Slow News Day Things What You Can Read!

Are you enjoying your slow news week? You should. The last time we complained about a news day being slow, Newtown happened, and we haven't complained about a slow news day since. Here are some lovely longreads, dropped simultaneously by outlets that apparently have a well of shit at the ready to run on slow news days, that we did not write, to help you while away your weekend.

Have you read Caity Weaver at Gawker lately, whom, we repeat, we will someday steal? (Weaver, you should probably have a go-bag packed.) Here is a long great piece on taking a Paula Deen cruise, which you very much want to read, as "cruise pieces" are the greatest of all pieces,by law. Our only issue with Weaver's piece is she reduces Paula Deen's racism to having used "that word," decades ago, when the actual racism (as broken by us!) was the fact that black people (and the white manager who stuck up for them) in their place of employment, which Paula Deen owned, were discriminated against horribly , purely on the basis of blackness. That is actual oppression that targets individuals, and it's happening now, not 25 years ago. Nit picked, go on and read it!

Have you read McKay Coppins's greatness on Donald Trump? You should! It's great! Like we just said! There is almost a moment of empathy in there somewhere, we forget where, where the Great Buffoon comes across as a man who just wants to be loved. Also, he has 200 servants at his Palm Beach estate, so, you know, JERBZ!

Have you read this bullshit about the SFPD arresting a lady, tackling her, stomping her, and putting her in solitary because she asked to see a doctor -- all for the crime of helping out at an accident scene and calling 911? You should! it is some fucking bullshit! Fuck you, particular members of the SFPD! And lady, time to file a lawsuit!

Have you read this Esquire piece on Rob Ford, mayor of crazytown? You should! That bitch is crazy!

Now we will go back to waiting for the Michael Dunn jury, now in its 174th year of deliberations in the murder of Jordan Davis. We will be lying on the floor. It isn't going to lie on itself.