Ted Cruz Will Win Back America By Mentioning Reagan, Sexting

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Calgary) was on FIRE, y'all, preachingso hardat the attendees of this year's Conservative Political Action Conference, and unlike most of the other RINO speakers, he didn't need no stinkin' TelePrompter to testify, praise the lord!

Cruz came out swingin' like a BOSS. Or maybe like a PRESIDENT? (No, not like a president. Nothing like a president. Seriously, dude, you're never gonna be president. It is not going to happen. We'd suggest you give up now, but it's too fun watching you try, so go on, go on!)

Wow! God bless CPAC.

OK! Right to the God stuff, then, although we highly doubt God blesses CPAC so much as he keeps it on in the background, occasionally unmuting it for a chuckle if he's super bored.

"This is a room full of patriots," Cruz said, and then blah blah "America is in jeopardy" blah blah "freedom in our country" blah blah all those standard Cruzian talking points he's polishing for Iowa and New Hampshire. Speaking-in-tongues of which:

The men and women of CPAC are going to play a fundamental decision in how we turn this country around. The men and women gathered here today are going to play a critical role in reigniting the miracle of America. How do we do that? How do we win? How do we bring back the miracle that is America? Number one: We reassemble the Reagan coalition.

Ah yes, the obligatory Zombie Reagan skull-fucking portion of any Republican presidential wannabe's argument to the base that he (or she, yes yes, we know Carly Fiorina is totally ready to be the one who takes on Hillary Clinton) is The One True Reagan Heir. That's how you get to the 51 percent you need to win, Ted tells the crowd. And then you can cram your conservative agenda down the liberals' throats the way el jefe Obama has crammed Communism down our throats lo these last, dark years.

And who's the best person to gather "all three legs of the proverbial Republican stool" and get the band back together to miracle America right in the face?

It isnotHillary Clinton, that's for sure.

Hillary Clinton embodies the corruption of Washington. We need to run a populist campaign standing for hard-working men and women. We need to take the power out of Washington and bring it back to the American people. Now how do you differentiate -- there are lots of terrific candidates. 2016 looks like it’s going to be a crowded race.

Cruz then explained, without naming names OF COURSE -- and it's probably a coincidence that his speech immediately followed Obama-hugger Chris Christie's -- how to know the difference between “squishy” “moderate” Republican candidates and Ted Cruz. See, there’s Ted Cruz, who is a real conservative, and then there are all those other guys, NOT NAMING ANY NAMES.

But here are some selfless tips from Cruz. For example:

"Actions speak far, far louder than words. We need to look to people who walk the walk and don’t just talk the talk." And you know who has walked the walk, right? Hint: It rhymes with Ted Cruz.

Also: "If you are really a conservative, you will have been in the trenches, you will bear the scars, you will have been fighting the fights." You wanna see his scars? Oh, he will show you his scars. He will also tell #jokes to show that he has a Sense Of Humor.

"Obamacare is a train wreck, and that’s actually not fair to train wrecks." Ha, good one! We look forward to hearing that a million more times on the stump, it will never get old.

Finally, if you really love America and want to do some miracles to it by joining Cruz's "grassroots army," you know what you can do?

"Take out your cell phone and text the word CONSTITUTION" so Cruz can collect your data for his 2016 presidential campaign. Oh and also "to empower and energize the people." Yeah, that too. Uh huh. But don't bother texting if you have one of those free Obamaphones. There is no room for you in Ted Cruz's America, moocher.