Ted Haggard Would Be Bisexual If He Was a Hott 21-Year-Old

 
 Former leading Bush evangelical megachurch pastor/guy who did crystal meth with gay prostitutes Ted Haggard is featured in the February issue of Gentlemen's Quarterly , so that gentlemen can remove their top hats and waistcoats, sit down at the chair with some light reading, and laugh at him. "I cried when the Chilean miners got rescued. I cry when I watch Undercover Boss . I cry at anything that shows people being people. I'm a wreck," he says. Sure. And then there's stuff like this, of course: "We never had sex sex... I bought drugs and a massage from him, and he masturbated me at the end of it. That's it ." Oh, and: "I think that probably, if I were 21 in this society, I would identify myself as a bisexual."

He says that despite popular perception, he was never a right-wing power broker in the vein of Jerry Falwell. His reported weekly chats with George W. Bush were usually just briefings with low-level White House staff. He was never a homophobe, either, he says, and though he supported a 2006 amendment outlawing gay marriage in Colorado, he was also in favor of a ballot measure that would have extended domestic-partner benefits to same-sex couples.

The ol' smoking-meth-out-of-a-gay-prostitute's-anus triangulation.

Speaking of meth:

"Sometimes I'd throw it away," he says. "Other times, I'd go someplace and masturbate and use it. But it was for masturbation. And that's one of the reasons why I haven't been real clear. I don't want to stand up publicly and say, 'Hey, I'm a masturbation guy!'

Everyone needs meth to masturbate. That's how masturbation works.

"Anyway, I'm reading Romans. I just finished with Matthew, which is all Jesus, so I thought I'd harden that up with some Paul."

Ted Harggard: hardening up with some Paul. [ GQ ]