I want to call out something Brando said a couple minutes ago -- so credit Brando -- but I didn't want to just reply there, because I want to pin this. Here's Brando:
>> "2) Bullying trans kids is particularly dangerous, considering how much more a trans kid likely feels like an outsider in most communities" <<
So in research that I've seen, the single biggest risk factor for suicide is suicidal ideation. If you never think about it, you'll never do it.
But after suicide becomes a possibility in the mind of a child, the biggest predictor of those who will go on to commit suicide isn't frequency of suicidal ideation, nor the intensity of it.
It's isolation.
Everyone gets shit in adolescence. It's not easy for anyone. Even if it's super relatively easy for you, you don't have anything to compare your privileged life to, and you're always going to find some things that are hard. Going from child to adult is a difficult thing.
It's when there's nowhere to turn, no help on offer: that's when suicide becomes real.
And I know that it won't always feel like a real option, and that it's hard to believe that someone you don't know at the other end of the internet or a phone call could actually care about you without knowing you, there still are places to turn, places to reach out.
I should have included in this piece a mention of 988 and the Lifeline website. I correct that oversight here:
I'm a long way from being a teenager, but I've dealt with ongoing SI for *years*. Absolutely the only reason I'm still here is; I know that there are people who love me and would be shattered by my loss. Of course duty and obligation aren't the *best* reasons to keep living, but they're better than the alternative.
Let people in your life know they're valued, loved and would be missed.
* I'm safe and getting appropriate treatment. It's just my depression is very, very stubborn.
Thank you for this, Tosca. I'm so glad you're safe and getting good help. SI is scary, scary shit; it was a thing my teen did when she was still in Jr High, and when I found out I couldn't believe it. I ran to my own therapist, who said "SI is not suicide, but it IS suicidal -- as in, this is not behaviour that's healthy for either your mind or your body." Da Fuq? It took a long long time to get my kiddo the help she needed -- she was dealing with an ED as well -- but she made it through. And I hear you about stubborn depression. :/ Hugs if you'd like some, Virgie
Thank you for this. Suicidal ideation is so scary with kids. It's always horrible, but scary with kids because kids can be impulsive. That feeling, those thoughts, can become their whole reality and they can't see past that moment.
988 is great!! You can call it, you can TEXT to it, 24/7!! I know lots of people who have used it and felt helped.
Thank you for posting that. One of my former coworkers, now retired, helps staff the volunteer hotlines for LGBTQ+ youth. As a gay man who has made it to 60 years old now, he lost almost all of his friends and lovers over the years - to suicide, to AIDS, to violence. He helps staff the hotlines as his means of giving back the fact that he's survived to retirement, a rarity for men of his cohort. The day after Pulse, he called out sick for two days. I found out later he was staffing the suicide and crisis hotlines for almost 48 hours straight. He's good people.
Since our good buddy nodak is having a big day and I know this is same/adjacent to his cause, just let me say, "Call 988 if you are thinking of hurting yourself!"
Also there's The Trevor Project, which does suicide prevention with trans kids and WILL KEEP THINGS ANONYMOUS, very important in situations where assholes would be glad to find out someone was having a crisis.
Yeah, having passive SI means you react to every "failure" (and, with depression, anything can be a major "failure") with "what if I just..." and it just fucking WEARS on you. And sometimes you don't necessarily want to die so much as just not have to deal with things.
TY, Crip Dyke. Kids are the most vulnerable, but adults are suffering mightily in this climate too. Yes, even in those "blue states" MAGA loves to blame for persecuting them. When a moral panic declares open season on an entire category of people, bullies and even murderers come out everywhere to torture them.
Hi I just subscribed to you recently and I am subscribed to Wonkette as well, but didn't realize that you write for Wonkette. Thanks so much for the heads up!
I tried to look at it too, because I take Antidepressants, and also quaff a fair bit of Benadryl this time of year. Maybe it's because I'm using a MacBook.
