Sign Up Bitchez, Wonkette Needs YOU.

You know how I always promised I'd let you know when we really need it? Hi.

Some nice ladies gave us a Hands Off Our Money sign because we didn’t have one. Well? Hands ON our money please! By putting it in your hand and then sending it to us!

I know that fucking lunatic stole all your money, and you are freaking the fuck out and crying into your catfood. But I promised I would let you know if we really need your help, and I am mortified to say for the second time in a month HELLLLP HELLLLP HELPPPPPPP, or else … no or else. Just HELLLLPPPPP.

Two weeks after I moneybegged you to please sign up if you are able, or we would miss our payroll, I am back.

With the readership of a small city, we should be able to handle a reasonable salary and excellent benefits for our full-time writers Evan, Doktor Zoom, Marcie, Robyn, and me, plus our wonderful freelancers Gary, Michael, Ziggy, Hooper your bartender, CripDyke, Andrew in Canada, and Dominic, your photojournalist. (We give you drinks! And a photojournalist! And Cakes We Like! But she is free.) Wonkette brings you TOO MANY POSTS, every day, and I believe you when you write to me and tell me that we saved your life, just by being here, and being us.

We’re in a very ugly place right now, and I don’t mean my poor dusty bank vault. I mean this fascist shitfuck who is doing his best to scare us all into our early graves. And even if you can’t stand reading about it eight times a day’s worth, you know, and I know that you know, and you know that I know that you know, that you need us here and the world needs us here and we need us here together. To get LOUD.

Because all the other institutions are lying down on the fucking job and ONLY WONKETTE is shaking its ass and doing awesome war dances at our enemies and pointing and laughing and making wanking motions at power.

So let’s make this a membership drive. There are currently 5750 paid subscribers to Wonkette either through Substack or through Paypal. Let’s get it to 6000 and make me stop freaking the fuck out. Mama’s got enough hair falling out in clumps watching this sumbitch 14 hours a day, “payroll” (as it has been until recently again!) should just be a given.

Perhaps you’ve been meaning to subscribe for a long time but forgot where you put your credit card. (It’s in the freezer.) Maybe you thought “oh Wonkette will outlive the cockroaches after however Trump gets us into the nuclear war.” This is probably true!

Let’s give you a prize to work toward: When we hit 6,000 paid monthly donors/subscribers, I will give you a week of animal photos in place of all those fuckfaces we litter the homepage with. And if we hit 6,500, I will put on makeup and do a livestream (stare weirdly at you) with Evan. Don’t tell him, it will be a “surprise.” Maybe we’ll start doing them all the time! A fucking million of you (give or take) pay the Bulwark for “podcasts.” Ugh, podcasts.

Here is how you subscribe through Substack, for $8 a month or “more than that annually.”

This button below is how you subscribe for any amount of your choosing, or hit us with a one-time donation, or both! It is via Paypal.

And here is where you send me a Venmo.

Can you send me a check? I don’t know, can you? Just kidding, of course you can.

Wonkette,

PO Box 38273,

Detroit MI 48238.

We love you very much, and if you are poor you better not send me any fucking money, I fucking mean it.

The end.