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Ted Cruz's Underage Drinking Is The Only Thing We Like About Him
Yesterday, Buzzfeed reported that prominent Canadian gag gift Sen. Ted Cruz pled guilty to possession of alcohol as a minor in 1987. He was but a little Cruzlet in high school shortpants when he got pulled over (racially profiled?) with a fresh case of beer in his car, whoops! Put that shit in the trunk, son! Did a young Rafael Edward Cruz waive his Fourth Amendment rights? Impeach.
On one level, this is kind of a nothingburger of a story. Sure, it's a new fact about the quixotic neo-McCarthyite sideshow Sen. Cruz. Buzzfeed did the work to get Cruz's application for Texas Solicitor General, where the alcohol citation was disclosed, and they found this thing, so of course they're gonna run it. Far be it from us to wag our bony fingers at another media entity's frivolity. But not far don't it be from us to wonder why the Buzzfeed story has THREE bylines, lol wtf.
On another level, though, goddamnit Buzzfeed, don't you see what you've done? You've humanized the unhumanizable! We are relating to Ted Cruz, ew, ow, stop! It burns!
All this does is remind us of the many times we joyously broke the law when we were little Wonklets ourselves, like that time we liberated a "decorative" jug of wine from Olive Garden and drank it by the canal (statute of limitations/satire), or that time we got pulled over on New Year's Eve because we were 19 and driving a 1984 Firebird with gold-painted rims and wearing a trucker hat and we blew a .01 on the breathalyzer because we had ONE GLASS of champagne at midnight, but the cop was cool and gave us a lesser charge so we could keep our license because after all, we weren't a minority. And other stuff that would probably make you like us less if we told you, but we were young and it was fun, can we be senator now?
If you find yourself relating too much to Ted Cruz and feeling gross, just repeat after us: "I am not Ted Cruz. I don't demagogue important matters of state to advance my political career. I have never been Wonkette's Legislative Shitmuffin Of the Year. Twice. I have never tried to impeach the president for stupid made-up reasons except for that one time. I have grown intellectually and as a human since I was in college. I am not Ted Cruz. I am not Ted Cruz!"
You are not Ted Cruz.
Why not yell at Alex on Twitter? Yeah! You tell 'im!