One thing I have not read about is that awful police interview in the ER. I see that as a likely contributing factor to Nex's death as they were shamed and dismissed by the officer.The officer basically blamed Nex and stated they could get in more trouble if they pursued charges. He kept interrupting Nex and Nex's Mom and never gathered a full account of the incident and the other bullying that Nex tried to explain. He said he had had a conversation with the school staff prior to meeting with Nex and he seemed to think very highly of the school staff he talked with and pushed Nex and their mother to feel that way too. He seemed to have a pre-determined outcome for his meeting with Nex and it did not seem to be listening and finding out about Nex's experience. As a mom of a trans young adult and a clinical social worker that interview raised all kind of red flags. I hope it is being investigated. Anyone else have this response and these questions?
Well. Speaking of Ryan Walters, today this happened...
Walters had a parent arrested and removed from the OSDE meeting. She had exceeded the alloted three minutes of public comment time, since it was taking that long to tell Walters how horrible OK's anti-trans policies (among other policies) are.
Thing is, with her were her four minor children. Walters or the state troopers made no effort to do ANYthing with these 4 children. They were abandoned in public, in downtown OKC. The mom, who is a fierce advocate for disability rights (among other things) was just carted away by the troopers and nothing was done about the kids that were there in attendance. It fell to the good graces of fucking strangers to look out for these kids.
To save you the distaste of entering the Xitter hellscape, here is the entire thread, no Xitter required. (Yes, this will probably be on OT also, for obvious reasons).
Notice that they can manage to do plenty about students who are gay or trans, but fuck all about the 2A issue that ensures that a classroom full of 9 year olds can't ever be safe from a loon with an AR-15? Then, everyone has demands a 'right' to something that is not life-affirming or even a matter of making someone's life worthwhile. Fuck that.
I will never believe the goddamned cops and first medical examiner who provided those medication levels to Dr. Melinek are not lying their asses off - I'm certain the ME can look up what 'dangerous levels/numbers' are and write those on to the report. The worthless cops, vicious DA, uncaring theocratic freakshow school officials, and <i>actually</i> evil government officials don't even actually care if they get CAUGHT lying; if the net effect is to scare NB/trans children out of OK, they are absolutely fine with it. They are inhuman.
Stitt, Walters, Woods are bigger bullies than the bullies who beat up Nex, and all of them need to be jailed until their remains can be swept up and put in a bin. I would add the parents of all these bullies because this shit doesn't come out of nowhere but I suspect I run into constitutional issues.
And it won't happen. Because unlike, say, WI, which is gerrymandered to fuck (but is at worst purple and trending blue) to put scum into office, OK is solidly red. No games needed, the population is majority homicidal and theocratic nuts.
Rat bastards. No autopsy or official explanation or any other ass covering bs will ever convince me that his death was not a direct result of bullying and the authorities siding with the bullies.
So it's probably way late after this story was posted but it's a good place to air an issue that has been bothering me and will do so for the next month or two.
We're returning to the Puget Sound area in June, in part for a wedding in the in-laws family and I know that part of that family is taking part in protests in Olympia against trans people in schools "grooming" kids. This is infuriating enough, as I know plenty of trans people and this slander is offensive.
Worse, though, is that one of our (adult) kids has come out to us (only) as NB and I'm feeling super protective of them and don't want to "just let it go". I also hate conflict and wouldn't want to ruin a wedding party. Obviously the thing to do is avoid conflict unless it comes up, and it could if I know my talibangelicals but I don't think I can stay polite if it comes to it. I may end up making a scene.
I'm going to be facing a somewhat similar situation at a wedding this summer, among Trumpy, anti-vax cousins whom I genuinely love anyway (one of them is the bride).
FWIW, here's how I've decided to handle any mention of politics or vaccination: The first time, say with a smile, "Maybe it's better we don't talk about that stuff." The second time, say it without the smile.
And if it continues, I will consider that the third strike, and I will let them have it. My full opinion -- everything they do not want to hear.
I dislike conflict too, but that goes only so far.
This piece posted *just* as I had to rush out the door, and I'm in the middle of moving, to boot. So, here I come a few hours late.
