274 Comments
User's avatar
DemoCat's avatar

Trump is in court charged with falsifying documents to hide hush-money payoffs to porn stars he cheated with behind his pregnant wife’s back so he could deceive voters, and he’s tweeting that he’s in court “fighting for YOU.” True hero.

Expand full comment
User's avatar
Comment deleted
May 3, 2024
Comment deleted
Expand full comment
DemoCat's avatar

Scary, no? If only Trump the deity would go full Jim Jones, buy thousands of acres in a remote part of the world where he and his cult can live lawless lives, like Pitcairn Island or Lord of the Flies, and take millions of them with him. Follow me, patriots, to the promised land.

Expand full comment
DemoCat's avatar

If anyone needed example #947 of Trump being a cancerous festering boil on the butt of humanity, there are a dozen citizens sitting day after day, tasked with the duty to intently evaluate Trump’s adulterous behavior and secret hush money deals with tabloids to hide sleazy behavior from voters. The cost to humanity will simply never end until long after he’s gone. It’s tragic.

Expand full comment
2Cats2Furious's avatar

It would be helpful to publish a source linking to the transcripts of the testimony recounted in this article. Per CNN’s live coverage, the “jerk” who called and threatened to sue over TheDirty post was Michael Cohen, not Trump.

Accuracy matters.

Expand full comment
eddi-SABH's avatar

Davidson was not used to dealing with people of abnormal morals.

Expand full comment
Zyxomma's avatar

Ta, Marcie. Not enough popcorn in the world.

Expand full comment
Anzu's avatar

When I think about all the things I would do if I had FUCK YOU levels of money and was trying to pretend like I was one of the wealthy elite and not one of the classless nouveau riche, I think almost everything that the Turnip has done would be somewhere at the bottom infinity of the list of things I would do.

Expand full comment
Daniel O'Riordan's avatar

When I heard that George W. Bush first got a passport after becoming president, I was dumfounded. I haven't traveled a lot because of financial reasons. If I'd grown up in the sort of family W did, I would have gone everywhere.

Expand full comment
Anzu's avatar

I mean, to start, I'd snap up a lot of the available real estate in my neighborhood and build the kind of housing my city needs, in the style that I want it, and donate a big chunk of land to the city for a park. My area of town has the bones for a wonderful walkable neighborhood, but investor hesitation and lack of interest by the county has caused it to be a slow, slow process. We're getting some town homes in soon, but I want more mixed use stuff, dammit. And a brew pub. I want to have everything I love within walking distance of my house. That's the dream. I'd buy out the old skating rink that was closed down again last year and reopen for the third time. (The people that own the building raised the rent, and the family that was running it as a skating rink threw in the towel. A tragedy.)

I don't want a different house. But I have a long list of things I want to do to my house to make it nicer, and one of the big projects on our To Do list will make it a little bigger. That'll be enough.

I'd finally build the fucking homeless shelter my city needs and give the middle finger to the NIMBYs that keep shooting it down.

After I've turned my neighborhood into a walkable paradise and given back to my city, I'd put whatever is left into trusts for my nieces and nephews and my disabled sister, and dump enough into an investment fund that provides an annual return and live off those proceeds.

I'd even keep my current day job, at least for a few more years. I enjoy the work, and i like my coworkers and my boss, and I'm proud of what I do. I only need another 18 months to be vested in TRS in Georgia, anyway. Rather not lose that effort, even if I'd have FUCK YOU levels of money and the pension wouldn't be necessary. It's the principle of the thing.

Expand full comment
Ellis Weiner's avatar

I keep confusing Stephanie Clifford (Stormy Daniels) and Stephanie Courtney (Flo from Progressive). Isn't that just the darndest thing?

Expand full comment
Gingerwentworth's Theory's avatar

They're both fun women, I bet that's why. That Flo-- she was so great. Once her 'kid brother' sulked in, and she said "Why the long face?" She performed the whole scene-- somehow having dredged up some 1950's acting mannerisms!!! And I remembered the entire actual exchange-- having seen it on Sky King.

Expand full comment
Ellis Weiner's avatar

Out of the blue of the Western sky comes...SKY KING! THAT Sky King? Right on.

I also liked how "Flo" played her own slack-jawed sister.

Expand full comment
Gingerwentworth's Theory's avatar

Yes and her uncle and aunt-- they were obese or had dropsy. (don't know what that is.) And I fondly recall the time she was embarrassed and hid in some shadows, and some people were there looking at her.

Expand full comment
Jeff Levine's avatar

A compliment to both!

Expand full comment
simpledinosaur's avatar

The word that could all but have been invented for Donald Trump is "tawdry." The man has NO class, and he is living proof -- if any were still needed, which it isn't -- that having piles of money doesn't make you either decent or valuable to others around you.

Expand full comment
Daniel O'Riordan's avatar

It just amazes me that there is not one positive thing you can ever say about him.

Hitler liked dogs. Well, scratch that one off the list.

Expand full comment
simpledinosaur's avatar

Yes, that is a challenge with Donald, isn't it! There's just nothing there.

Expand full comment
Zap's avatar

But he really likes overly ornate gold trim. Doesn't that count for something?

Expand full comment
simpledinosaur's avatar

Well, yes, especially if one has a gold-plated toilet seat. Now THAT'S class!

Expand full comment
Amelia Anne Cone's avatar

Marcie, you are killing it!!

Expand full comment
bluePNWcats's avatar

Ugh.... Hearing all these people's dirty shit makes me feel unclean lol

Expand full comment
kmblue187's avatar

Wonder if Trump will do anything besides whine at his rallies today.

