Ted Cruz Wins Paternity Test For Heart Of Bristol Palin's Second Deadbeat Baby Daddy

Good job, Ted

While the maggot-infested trash heap that is the Palin family is drunk-brawlin' for Trump , there's one almost-member of the clan who's got a taste for Canadian bacon:

Today, the Cruz for President campaign announced the endorsement of Medal of Honor recipient and United States Marine, Sergeant Dakota Meyer. Sgt. Meyer was awarded the Medal of Honor, the highest military decoration awarded by the U.S. government in September of 2011 in recognition of his extraordinary valor, serving in Afghanistan. Meyer will be joining Cruz on the trail in South Carolina today for several events.

[contextly_sidebar id="LIuGrDStIuhU6XaAYq57Ef4xzyaLwVOg"]You loyal readers already know what else Sgt. Dakota Meyer is known for: stickin' his medal of honor right in Bristol Palin's oorah and decorating it with a baby. And then AWOLing for, oh, around nine months, until some ambulance chaser whispered in his ear that there's whore diamonds in them thar hillbillies.

That is, if we're to believe the Grizzly Mama's claim that he "wanted nothing to do with either Bristol’s pregnancy or the baby" until all of a sudden he filed for custody and -- ahem and LOL! -- child support.

Real American Hero and former Bristol-banger Dakota Meyer says Ted Cruz is the right guy for the job of U.S. president, even if he is from Canada. (Wait, maybe Dakota Meyer doesn't know Cruz is from Canada. Dakota, CALL US!)

I am confident that Ted Cruz has the ability and resolve to be Commander-in-Chief. His record of standing up and fighting for what he believes in shows that he is not someone who buckles under pressure. Ted is ready to led this country – and I look forward to help [sic] uniting [sic squared] conservatives and veterans behind this campaign.

[contextly_sidebar id="31R24sL8Wd2d7eWJktVw8ZJtBIcQEuwS"]Cruz, of course, is very honored to win the coveted endorsement of a "man of great courage and principle" who is best known for putting his dick inside of Bristol Palin without protection. Which, pro tip, is a very dumb thing to do because that hole is probably crawling with all kinds of sex cooties, since we FOR A VERY PUBLICIZED FACT know that Bristol Palin thinks safe sex is gross and ick and ewwww. Unlike, say, herpes. (What?! Does Bristol have herpes? She might, you never know.)

We expect such blatant trolling by Sgt. Meyer will provoke a very !!! blogpost from Bristol Palin's ghostblogger, who has ghostblogged previously that everyone hates Ted Cruz, which duh obvs, but this ought to make Bristol SO MAD. At least, we have our fingers crossed tighter than Bristol's legs ever were. (Ooooh, low blow, Wonkette. LOW. BLOW.)

God has been so generous to us when it comes to Palin family drama, so it's probably greedy of us to ask, but oh well fuck it, we'll ask anyway.

Dear sweet lord in heaven, may we please -- pretty please, with Bristol's cherry on top -- have an endorsement for some other presidential candidate from Bristol's long-gone and damn-near forgotten first baby daddy, Levi Johnston? Perhaps he could Feel The Bern? That is, if he doesn't already, IF YOU KNOW WHAT WE MEAN. (We mean his penis might have got diseases from Bristol's unprotected V-spot, is what we mean.)

Thanks God, and amen.

[ Cruz site ]