Trump, he looooooooooves women, yo. Cherishes them, in fact! And he's gonna besooooooogood for women, you don't even know. Better than Hillary Clinton! 

Donald Trump pledged Thursday that supporting women’s health will be “a very major thing” in his presidential campaign.

“I will take care of women’s health and women’s health issues better than anybody and far better than Hillary Clinton, who doesn’t have a clue,” he told reporters after an afternoon rally here.

But, like any good Republican presidential candidate, Trump is of course opposed to the multi-kajillion dollar abortion industrial complex that is run by Planned Parenthood. He might want to make sweet metaphorical Donald love to women's health issues, but notthatway.

Here's Trump having a chit-chat with Bill O'Reilly about the important issues of the day, like how Colin Powell is "totally wrong" for supporting Black Lives Matter because, says Donald, "It's all lives matter, and that should be the theme of this country, frankly." Also, Powell is "obviously catering to somebody" by radically declaring that the Black Lives Matter movement is bringing attention to important issues.

But O'Reilly, the world's greatest and bravest and most award-winningest journalist of all time, has what he thinks is a terrific Hard-Hitting Journalism follow-up for The Donald:

O'REILLY: All right, if all lives matter, then, why do you support Planned Parenthood, and not cutting off the funding, since they're the top abortion provider, and now we know they're engaged in selling the parts of dead babies.

Minor point, of course, but actually we know Planned Parenthood isn'tengaged in that, as all the investigations to date have proven, and also very few Planned Parenthood clinics even participate in fetal tissue donation programs at all, but we wouldn't expect Best Journalist EVAH O'Reilly to get caught up in those kinds of petty details.

O'REILLY: And you don't want to cut off their funding, so if all lives matter --

TRUMP: I think you have your facts wrong. I'm not supporting Planned Parenthood. Somebody said I was supporting Planned -- I'm not supporting Planned Parenthood!

O'REILLY: Would you cut off funding?

TRUMP: I'm against Planned Parenthood. Yes, I would. I don't know where you got this information. I never said that.

O'REILLY: That was the report.

TRUMP: I'm against Planned Parenthood. Totally against -- well, because you read a wrong report, Bill, you have bad researchers, what can I tell you?

O'REILLY: No, no, no, no, no. It was an erroneous report, but that was the report. We'll take care of the people who did that.

TRUMP: It's wrong.

O'REILLY: Go ahead, just state it. State it.

TRUMP: No, I mean, a lot of people say it's an abortion clinic. I'm opposed to that. And I wouldn't do any funding as long as they're performing abortions, and they are performing abortions. So I would be opposed to funding -- I would be totally opposed to funding.

Gosh, we can't begin to imagine where O'Reilly's bad researchers (yeah, "researchers," LOL) would have gotten such bad obviously erroneous information that Donald Trump supports Planned Parenthood, maybe they watched this clip of Donald Trump on CNN:  

TRUMP: I would look at the individual things that they do, and maybe some of the things are good, and maybe, I know a lot of the things are bad. But certainly the abortion aspect of it should not be funded by government, absolutely.

CNN: So you would take a look at it before you’d defund it. That’s what’s being asked right now. Many in your party are doing the opposite. They’re saying defund it, and then look at it. You’re saying look at it first.

TRUMP: I would look at the good aspects of it. I’m sure they do some things properly and good and good for women. And I would look at that.

OK, so Trump would continue the existing policy of not allowing Planned Parenthood to use federal funding for abortion. But as for the other "good aspects" of Planned Parenthood that the half a billion dollars a year in federal funding does cover? Well, only a low-energy loser, like, say, Jeb Bush, would want to cut that! Because when Jeb said he's "not sure we need a half a billion dollars for women's health issues," Donald was pretty quick to stomp all over Jeb's nuts on that very thing:  

“That was a terrible thing for him to say,” he said of Bush. “I cherish women, and I say it all the time. I will take care of women. Women under my administration will be taken care of, not like Jeb Bush; what he said was a disgrace.”

And now, because of Jeb threatening to cut off Planned Parenthood's funding, Trump's vow to fix "women's health issues" and take such TERRIFIC care of chicks and all their chick needs has become a standard lack-of-applause line in his speeches.

So ... which is it? Is Trump going to take care of women's healthcare -- BETTER THAN HILLARY! -- by funding the "good aspects" of Planned Parenthood, unlike Jeb? Or were all those words out of Trump's mouth erroneously reported because that's ridiculous, he would never support Planned Parenthood, HOW DARE YOU, SIR!

Or maybe, just maybe, Trump is a moron who has no idea what he's talking about, which is why he's constantly contradicting himself and blaming others -- like O'Reilly's bad researchers, for example -- for making Trump look like, you know, a moron.

Which is maybe, just maybe, exactly why Trump is doing so well with Republicans, in all of the polls. Because being an ignorant lying moron buffoon is kind of their thing.

[ WaPo /video via TPM ]