Sunday Show Republicans Ready For WAR! WAR! WAR!

We watch so you never have to.

Donald Trump, FIFA's first “Peace Prize” winner and lifetime chair of the “Board of Peace,” started a war with Iran this weekend. (With Israel’s help! Or did Israel start a war with Trump’s help? Oh well, either way.)

If you’re wondering how you missed all the congressional debates and justifications for this, you didn’t. They never happened.

So Republican politicians were on the Sunday shows, scrambling to explain this to the American people.

SPOILERS: It didn’t go well.

Lindsey Graham

Obviously we begin with South Carolina GOP Senator Lindsey Graham’s appearance on NBC’s Meet The Press.

Graham is an old chickenhawk and former Navy JAG officer who may only be able to orgasm to war crimes, we are not certain. He’s definitely never seen an imperial atrocity or stupid, misguided American war he didn’t like. But, while his glee was quite palpable, it also made him accidentally blurt out the truth from time to time:

WELKER: Senator, let me ask you, because as you are saying, the leader — the Ayatollah supreme leader — is dead.

GRAHAM: Yeah. Right.

WELKER: Will the United States pick the next leader of Iran, or will the Iranian people pick the next leader?

GRAHAM: No. I talked to the Crown Prince. He’s got some ideas about transition.

Wait, the who? The Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, Mohammed bin “bonesawing journalists” Salman? Why is he in the discussion of US military actions and foreign policy? Unless that’s who’s directing this war in the first place and Trump is just the Saudis’ (and Netanyahu’s) bitch here. We’re sure Iranians will have no issues with Saudi Arabia deciding their fate.

Graham also started laying the groundwork to shift responsibility, once this misadventure goes bad:

WELKER: How will the United States make sure that the next Iranian government isn’t worse than the current regime?

GRAHAM: That’s not our job to pick the next Iranian government. […] It’s not my job. It’s not President Trump’s job. […] it’s not his job or my job to do this. How many times do I have to tell you? […] We don’t own — you know this idea, “you break it, you own it?” I don’t buy that one bit. It’s in America’s interest to make sure the Ayatollah is dead. He’s dead.

Party of personal oh fuck it.

Mike Turner

On CBS’s Face The Nation, Ohio GOP congressman and former House Intelligence Committee Chair Mike Turner tried his best to justify this war to Margaret Brennan (and the viewers) by redefining the meanings of words.

Like “imminent,” “obliterated,” and “intentions.”

BRENNAN: The ranking Democrat on the Senate Intelligence Committee, Mark Warner […] said there was no evidence of imminent harm to Americans or an imminent threat to our country. Were you informed of a specific and imminent threat to the United States?

TURNER: Well, this issue of imminent is really this, this fallacy […] what is imminent […] So this — this imminent issue — this imminent — this imminent issue is one where people want to have them be with their hand almost on the button to something that has been completely assembled. […] Iran was a threat […] and had the opportunity to take an action to eliminate that threat. […] We don’t have to wait-

BRENNAN: --Sorry, which threat though […] because the president said the nuclear threat was obliterated. And none of the nuclear sites--

TURNER: […] They had continued, as has- had been declared, to pursue their intention of nuclear enrichment. They had continued.

BRENNAN: [Secretary of State Marco] Rubio said they weren’t enriching.

TURNER: They had continued their intention to pursue nuclear enrichment.

So there was no threat. Got it.

Ted Cruz

Staying on Face The Nation, Texas GOP Senator Ted Cruz also had a problem coming up with evidence regarding Iran’s nuclear intentions:

CRUZ: I don't have present-day intelligence on what progress they had made towards rebuilding nuclear weapons since we bombed their facilities. I have no indication that that they were anywhere close to getting nuclear weapons because our bombing was devastating.

No intelligence or evidence of nuclear capabilities after we destroyed them previously. OK.

CRUZ: And Margaret, that's one of the reasons I urged President Trump, now is the time.

The lack of evidence is the evidence. Well, that clears that up.

WAR!

Have a week.

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