Take This Quiz To Find Out If You're A Real Conservative Or A Stupid Liberal Who Hates America

• Ever wondered if you are a Smart Conservative or a total America-hating idiot? Probably not, but just in case you're confused, the folks at the National Center for Public Policy Research -- who, apparently, are not in any way kidding -- have devised a super simple quiz for you to find out:  

  A majority of Americans call themselves "conservative," but when asked what they truly believe, they're clueless! They don't honor our Constitution, they don't understand free-market principles, and they easily fall for lies about conservatives told by the liberal media.

  So where do you stand? Are you really a conservative . . . or are you straddling the fence between conservative heroism and feckless liberalism? Take the following quiz and discover just how you add up!

  The quiz includes some pretty tricky questions:

  
  
  
  
  

  Don't worry if you get all the answers wrong. Sure, it means "you are a feckless liberal," but that's OK! The organizations offers its "condolences" and will send you "something to help put you on the right path." (Spoiler: It's a free book.)

  But if you get all the answers right:

  Perfect score! You are a patriot and a worthy successor to the Founders. Here's a reward you can share with others, so America can benefit by having more right-thinkers like you.

  Good for you, Patriot, you love America just right. Enjoy your reward. (Spoiler: It's a free book.)

  Take the quiz now. Don't be afraid. There are no wrong answers, except for the wrong answers. But either way, you get a free book.

• Speaking of books, here's one you will definitely want to read, for real, even if you don't get it for free:

  Notorious R.B.G., the popular meme blog beloved by Ruth Bader Ginsburg herself , will soon be expanded into a full-blown biography of the Supreme Court Justice, co-authored by blog creator Shana Knizhnik and MSNBC reporter Irin Carmon.

• From Wonkette tipster Sebastian, the story of that time a Democrat got stuck on the toilet:  

  The short version is this: The chairwoman of the Alabama Democratic Party, Nancy Worley, sent a holiday letter to friends and Democrats all over the state describing, among other things, how she got stuck on the toilet and couldn't get up. [...]

  On Tuesday, Worley seemed confused why anyone would care about the story in her letter, which she said described a fall and her trouble with her knees.

  "Quite frankly, if someone cares about one minute detail in a letter, then they must not have anything interesting going on," she said.

• Is this the least "happy ending" ever or what?

  O.J. Simpson might still be looking for the "real killers" of his estranged wife and her male friend, but the mystery of the Juice's stolen Heisman Trophy has a happier ending.

• Today in cool dinosaur news:  

  A nine-ton block of sandstone that was pulled from a Utah mountain late last year holds the biggest fossil trove ever found of the giant predatory dinosaur known as Utahraptor. Covered in feathers, with a huge sickle claw on each second toe, Utahraptor looked like a pumped-up version of the Jurassic Park star Velociraptor.

• Do you want to know which celebrities will get "YOU'RE FIRED!" by Donald Trump on the teevee? Good news for you! Our pals at Happy Nice Time People have your Celebrity Apprenticerecap:  

  Celebrity Apprentice, the show with the most phallic opening shot in all of television, is back for another season. In the season 14 premiere, Keisha Knight Pulliam (a.k.a. Rudy Huxtable) faces off against mustache man Geraldo Rivera to see who can bake the best pies… and make the most dough.

  Opening credits roll. We are treated to multiple views of Trump Tower…

  …and the Donald’s promise that, this year, it’s going to be “bigger than ever before.” (Well it’s certainly long. The season premiere clocks in at an hour and a half. Jury’s still out on the girth, though.)