Some Idiot Dabbed At Paul Ryan, And Other Stuff. Wonkagenda For Wed., Jan. 4, 2017

•  Congress critters wasted no time in their balls-out approach to acting like they were working. The first day of the new congressional session was a big, fat mess when Republicans tried to secretly shit in the Ethics office then introduced some budget fuckery to kill Obamacare, and another bill to issue new fines for selfies on the House floor. The day ended with new Democratic Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer giving a rousing* speech. *Your definition of "rousing" may vary.

•  LIBERAL New York Governor Andrew Cuomo is going to let the kids of poors go to state colleges and universities for free if their parents earn less than $125,000, an awful idea that will undoubtedly turn everyone in New York into beard-o hipster communists who laze about rustic coffee shops, vaping and writing Vogon poetry.

•   Leaked evidence from a California investigation suggests the bank ran by Trump's pick for Treasury secretary, Steve Mnuchin, did even more unsavory things during the foreclosure crisis of 2008 than we already knew about!  Which should make his nomination fight that much more interesting!

•  Some NAACP members were arrested for staging a sit-in at Republican Senator Jeff Sessions's office in Mobile, Alabama, because that guy is a DICK.

•  Donald Trump's sexy Soviet cyber story time was delayed because Obama is still not done presidenting, but don't tell Donald Trump, that might make them look like A Idiot.

•  California's Democratic legislature has lawyered up with Eric Holder in anticipation of long, protracted legal fights with Trump and Congress as they try to strip away human rights and dignity. Hold fast!

•  House Republicans may try to enact the Congressional Review Act in order to repeal regulations enacted by Obama seeing as how the man tried to rape states' rights by forcing businesses to pay fair wages and dole out Title X funding to Planned Parenthood.

•  The Women's March on Washington is expecting20,000200,000 people to help usher in The Vagenda of Manocide, but they'll apparently be met by a biker gang and the Westboro Baptist Church. Nothing says, "America" like bikers and Bible thumpers covered in flags and crosses littering and loitering on the National Mall while they bitch about "fags" stealing freedom.

• Do you remember how conservative blowhards and conspiracy crazies were just beside themselves with grief over allegations that the Clinton Foundation might have possibly paid for Chelsea Clinton's wedding with Clinton Foundation funds? If not it's probably because those shocking allegations were a lie and touted by many stupid people who couldn't check their facts.

• Democrats are getting dastardly as they gear up for 2020 elections by proposing bills that would bar candidates from state ballots unless they release tax returns . Not fair!

•  The Pentagon has decided that maybe it was a bad idea to make California National Guardsmen repay signing bonuses that they were erroneously given as incentives, so "only a few hundred" will have to cough up the cash. #EmbraceTheSuck

•  Book publisher Simon & Schuster is catching heat for publishing a book by some garish Breitbart bozo whose only claim to fame is screaming "dicks" a lot, having no style, and getting banned from Twitter for being a racist hatemonger to SNL's Leslie Jones. Some yokels just have no class.

• A fancy lady magazine is citing an anonymous dancer who is saying The Rockettes have been told to put up and shut up (read: "tolerate intolerance") and just raise a leg for his majesty's coronation as God-Emperor King of the Trolls.

• Oh, another thing about that inauguration? Bill O. thinks that it's "reverse McCarthyism" that celebrities don't want to indulge Herr Hair for the inauguration because they'd all be killed if this were North Korea.

• If you want to swoon over Old Handsome Joe Biden you may have to go to Scranton! Biden accidentally revealed that he'll be sticking to Pennsylvania to push his cancer moonshot. It's "a big fucking deal!"

•  This young American hero has been grounded for exercising his First Amendment right to dab behind House Speaker and complete square Paul Ryan during his father's swearing in ceremony in Washington. Godspeed, young patriot!

• Here's some special bonus Nice Time with Ol' Handsome Joe!

• And here's your morning Nice Time, special 360 city foxes!