Stormy Daniels In The Pokey! No, The Hole! No, The Joint! Wait, She Is Out Of The Jug Now

Why would anyone think this is anything like Russia? You libs are so paranoid!

Stormy Daniels, the adult film performer who received big bucks from Donald Trump as hush money for the affair the White House insists the two never had, was arrested at a strip club in Columbus, Ohio, last night for allegedly touching patrons. As you'd expect in a perfectly functional first-world country with a healthy respect for the rule of law, her performance happened to be attended by at least three undercover detectives. This should in no way remind anyone of the way political enemies of Vladimir Putin are conveniently convicted on trumped-up charges, because come on, this is America, what are you, a paranoid Alex Jones kook? Besides, all the charges were dropped today, so there's nothing to see here, move along to your next crazy fake news story, like claiming Donald Trump, the best president ever, is an incompetent asshole. 

Daniels and two other performers at the "Sirens Adult Entertainment Club" were nabbed last night for allegedly violating an Ohio law called the "Community Defense Act," which "prohibits anyone who isn't a family member to touch a nude or semi-nude dancer" (sounds like a loophole that some sleazy nightclub manager in a Carl Hiaasen novel would try to exploit). Shall we find the most prurient description of the police reports from local teevee?

During her performance, officers in the club said they witnessed Daniels using her bare breasts to smack patrons. The officers also said they observed Daniels fondling the breasts of female patrons.

The report says when the officers approached the stage, Daniels held the face of the female officer between her breasts. It also says she did the same to a male officer. The report says Daniels fondled the buttocks and breasts of another officer. At that point, court documents say a fourth officer exited the club to request assistance to make an arrest.

Haha, we are kidding about the prurience of local TV -- CNN's summary is almost the same. And you can bet that somewhere on the internet, Erick Erickson just started a column about the sort of person Democrats consider a hero. And wishing it had been a goat instead of a human lady.

An early press release from the Columbus Police tried to convince people that this was SRS BNS and a step to keep the public safe from human traffickers:  

Columbus Police Makes 3 Arrests at Adult Entertainment Club As part of a long-term investigation into allegations o… https: //t.co/gPsRRvqNTY

— Columbus Ohio Police (@Columbus Ohio Police) 1531405790.0 

Or perhaps just dangerous illegal stripping stuff.

Daniels's attorney, Michael Avenatti, tweetered that he smelled a big political rat:

Just rcvd word that my client @StormyDaniels was arrested in Columbus Ohio whole performing the same act she has pe… https: //t.co/vrjCSSvzNp

— Michael Avenatti (@Michael Avenatti) 1531370857.0 

She was arrested for allegedly allowing a customer to touch her while on stage in a non sexual manner! Are you kidd… https: //t.co/tFS8JOoIhf

— Michael Avenatti (@Michael Avenatti) 1531371979.0 

But today, apparently after Avenatti smacked them in the face with some Ohio statutes, the prosecutors moved to drop the charges after looking at the actual text of the law, which applies to persons who "regularly [appear] nude or semi-nude on the premises of a sexually oriented business." As a guest performer, Daniels was not a regular, so they decided the charges don't apply. The judge signed off on the dismissal of charges, and Daniels can now presumably be refunded her bond.

So hey, no harm, no foul, and since the two other women presumably still face charges in this important crackdown on titty bars, it would be silly to ascribe any deeper motive to Daniels's arrest, now wouldn't it?

At least until Michael Avenatti is picked up for double parking with malice aforethought.

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[ CNN / WBNS-TV / Chicago Tribune ]