Sounds Like Ted Cruz Owes Jesus Some Money

Dear Jesus, do you have payment plans?

[contextly_sidebar id="e4UWGBXrPXyQy6jmsESTrAwIWPcf2eNC"]Uh oh, the phone is ringing all day at the Cruz household, and it's coming from an unknown number. And nobody wants to pick it up, because it's the collection agency Jesus sent after one Canadian Ted Cruz, otherwise known as "God's chosen presidential candidate," for failing to PAY UP the 10 percent of his moneys he owes for the privilege of not having to burn in hell with the homo liberals when he dies:

In a series of interviews this week, political opponents and pastors alike suggested Cruz — an avowed Baptist who is aggressively courting evangelical voters — has flouted the Biblical commandment of tithing in his personal life. [...]

According to personal tax returns released during his 2012 Senate bid, Cruz contributed less than 1% of his income to charity between 2006 and 2010 — a far cry from the 10% most evangelical leaders believe the Bible demands.

[contextly_sidebar id="HBOWfCRIQAxfBA88pBnHqE39bA5Jyq9J"]Wow, Ted Cruz. We knew you were an asshole, but you can't muster even a measly few percents of your millions to give to charities of ANY kind? Couldn't skim a bit off Heidi's Goldman Sachs salary to throw some coins in the Salvation Army tip jar, or to help build the new wing for whatever McJesus McMegaChurch you go to?

[contextly_sidebar id="d4GBVvPnAXlb7s9GZPSoMnYbn4wye7ZL"]Let's see, hmmmmm, which of Ted Cruz's opponents is the smuggest, biggest prickhole Christian of them all, who's mean as a snake what just eated a bad Arkansas chipmunk for lunch? Wonder if he might have anything to say about this!

“I just think it’s hard to say God is first in your life if he’s last in your budget,” Mike Huckabee said in an interview when asked about Cruz’s tithing. “If I can’t trust God with a dime out of each dollar that I earn, then I’m not sure how I can tell him that I trust him with my whole life… To me, it’s a validation of a person’s stewardship and whether they put God first in their life, not just in their political endeavors.” [...]

“It’s a matter of authenticity,” said Huckabee, who was careful not to call out Cruz by name. “If I say I’m a vegan but you look at me eating hamburgers and ribeye every night you’re going to say, ‘I don’t think this guy’s really a vegan.’”

Hucka-zing! Ted Cruz is a fake Christian and a fake vegan and probably a fake American, not that we're implying anything by that except for trolling purposes. And according to BuzzFeed, Huckabee and the Hucka-missus donated upward of 10 percent of their income to charity in recent years, so at least the mean asshole motherfucker isn't lying this time.

[contextly_sidebar id="rzJxPeUwvhE7k4PJAYeIwCyAZoBZCYX4"]But hey, what is this non-vegan meat giblet of information, provided by reporter McKay Coppins, about how maybe just maybe Cruz's love for Jesus is as newfound as his love for the US and A?

As I report in my book,The Wilderness, some who worked closely with Cruz earlier in his career have been puzzled by his recent transformation into a culture warrior. “He was never particularly religious as far as I knew,” said one aide who worked for him in the Texas solicitor general’s office. “I’m not even sure he went to church.”

[contextly_sidebar id="r2KDWWGTlgLhReaxVkap27TmyHTjYTW9"]Now which of Cruz's opponents is SECOND Jesusiest, one who has such a special relationship with the Man Upstairs that he actually got to cheat off God's answers in his college chemistry final? Wonder if HE has anything particularly MEOW! to say about Ted Cruz being a deadbeat Christian who needs to pay the fuck up?

“Since tithing is a personal commitment between oneself and God, I wouldn’t begin to speculate on someone else’s faith or devotion,” Carson said. “I know that tithing and charity are deeply important to me, and I have always been committed to giving back to the Lord and to the community. Every voter will have to decide for themselves what they are looking for in a leader. But I hope that they will see in me a man who has always led by example, and always stayed true to his commitment to God.”

[contextly_sidebar id="y2r1ETVmtEcRjBriKqG0FfYGcRxqXc5i"]Carson, like Cruz, was fingered by God to run for president, so maybe he's subtly saying that maybe God likes him better than that asswipe Ted Cruz, which wouldn't be surprising, because Everybody Hates Ted Cruz. 

Ted Cruz's Bible-beating dad is going to be soooo disappointed when he reads internets today.

But let's be super fair to Cruz: Maybe Jesus doesn't accept Cuban-Canadian pesos as gifts.

[ BuzzFeed ]