Ted Cruz's Allegedly Excellent Penis Adventures, Ew Gross. Your Weekly Top Ten.

Still nope.

Oh hey, WANKERS. It's time for your Saturday morning cocktail hour top ten list! And ugh, yeah, we sure did learn way more about what Ted Cruz's penis may or may not have done this week, and those stories are in the list! We're sorry for all the mental images that are in your brain right now, truly we are.

Remember, if you love your Wonkette and you love these stories and you LOVE US SO HARD, please to click this linkand throw $5 dollars at our faces, will ya? While you get your wallets out, here is a video of Wonkette Baby standing up and falling down, like a common stand-up fall-downer:

Cc Evan Hurst

Posted by Rebecca Schoenkopf on Friday, April 1, 2016

Shall we now count down the top ten stories of the week, chosen as usual by Beyoncé, ALLEGEDLY? Yes we shall, ALLEGEDLY.

1. This week's Off The Menu is restaurant customers who are STAGGERINGLY dumb. EVEN MORE THAN LAST WEEK.

2. Folks, gather 'round our feets and we will tell you about the slow, but steady unraveling of David Brooks. 

3. Katrina Pierson, that Trump spokeschick who MAYHAPS have banged Ted Cruz on his penis stick is pretty sure Cruz's wife Heidi deserves whatever she gets.

4. Those Bundy militia jailbirds? They smeared all the poop on all the things.

5. Have you seen this patriot? The cops would like to talk to him. CLICK TO FIND OUT WHY.

6. You will love these servers who told their asshole anti-minimum wage boss to shove it.

7. Is Ted Cruz an adulterous, foreign-born whore? MAYBE HE IS. 

8. Here's a Florida judge, LOLing at a sovereign citizen idiot person.

9. Surprise! Huggy cuddlebear John Kasich is actually a huge jerkface. 

10. And finally, Arizona wins the trophy for most effed-up primaries. It has a lot of competition though.

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While you are putting Wonkette in your box (AND SCROLLING BACK UP TO GIVE US 5 BUCKS IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY) here is that picture of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau doing yogasexes.

BRB swooning.

Love,

Wonket