There are already 120 excellent comments here, not sure I can add too much, other than this appreciation. This entire event is what drew me back to Yr Wonkette after many years, and it wouldn't be too much exaggeration to say that all of you have kept me on the planet when I was at wit's end. When Nex's death was ruled a suicide the first thing I did was email Crip with the news. She hadn't yet heard (I believe), and the immediate response was "oh fuck...Are you ok?". That small bit of selflessness meant more than I can say. So...in order to not talk about CD like she's not even here, I invite the rest of y'all to eavesdrop on this directly addressed part of the noncomment:
Oh, Seedy One...
I've played the role of President of the Crip Dyke International Fan Club™ almost to the point of making it a character. But it's not really a character, inasmuch as it's based in utter reality. SO...
Thank you. Thank you, of course, for this heartfelt and incisive piece, just one of many.
Thank you for being the unwavering, ever steady voice of reason in speaking truth to power.
Thank you for the incredible way you have of always listening to others, and always responding in kind.
Thank you for 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐲𝐢𝐧𝐠 and for not breaking into the chem lab a second time.
Thank you for listening to and collecting others' reasons to stay.
Thank you for your incredbile breadth of knowledge and flat-out writing chops - the kind that will have me read 6000 words about Caitlin Clark when i don't know jack shit about basketball.
Thank you for staying on the planet. We need you around.
I love you, Right Reverend Feminist FuckToy of Death & Her Handmaiden.
Don't like that? Suck it, I fucking love you anyway. :)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oh, the rest of you still around? I love you guys, too. OK fuckers, now that I'm done gushing:
Also this...
Further resources: My friend/colleague Lance Preston founded the incredible Rainbow Youth Project, always going above and beyond, every last person.
"The hateful climate Benedict experienced was created and perpetuated at the highest levels of the school district, the state education system, and even the state government itself, and it’s not getting better."
-
The sad thing is, this climate of hate that we are currently seeing in Owasso, has been around in this part of Oklahoma for well over 100 years, at least. It order to explain this better, it's time for Another Angle's History and Geography Lesson.
-
First some geography. Owasso is a suburb just north of Tulsa, Oklahoma. Owasso is located within the Cherokee Nation. Tulsa and its surrounding communities are divided between the Osage, Cherokee, and the Muskogee Creek Reservations. Historically, this region was known for the Tulsa Race Riot of 1921 and also during the 1920's, the murders of the Osages for their mineral rights, as depicted in the current movie, Killers of the Flower Moon. This region also had Jim Crow laws back in the day, and on top of that, lots of wealth was created by oil money. It wouldn't surprise me that some of the descendants of those who participated in the Race Riot or what happened in Osage County over 100 years ago now live in Owasso.
-
So, this time around, instead of: it happened over 100 years ago, can we just move on now and forget, that movie is too long, instead, go visit the Pioneer Woman's Restaurant in Pawhuska, and nothing ever happened here in Owasso, let's keep reminding the powers that be in that part of Oklahoma that they are on the wrong side of history, and we won't stop until justice is served!1!!
Crip Dyke, THANK YOU for writing this. I refer to myself as "your Cishet Auntie", and I get so angry at how cruel the world can be to trans and queer kiddos. All of us who are less marginalized have a fucking DUTY to protect these kids, and to build a world that is safer and kinder for them. I can and will go Full Metal Karen on bullies and bigots, and I just wish everyone understood how we ALL need to step up, get angry, get protective. Sorry, I'm not fully alert yet, but I have a lot of feelings. Again, thank you for this article. You are absolutely correct.
Prediction: Republicans will say "Nex Benedict's death proves that trans people are likely to commit sui*de, so we should just put all trans people in prison without a trial to stop them from committing sui*de."
We need to treat Nex's death as significant no matter what, because if it gets treated as "less serious" than straight up murder, that tells bullies that they can just harass someone into suicide and walk away feeling innocent.
I want to call out something Brando said a couple minutes ago -- so credit Brando -- but I didn't want to just reply there, because I want to pin this. Here's Brando:
>> "2) Bullying trans kids is particularly dangerous, considering how much more a trans kid likely feels like an outsider in most communities" <<
So in research that I've seen, the single biggest risk factor for suicide is suicidal ideation. If you never think about it, you'll never do it.
