Ted Cruz To Cover His Family With Obamacare, THEN Kill It With Fire, Because He's A Dick

It must be nice to be Ted Cruz.

Sure, you have to actually be Ted Cruz, which sounds awful, but on the other hand, you get to be Ted Cruz. You can devote your entire life -- or, OK, the two years you've served in the U.S. Senate, if you wanna get technical about it -- fighting against the Affordable Care Act and then, just when you happen to need it, BOOM! It's right there for you anyway. You can swear to turn this whole country around and burn it to the ground and piss on its corpse (for extra Take That! funsies) to give Americans the Freedom And Liberty to not have affordable access to health care and go bankrupt with medical expenses or maybe just die from lack of access to a doctor. And yet, you still get to use it when your wife takes an extended (although, come on, probably notthatextended) unpaid leave from her Goldman Sachs gig to smile and wave next to you while you stump around the country saying stuff like, "I'm going to repeal every single word of Obamacare." America is a hell of a country, isn't it?

And Ted Cruz is a hell of a guy:  

"We'll be getting new health insurance and we'll presumably do it through my job with the Senate, and so we'll be on the federal exchange with millions of others on the federal exchange," Cruz said.

Asked whether he would accept the government subsidy available to lawmakers and congressional staffers for their health care coverage through the ACA, Cruz said he will "follow the text of the law."

The "law" -- which, in case you've missed any of a thousand Cruz speeches telling you isn't even legal anyway -- mandates that if Cruz wants his employer to cover his health insurance, he's got to do so through the exchanges, thanks to a HI-larious "that'll learn 'em" amendment by Iowa Republican Sen. Chuck Grassley, requiring members of Congress to use them, because pranking around with health care reform bills is an excellent way to show the world exactly how dumb your constituents are for electing you over and over again. (Really, Iowa, we got the message. There was simply no need to send pig-castrating conspiracy theorist Joni Ernst to the Senate too. We GET IT already.)

[contextly_sidebar id="LLbyeFrQOw8nBKLq4GWeVySIWHBu2Qtr"]

Unlike Cruz, we were not Ivy League educated, not even at any of those crappy safety ivies, so maybe we have no idea what we're talking about, but it seems that a man who's willing to bravely shut down the government and pass love notes in the hallway to Iran should have the courage of his convictions and refuse to make use of that sweet taxpayer-subsidized health care he hates so much. For freedom. And the taxpayers. And -- why the hell not? -- Jesus.

[contextly_sidebar id="aFGZlT23QJSCY9ARUuuM6btsf1qoe4mZ"]

Perhaps Cruz could use COBRA, which allows employees and their spouses and children to continue using "group health coverage that otherwise might be terminated." Sure, it's usually a lot more expensive, but isn't that what freedom is all about? The downside, though, is that COBRA stands for Consolidated Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act. It's another one of those pesky socialist laws that deprive people of the right to immediately lose their health care if they suddenly find themselves unemployed. Ugh, there is just no escaping the overreach of the federal government, is there?

The other problem with COBRA is that "qualified beneficiaries are entitled to 18 months of continuation coverage." Which means, if you are Ted Cruz and therefore delusional, you and your family will run out of eligibility before Inauguration Day in 2017, when Cruz is sworn into the office of the president so he can repeal every single word of Obamacare and then ... Who knows?"Hi, Blue Cross, this is President Cruz, I'm interested in purchasing private free-market health insurance for my family. Yes, that's C-R-U-Z."

Under COBRA, however, "you may become entitled to an 18-month extension ... if you experience a second qualifying event." The U.S. Department of Labor's dumb government website (THANKS, OBAMA!) does not even list "nominated for president" as a qualifying event, but when Cruz gets to the Oval Office, perhaps he can fix that too.

If Cruz is really a man of principle -- unlike those other "squishy" RINO presidential contenders, who just "walk the walk and don't just talk the talk" -- he won't let some illegitimate "law" like the Affordable Care Act get in his way, will he?

[contextly_sidebar id="zn2ElQZjDAKcQa6CP9kl1mTgdptzbk3f"]

After all, it's the worst thing that has happened to America since America elected a black man president. And it's killed all those jobs. And all those freedoms. That's what Cruz says. So oughtn't he to Take A Stand and refuse to participate in the Obamacare exchanges? Or, better and freedomier still, he could refuse to purchase health insurance for his family altogether, since all health insurance is regulated by the government. The simple act of having any insurance means he's still part of the problem, no? Wouldn't a true patriot simply pay U.S. American dollars out of pocket to whatever health care provider he or his family might require? Not that they should require any; if the Cruzes pray hard enough, God will protect them. That's how it works, right? Maybe he could double-check that with his dad, who's got a direct line to God. 

[contextly_sidebar id="dJaiv7lUrjNbnhmiFUyNRIwFpaS4CQ5c"]

Ah well, maybe Cruz doesn't love Americathatmuch. Not enough to risk getting thrown in Obama jail or watching his kids suffer from some horrible life-threatening disease. He loves America just enough to promise that'll be a problem for other Americans who are not Ted Cruz:

But, Cruz added, he'd still like to see Obamacare repealed in its entirety.

"And I believe it will be. I believe in 2017 a new president, a Republican president will sign legislation repealing every word of it. There are a fair number of Republicans in Washington and elsewhere who have quietly and privatively given up on that fight and I have not," he said.

Yes, America, it'll be a great day when President Ted Cruz (R-LOL) can finally liberate you by taking away the very thing that is saving your lives and your money because, well, fuck you, that's why. But until then, he might as well make use of it too.

[ CNN / The Des Moines Register ]