Surprise! 'Chris Christie Is A Lying Liar Who Lies About Stuff!' Love, His Staff

UH OH! It looks as though Donald Trump's faithful manservant, Chris Christie, might be in a spot of bother, again! You see, back in 2013, Christie did a press conference where he vehemently assuring reporters that he had no idea at all about any of those political vengeance bridge closings!

Reporter: “Governor, can you say with certainty that someone else didn’t on your staff or in your administration act on your behalf for the lane closures for political retribution?’’

Governor Christie: “Yeah, I have absolutely no reason to believe that, Angie, and I’ve made it very clear to everybody on my senior staff that if anyone had any knowledge about this that they needed to come forward to me and tell me about it, and they’ve all assured me that they don’t.’’

Follow up: “Your campaign chief?’’

Governor Christie: “Oh yeah. I’ve spoken to Mr. (Bill) Stepien, who’s the person in charge of the campaign, and he has assured me the same thing.’

However, a recent court filing has revealed that at the very same time Christie was saying these things, one of his aides was sexting one of his staffers about how all the words coming out of his mouth were "flat out lies." OOPS!

The aide, Christina Renna, was Christie’s former director of intergovernmental affairs, and the dude she texted was Peter Sheridan, who was working on his reelection campaign.

Ms. Renna: “Are you listening? He just flat out lied about senior staff and Stepien not being involved.”

Mr. Sheridan: “I’m listening.”

Mr. Sheridan: “Gov is doing fine. Holding his own up there.”

Ms. Renna: “Yes. But he lied. And if emails are found with the subpoena or ccfg [referring to Christie’s reelection] emails are uncovered in discovery if it comes to that it could be bad.”

Stepien, Sheridan, and Renna have not been charged in the Bridgegate scandal as of yet, though others on Christie's staff have been indicted on conspiracy charges, with one so far, David Wildstein (who was Christie's buddy from high school) , pleading guilty to having closed the lanes in order to exact revenge upon Fort Lee Mayor Mark Sokolich.

Christie, unsurprisingly, is pretty "whatever" about the whole thing, telling reporters "I absolutely dispute it. It's ridiculous. It's nothing new. There's nothing new to talk about." He then explained that it did not count because Renna was not under oath when she sent the text messages.

Christie's spokesman Brian Murray also added a statement:

“The governor’s statements have been clear. Nothing contained in this text message changes that in any way. He stands by those statements completely and unequivocally.”

This is all so very curious! Probably what really happened is this Renna chick was out to get him ALL ALONG, and sent those texts in 2013, knowing that three years later they would end up in court filings, and then everyone would think that Chris Christie was lying even though he was telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Because she is some kind of evil genius? But like, an evil genius who doesn't like to go overboard with the evil geniusing, you know?

Either that, or Chris Christie has a secret evil twin no one knows about, and he totally knew about the whole bridge thing and was in on it the whole time, and Renna thought it was the real Chris Christie but it wasn't?

OH. Or she was under a spell cast upon her by the mayor of Fort Lee, who is a secret warlock, and he voodoo'd her into typing that stuff on her phone. Or maybe Chris Christie's angry ex-girlfriend who never got over him dumping her right before prom stoled her phone and the other dude's phone and then sent those sexts without them even knowing! Or ISIS. Or time-travel is involved somehow! Or body snatchers! Or gremlins! They could have done it also! There are many possibilities, in a world where Occam's Razor is not a thing!

[ Asbury Park Press ]