Expand full comment
insert_something_creative's avatar

I don't think he is physically capable of not whining. The people who attend his rallies are really brain-dead cultists — it's the same old grievances, the same old whining. You couldn't pay me to listen to that asshole whine and somehow they think he's tough. Truly, up is down and a complete POS is their idol.

Expand full comment
Tessie's avatar

"I don't think he is physically capable of not whining."

`

It never fails to baffle me that anyone thinks this lump of shit is a tough guy.

As my 95 year old Dad says, "He's a petulant sissy."

Expand full comment
Daniel O'Riordan's avatar

They're turning into deadheads, more there to be part of the event with like-minded people than to actually experience something new.

Probably why they all clear out about halfway through. They've been there all day, taking part in a merch-drenched festival atmosphere, finally settling in for the rally (which he'll be late for), and about halfway through, they've heard all the greatest hits, they're exhausted, might as well head out and beat the crowd.

Expand full comment
Zap's avatar

Even when he's not whining he's whining.

Expand full comment
Tessie's avatar

Right now, we're watching "A Man in Full" mini-series (based on the Tom Wolfe novel).

The main character is an arrogant real estate developer who overextended his loans, and is now caught in a shortfall.

There's a scene where he's meeting with the bank executives and says something like (I'm paraphrasing here), "You want to start with ME? I hope you brought a bag of lunch, because it's gonna be an all-day job. You're not dealing with Mike Pence NOW, shithead."

If TFG actually reacted like that, I might (emphasize might) have a shred (emphasize shred) of respect for him. But like all bullies, he's a coward, who whines and cries and tries to get everyone else to do his dirty work FOR him, and only punches down.

Expand full comment
OneYieldRegular's avatar

"She said, 'all you have to do is talk to that asshole Michael Cohen,' and $10,000 was tacked on for me."

Goddamn. It's barely 10 a.m. and only Wednesday, and I've already had to make calls to four assholes just this week and got NOTHING above my regular pay.

Expand full comment
Daniel O'Riordan's avatar

There's assholes, and then there's ASSHOLES.

Expand full comment
HarryButtle, degenerate artist's avatar

She said, “all you have to do is talk to that asshole Michael Cohen,” and $10,000 was tacked on for me.

This is absolute gold.

"If I have to talk to Michael Cohen, you have to pay me $10 grand."

"Done!"

Expand full comment
Furiouser and Furiouser's avatar

I talked to so many assholes in my previous life in film production. If I’d gotten 10k for every one of them, I’d be living in a Tunisian villa next door to George Clooney. Unless Tunisia isn’t where he is, in which case Ryan Gosling.

Expand full comment
Zyxomma's avatar

IIRC, it's the shore of Lake Como, Italy.

Expand full comment
Furiouser and Furiouser's avatar

Praps I talked to enough assholes to have a place there too.

Expand full comment
Russell Jones's avatar

lmao

That is a GREAT story.

Expand full comment
Don'tBlameTheDog's avatar

It did have a surprise happy ending!

Expand full comment
Daniel O'Riordan's avatar

The good news? We ONLY had 750,000 unnecessary deaths from COVID due to his incompetence.

Expand full comment
Land Shark 🇺🇦 🏳️‍⚧️'s avatar

This is a mis-quote:

"They think they can BLEED ME DRY and SHUT ME UP, but I’ll NEVER stop fighting for TO TAKE YOUR MONEY!"

Yes, dipshit, they CAN shut you up.

Expand full comment
boo radley's avatar

I would expect a "billionaire" to not even blink at $9000. But of course it's not his problem, right? That's for his supporters to pay- they got him into this mess!

Expand full comment
Daniel O'Riordan's avatar

Some down ballot schmuck with an R after his name may have to tighten his belt a little. No sweat.

Expand full comment
Malcolm Campbell's avatar

"Over lunch break, Team Trump deleted the “Truths” that Judge Juan Merchan was calling “contempt” instead, and fired off a pitiful fundraising email. “A Democrat judge JUST HELD ME IN CONTEMPT OF COURT! I was fined $9,000 for 9 gag order violations. THEY WANT TO SILENCE ME! They think they can BLEED ME DRY and SHUT ME UP, but I’ll NEVER stop fighting for YOU.” "

My brother in christ, $9000 isn't even lunch money to someone who claims to be a billionaire.

Expand full comment
insert_something_creative's avatar

Funny how someone who claims to be silenced won't shut the fuck up.

Expand full comment
Daniel O'Riordan's avatar

Notice how he's only going after the judge now, the one person the judge told him he could go after?

Is our former president learning?

Expand full comment
kmblue187's avatar

But 9K sounds like a lot to the poors at his rallies.

Expand full comment
Zap's avatar

Ironic because that's who's paying it!

Expand full comment
Vagenda and Peeara's avatar

ESPECIALLY when it's other people's money.

Expand full comment
Daniel O'Riordan's avatar

OP's. That was my favorite brand of cigarette.

Expand full comment
Joe Max's avatar

Sadly, that's the maximum the court can fine someone for contempt, though the judge stated he wished he could fine Trump more.

Expand full comment
Malcolm Campbell's avatar

Which why fines should be proportional to the finances of the person committing the infraction.

"A fine is a price" and all. Fines for small infractions should not be so high as to be ruinous to the poor but if it's a laughable amount then it's a small hurdle for the wealthy to keep violating it. I remember a few years back when California enacted water restrictions and rich people kept watering their lawns because "I can afford the fine, that means I can keep my grass green, right?"

Expand full comment
Enter Ranting's avatar

Deborah Vance has entered the chat.

Expand full comment