Ted Cruz Furious With Syrian Refugee Babies For Attacking Brussels Like That

fuck you, you dumb fucking shitwaffle from hell

[contextly_sidebar id="jvxmPIsZbzSCKTsRGvp1QxS8pjm85Gay"]Guess who won the contest for first Republican presidential candidate to say something real stupid and sadistic and racist in the aftermath of the terrorist attacks in Brussels? Surprise, it was Donald Trump. It's always Donald Trump. But Ted Cruz finally pulled his punchable face out of bed to take his turn, and guess what? It's time to shit on Syrian refugee babies again!

"We need to immediately halt the President's ill-advised plan to bring in tens of thousands of Syrian Muslim refugees. Our vetting programs are woefully insufficient," Cruz said during a press conference in Washington, D.C.

[contextly_sidebar id="1g1Sj7GX22gqiUMTioJsXziaUL1DjX4w"]Cruz explained, in his fearmongering racist bullshit way, that we cain't never be sure we ain't bringin' in "radical Islamic terrorists," even though our actual vetting process (as opposed to the one in Cruz's tiny shitwaffle brain) takes two years, and also none of the Syrian refugees we've admitted since 9/11 have had to be deported even a little  bit from America for being terrorists. Also, correction, Obama isn't bringing in "tens of thousands" of refugees anyway. He's bringing 10,000, which we think is a piss-poor number, quite honestly.

[contextly_sidebar id="iJoGuc9wmuSEgX13HZNozb63r8w1nchi"]Of course, Cruz specified we shouldn't help Syrian MUSLIM refugees because remember, he thinks it's OK for Syrian refugee babies and toddlers to come to America instead of getting their legs and arms blown off by bombs, but only if they love Jesus.

[contextly_sidebar id="xK4J6UYUDNKz6RBiEBiOEdT7ur1DRjzr"]Ted remembers all too well how the Paris attacks were committed by little 3-year-old Muslim tykes from Syria. They learned how to do it on the jihad version of "Dora The Explorer," OBVIOUSLY. We're sure the Brussels attacks are just the same, oh wait, we just got a New York Times alert on our Obamaphone that says ISIS has claimed responsibility. No news yet on whether it deployed its infant infantry to carry out the attacks. So maybe!

Gather around little children and foreign-born fuckface presidential candidates we'd like to deport to outer space purely on principle, and tell us: Who are the Syrian refugees fleeing from? If you said "ISIS," you get FIVE poutine sprinkles as a reward!

[contextly_sidebar id="OLt196r1ZoOkZVIodzkT7rdsFAJworUC"]Cruz, of course, is also furious that Obama is in Cuba (the oppressive place his dry-drunk dad sought refuge from like a common refugee, but that's different obviously because reasons) right now pushing for reforms instead of personally going to Brussels like Cruz would, we guess:

"While our friend and allies are attacked by radical islamic terrorists, President Obama is spending his time going to baseball games with the Castros and standing at a press conference with Raul Castro as a prop while Castro denies there are any political prisoners in Cuba," Cruz said.

[contextly_sidebar id="rMYSyK1VaiuausGKQVqZhE8nek6YjGxr"]Not sure what Ted would do when he got to Brussels, of course. Maybe he'd carpet-bomb the place with those smart carpet bombs he has that only bomb the carpet of known terrorismers. Or maybe he could just vanquish all the terrorists to death by making them stare at his smug, lipless face hole. Not sure how the rest of the Belgian population would be protected in that scenario.

[contextly_sidebar id="i1WxoFTUVoStaRKdMCV4Wv8LzvDaP5a3"]AND ANOTHER THING! And goddammit, we hate to nitpick such a gigantic fucking liar as Lyin' Ted Cruz for not being able to keep his lies straight, but Obama was being Castro's puppet at the press conference on MONDAY, which is, #calendarfact, the day BEFORE the Brussels attacks happened.

Here's what we think! We think it's time to repeat our Official Wonkette Policy On Syrian Refugees, because it is a Good Thing:

Of course U.S. America should take in refugees. It’s our fucking job. The alternative is to leave them stuck in hell, where they will either die or become radicalized against the United States. Or else we might as well replace the plaque on that nice welcoming statue in New York Harbor with one that reads, “Sucks to be you.” The lesson of World War II was supposed to be “Never Again,” not “leave ’em to die because they’re scary foreigners with the wrong religion.”

[contextly_sidebar id="znVXigNtpdFbC8lB4sFBZu6KZdM6zFWV"]And now we think we should tell Ted Cruz to go fuck his own Cuban-Canadian eyesocket with the signed baseball Barry Bamz Obama gets at his Cuban baseball game this afternoon, because we already know, with 100% certainty, EXACTLY what Obama thinks about Ted Cruz and his fellow Republicans' "ideas" about Syrian refugees. (He thinks they're giant pussies, that's what.)

[ Talking Points Memo ]