Steve 'Garbage Alley' Hickey Shares Many Additional Thoughts About Buttsechs

Because we happen to know that there is almost no end to the dumb things a guy like South Dakota state Rep. Steve Hickey can say about buttsechs, the good legislator was invited onto some local webcast thing from the Argus Leader newspaper, which didn't run his crazy buttsex letter last week, but was willing to host Hickey for a 30-minute chat with managing editor Patrick Lalley, because Pageviews. And so Hickey talked, at length, about the nastiness of people who have the sex in their garbage alleys. No, we will not summarize the whole talk, because we value our cerebral cortex and yours. But we will bring you some very painful highlights!

Asked if he had any regrets about his "one-way alley for the garbage truck"analogy (haha, even the literary term is dirty!), Hickey said that it was just about the cleanest term he could think of for a very dirty activity, and added that he believed that there was a lot of "fake outrage from the crowd that gives us Pride parades with in-your-face shock value obscenity and vulgarity down main street America."

Of course no one was especially outraged by Hickey's metaphor so much as they found it ridiculous; it's his obsession with buttsex that's maybe a little outrageous. But for the most part, we saw him getting mocked, which is way different from being the subject of outrage. We think maybe he has some other vocabulary problems as well.

The real point, Hickey says, is that he just wants equal time, because you see, the national face of the challenge to South Dakota's ban on same-sex marriage is "two wonderful old ladies who've been in a same-sex relationship for many years and want to get married, and who could be against that?" But that's not right! The reality of gay marriage is big sweaty men putting their engorged peeeners into each other's buttholes! And Rep. Hickey is pretty sure that if most Americans would only give obsessive attention to the moment by moment mechanics of a big swollen cock pounding again and again into a gaping man-canyon, possibly in slow motion HD on his home computer, they would probably find it every bit as loathsome as he does. Also, he objects to heterosexual anal sex, too!

I personally think that the degradation of women is an issue we need to talk about, too, I think men need to figure out ways... and I've been forthright about it, you know, pushin' women down and facing them the other way, it's graphic, but let's talk about what we're talking about before we legitimize it, and I want the health community to come in here...

So apparently all anal sex is a kind of forcible rape. Plus, according to some doctors he's talked to, most gay men end up needing colostomy bags and die 20 years earlier than normal people, plus an article a doctor sent him from the Journal of Sex Research said that the mean number of sex partners for gay men is 251, and that doesn't even get into the nice number of sex partners. So the face of gay marriage is definitely not "two nice grandmas in Rapid City," for heaven's sake. We bet they have really icky sex, too, even if they put down a doily. If you let them get married, all the buttsex will follow.

Also, the Family. Gotta protect the Family, which could go extinct. And wait a damn minute here, we actually are summarizing the whole damn thing, aren't we? We will knock that off. Except that we do have to mention the very reliable study that Hickey found, which proves that unlike those promiscuous gheys, 81% of heterosexual married men are faithful to their spouses, which drew a derisive snort from Mr. Lalley, whose wife, should she exist, maybe ought to check up on him.

Hickey's bestest talking point of the whole interview goes just that extra touch beyond the "garbage truck" analogy, somehow. Displeased with a reply from Dr. Kevin Weiland, who wrote a letter of his own, explaining that being gay isn't a disease. Hickey says that Weiland totally missed the very important P-E-N-I-S in the ANUS public health point:

And here's what I'd like to ask Dr. Weiland. Do you tell your patients to wash their hands before they eat? Why? Because you touch a doorknob and you don't want to get it inside your body. I hesitate to get crude again, but Dr. Weiland, is it OK for, you know, eight of your friends that you're in love with to take a dump in your bed and then you can sleep in it all year long?

We would just like to add that heterosexual women should certainly ask themselves if they really want to allow a conduit for urine anywhere near their sacredgarden, because ew, gross, PEE!

Also, too, congratulations to Mr. Lalley for having the nearly miraculous self-control to sit down and talk with this douchecanoe for a half hour without actually pounding his head against the table. Well-done, sir. And we'd also like to congratulate Mr. Hickey on his shiny new nomination for Wonkette's coveted Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year Award, which in this case we suppose couldn't be more appropriately named if we tried.

Full video at the ArgusLeader website; we'd embed it, but the damned thing is auto-play. Hickey's "dump in the bed" comment comes around the 21-minute point, and we honestly gave up after that, because ick.

[ Argus Leader / TPM ]

 Follow Doktor Zoom on Twitter. He sure hopes that Rep. Hickey runs for higher office.