But after suicide becomes a possibility in the mind of a child, the biggest predictor of those who will go on to commit suicide isn't frequency of suicidal ideation, nor the intensity of it.
It's isolation.
Everyone gets shit in adolescence. It's not easy for anyone. Even if it's super relatively easy for you, you don't have anything to compare your privileged life to, and you're always going to find some things that are hard. Going from child to adult is a difficult thing.
It's when there's nowhere to turn, no help on offer: that's when suicide becomes real.
And I know that it won't always feel like a real option, and that it's hard to believe that someone you don't know at the other end of the internet or a phone call could actually care about you without knowing you, there still are places to turn, places to reach out.
I should have included in this piece a mention of 988 and the Lifeline website. I correct that oversight here:
https://988lifeline.org/talk-to-someone-now/
I'm a long way from being a teenager, but I've dealt with ongoing SI for *years*. Absolutely the only reason I'm still here is; I know that there are people who love me and would be shattered by my loss. Of course duty and obligation aren't the *best* reasons to keep living, but they're better than the alternative.
Let people in your life know they're valued, loved and would be missed.
* I'm safe and getting appropriate treatment. It's just my depression is very, very stubborn.
Thank you for this, Tosca. I'm so glad you're safe and getting good help. SI is scary, scary shit; it was a thing my teen did when she was still in Jr High, and when I found out I couldn't believe it. I ran to my own therapist, who said "SI is not suicide, but it IS suicidal -- as in, this is not behaviour that's healthy for either your mind or your body." Da Fuq? It took a long long time to get my kiddo the help she needed -- she was dealing with an ED as well -- but she made it through. And I hear you about stubborn depression. :/ Hugs if you'd like some, Virgie
Thank you for this. Suicidal ideation is so scary with kids. It's always horrible, but scary with kids because kids can be impulsive. That feeling, those thoughts, can become their whole reality and they can't see past that moment.
988 is great!! You can call it, you can TEXT to it, 24/7!! I know lots of people who have used it and felt helped.
Be well, everyone.
Thank you for posting that. One of my former coworkers, now retired, helps staff the volunteer hotlines for LGBTQ+ youth. As a gay man who has made it to 60 years old now, he lost almost all of his friends and lovers over the years - to suicide, to AIDS, to violence. He helps staff the hotlines as his means of giving back the fact that he's survived to retirement, a rarity for men of his cohort. The day after Pulse, he called out sick for two days. I found out later he was staffing the suicide and crisis hotlines for almost 48 hours straight. He's good people.
Since our good buddy nodak is having a big day and I know this is same/adjacent to his cause, just let me say, "Call 988 if you are thinking of hurting yourself!"
Also there's The Trevor Project, which does suicide prevention with trans kids and WILL KEEP THINGS ANONYMOUS, very important in situations where assholes would be glad to find out someone was having a crisis.
suicidal ideation eats you up from the inside because at least the passive death wish is always there. every second of every day.
Yeah, having passive SI means you react to every "failure" (and, with depression, anything can be a major "failure") with "what if I just..." and it just fucking WEARS on you. And sometimes you don't necessarily want to die so much as just not have to deal with things.
Thanks!
TY, Crip Dyke. Kids are the most vulnerable, but adults are suffering mightily in this climate too. Yes, even in those "blue states" MAGA loves to blame for persecuting them. When a moral panic declares open season on an entire category of people, bullies and even murderers come out everywhere to torture them.
Scapegoating. It's as old as our species.
Ta, Crip Dyke. May their memory always be a blessing.
Hi I just subscribed to you recently and I am subscribed to Wonkette as well, but didn't realize that you write for Wonkette. Thanks so much for the heads up!
A note: the serotonin syndrome link goes to apple.com.
I tried to look at it too, because I take Antidepressants, and also quaff a fair bit of Benadryl this time of year. Maybe it's because I'm using a MacBook.
I'm on a PC, so I think it's just a typo.
