Texas Says Sandra Bland Was Potted Up On Weed, Because That's What Makes You Die

We're still not sure how Sandra Bland died. The dashcam video told us fuck all, although whatever happened off camera sure did sound violent! The state of Texas is saying that, based on preliminary autopsy results, she hanged herself in her jail cell, but the family doesn't accept that narrative and wants an independent autopsy done. The state says jail workers failed to check on Bland once every hour, as per policy, and that Waller County was unable to prove that its employees had the correct training to identify and handle inmates who may be mentally ill or suicidal. Moreover, there are inconsistencies with mental health documents, allegedly filled out at the jail by Bland, with one saying she had suffered suicidal thoughts, and another saying the exact opposite. How strange!

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But the above paragraph is not important, because Texas would like you know that Sandra Bland was all full of the devil's marijuana herb, and we know that people who do that are thugs and criminals and probably suiciders, or maybe just deserve to die, hey yeah, that's the ticket:

"I can say she tested positive for marijuana," [Waller County A.D.A. Warren Diepraam] added.

At different points in the day, officials offered pretty much every possible explanation for Bland's marijuana use. They said that Bland had smoked or swallowed an undetermined amount of weed, sometime either before or after her arrest, and perhaps while she was in jail. Maybe she smuggled it into the facility, one official reportedly suggested. We were left with more questions than answers. Maybe Bland was ingesting marijuana while she was being slammed to the ground during her arrest, too?

Gosh damn gee willikers, this changes EVERYTHING. Because who knows what people get up to when they're potting up on weed, and whether she was a pot-swallower or a secret jail pot smoker or whatever, this is just a really good way to distract old stupid white wingnut Fox News viewers from the fact that yet another human being has mysteriously died in police custody, by telling them bad information about drugs they don't understand. Can't wait for pussy racist Sean Hannity's breathtaking report.

Because remember who ELSE was black and maybe was a big violent pot-doing weed-potter? Michael Brown of Ferguson, come on down! Except you can't, because that cop killed you. But with good reason, according to the state, because the BIG SCARY BLACKITY BLACK DEMON made him fear for his life.

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So remember kids, don't get potted up on weed, unless you want to get pulled over for failing to signal and somehow die in a jail cell three days later. Because that's what happens. OH WAIT, this only applies to black people who get pulled over. White kids, you're okay, we guess? Unless they think you're on acid in close proximity to a known jam band? But you're still mostly okay-er than black folks, due to that's just a fact and you don't get to have differing opinions on facts, because fuck off.

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Gosh, it's almost as if we live in a police state these days.

[ Huffington Post / CNN ]