Steve Bannon Gonna Show Trump How To Dissolve Russia Investigation In An Acid-Filled Bathtub
He woke up like this.
We're having a hard time picking out our favorite part of the "legal advice" well-known "lawyer" Steve Bannon is pitching to the White House, in a bid to show Donald Trump that he, Bannon, is still Trump's super pal who has his back and wants him to get away with ALL THE CRIMES. Robert Costa broke this story late Wednesday at the Washington Post , and it is just exactly what we expect from somebody who doesn't have a law degree, but who DOES have a weird episode in his history when he was involved with a house in south Florida with an acid-filled bathtub that MAYBE was used for cooking meth, or MAYBE dissolving a dead body, or MAYBE it was just an innocent thing and the only reason Steve Bannon has that beautiful complexion he has is because he adheres to a strict regimen of soaking in acid-filled bathtubs. What happens in Steve Bannon's bathtubs stays in Steve Bannon's bathtubs. (Unless it eats through the floor and into the foyer below!)
Is it STEP ONE, where Trump sets off a constitutional crisis by firing Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein, who oversees the Robert Mueller investigation, even though Steve Bannon previously has said the most stupidest thing Trump has ever done was to fire James Comey from the FBI, in order to obstruct the Russia investigation? MAYBE.
Is it STEP TWO, where Trump immediately and henceforth refuses to cooperate with Robert Mueller, which will just make him look GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY? Could be!
Is it STEP THREE where he thinks he and Donald Trump can spin around in circles really fast, and that the assorted gristle flying off their crusty bodies will create a gristle hurricane that magically sprinkles all over the interviews Trump people have voluntarily given Mueller, and the evidence the White House and the Trump campaign have voluntarily handed to Mueller, thus rendering them null and void by endowing them with RETROACTIVE EXECUTIVE PRIVILEGE, which is actually not even a thing? That is definitely ONE of our favorite parts!
Is it STEP FOUR, which is COLLECT UNDERPANTS?
Is it STEP FIVE, which is very clearly ???????????
Is it STEP SIX, which is how Bannon wants Trump to fire Ty Cobb, the White House lawyer representing Trump in the Russia investigation, the man who is officially TRUMP'S LAST REAL LIVE ACTUAL LAWYER? (Sorry, Jay Sekulow. We mean this with kindness, but you should probably go back to defending Christian conservative dick slits from the oppression of having to bake cakes for homo-gays. It is really more your wheelhouse.)
We just cannot decide the best part of Steve Bannon's very smart idea for dissolving the Russia investigation in an acid-filled bathtub!
We don't know if Bannon has gotten to Trump yet, but Robert Costa reports his fumes are at least wafting in that direction:
Bannon’s conversations, including a meeting Tuesday night between the former strategist and Trump confidants, have so far remained through back channels.
The 64-year-old strategist has huddled in recent days — at his Capitol Hill townhouse, a Washington hotel and over the phone — with a handful of White House aides, GOP lawmakers and conservative media figures who speak frequently with Trump ...
Fabulous. Just fabulous.
We are at least glad to see nobody is pretending anymore that Trump isn't guilty as fucking sin. We're not sure Bannon's advice to "ACT AS GUILTY AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN" is the best course for the president, but then again, we're really not emotionally invested in Trump's success, so YOU DO YOU, MISTER PRESIDENT IDIOT MAN.
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[ Washington Post ]