Terrifying Anthropomorphic Donut Man Casually Shares Desire To Murder The President
John Schneider was also on 'The Dukes of Hazzard,' I guess.
John Schneider, who famously starred in a television show about people who rode around in a car named after Robert E. Lee, with a Confederate flag painted on it plain as day, was revealed last night as the voice behind the anthropomorphic donut man on The Masked Singer. Perhaps bitter over coming in second to Ne-Yo, who was dressed up like a cow (seriously what even is this show?), Schneider took to Generic Social Media Site last night to demand that President Joe Biden have a chat with him about how he wants to see Biden and his son be publicly executed.
“Mr. President, I believe you are guilty of treason and should be publicly hung,” he wrote. “Your son too. Your response is..? Sincerely, John Schneider”
I am not a mind reader, but I would guess that Biden’s office might respond by sending some Secret Service agents over to visit Mr. Schneider in order to help him understand that calling for the public execution of the President of the United States is just a little bit more than the law will allow. As in, it’s an actual threat and a whole lot more of one than Kathy Griffin’s obviously satirical picture of herself holding Donald Trump’s head.
Schneider, who we can confidently say has unseated “NXIVM cult lady” as the most messed-up person to have starred on Smallville, then accused President Biden of not loving Israel enough, which … boy, really just does not seem like a thing that is remotely true.
Can anyone deny that Joe Biden has funded the Hamas barbaric and inhumane attack on Israel? 6 billion in liquidity goes a long way. A long way toward hell. What will American hostages cost this time? Biden has put a price on the head of all Americans traveling abroad.
I do, in fact, think pretty much everyone can deny that, because of how it is objectively untrue, on all accounts. The US did release $6 billion in humanitarian aid to Iran — from frozen Iranian assets — in order to secure the release of five American hostages, but the country has never actually seen a dime of it — it’s all in a bank in Qatar. It was already going to be tightly controlled, but after the October 7 attack, they’re not getting it. I guess … sorry that the President didn’t let those hostages be killed or kept prisoner anymore?
Now, I have never seen Dukes of Hazzard, but isn’t the whole show just them driving around in a car with a literal treason flag on it? Like, a flag that tells the world “You know what I think wasn’t so bad? Slavery!?” I just don’t know that you get to have that be your big claim to fame and then go around accusing anyone else of doing treason.
Schneider can probably assume that, even if he doesn’t get arrested for making threats against the President, his turn as the terrifying anthropomorphic donut man on The Masked Singer will be his last brush with anything close to mainstream success after this. At least he has his career in terrible right-wing Christian movies like Jingle Smells, that absolutely painful looking right-wing Christmas movie that Sean Hannity put out this year, to fall back on.
OK, but hear me out: A Confederate-themed high end donut franchise called Lost Cause Donuts that sneakily includes accurate Civil War history lessons on every bag and box. Subversive!
[Now, I have never seen Dukes of Hazzard, but isn’t the whole show just them driving around in a car with a literal treason flag on it?]
As I recall, the Dukes were moonshiners. Boss Hogg was corrupt and would come up with some scheme to use his position to enrich himself and the Dukes would, for some reason, get involved and stop him, usually with one or more of them getting arrested, then broken out by their cousin who tricked the deputy into thinking she'd sleep with him this time, and then a police chase, and a jump that their car survived, but the cop car didn't, and then everyone would just shrug and forget about it and no one would ever face any criminal charges.