One thing I have not read about is that awful police interview in the ER. I see that as a likely contributing factor to Nex's death as they were shamed and dismissed by the officer.The officer basically blamed Nex and stated they could get in more trouble if they pursued charges. He kept interrupting Nex and Nex's Mom and never gathered a full account of the incident and the other bullying that Nex tried to explain. He said he had had a conversation with the school staff prior to meeting with Nex and he seemed to think very highly of the school staff he talked with and pushed Nex and their mother to feel that way too. He seemed to have a pre-determined outcome for his meeting with Nex and it did not seem to be listening and finding out about Nex's experience. As a mom of a trans young adult and a clinical social worker that interview raised all kind of red flags. I hope it is being investigated. Anyone else have this response and these questions?
Well. Speaking of Ryan Walters, today this happened...
Walters had a parent arrested and removed from the OSDE meeting. She had exceeded the alloted three minutes of public comment time, since it was taking that long to tell Walters how horrible OK's anti-trans policies (among other policies) are.
Thing is, with her were her four minor children. Walters or the state troopers made no effort to do ANYthing with these 4 children. They were abandoned in public, in downtown OKC. The mom, who is a fierce advocate for disability rights (among other things) was just carted away by the troopers and nothing was done about the kids that were there in attendance. It fell to the good graces of fucking strangers to look out for these kids.
To save you the distaste of entering the Xitter hellscape, here is the entire thread, no Xitter required. (Yes, this will probably be on OT also, for obvious reasons).
https://threadreaderapp.com/thread/1783579494738981170.html
Notice that they can manage to do plenty about students who are gay or trans, but fuck all about the 2A issue that ensures that a classroom full of 9 year olds can't ever be safe from a loon with an AR-15? Then, everyone has demands a 'right' to something that is not life-affirming or even a matter of making someone's life worthwhile. Fuck that.
I will never believe the goddamned cops and first medical examiner who provided those medication levels to Dr. Melinek are not lying their asses off - I'm certain the ME can look up what 'dangerous levels/numbers' are and write those on to the report. The worthless cops, vicious DA, uncaring theocratic freakshow school officials, and <i>actually</i> evil government officials don't even actually care if they get CAUGHT lying; if the net effect is to scare NB/trans children out of OK, they are absolutely fine with it. They are inhuman.
Stitt, Walters, Woods are bigger bullies than the bullies who beat up Nex, and all of them need to be jailed until their remains can be swept up and put in a bin. I would add the parents of all these bullies because this shit doesn't come out of nowhere but I suspect I run into constitutional issues.
And it won't happen. Because unlike, say, WI, which is gerrymandered to fuck (but is at worst purple and trending blue) to put scum into office, OK is solidly red. No games needed, the population is majority homicidal and theocratic nuts.
Rat bastards. No autopsy or official explanation or any other ass covering bs will ever convince me that his death was not a direct result of bullying and the authorities siding with the bullies.
So it's probably way late after this story was posted but it's a good place to air an issue that has been bothering me and will do so for the next month or two.
We're returning to the Puget Sound area in June, in part for a wedding in the in-laws family and I know that part of that family is taking part in protests in Olympia against trans people in schools "grooming" kids. This is infuriating enough, as I know plenty of trans people and this slander is offensive.
Worse, though, is that one of our (adult) kids has come out to us (only) as NB and I'm feeling super protective of them and don't want to "just let it go". I also hate conflict and wouldn't want to ruin a wedding party. Obviously the thing to do is avoid conflict unless it comes up, and it could if I know my talibangelicals but I don't think I can stay polite if it comes to it. I may end up making a scene.
The whole scenario makes me angry and anxious.
I'm going to be facing a somewhat similar situation at a wedding this summer, among Trumpy, anti-vax cousins whom I genuinely love anyway (one of them is the bride).
FWIW, here's how I've decided to handle any mention of politics or vaccination: The first time, say with a smile, "Maybe it's better we don't talk about that stuff." The second time, say it without the smile.
And if it continues, I will consider that the third strike, and I will let them have it. My full opinion -- everything they do not want to hear.
I dislike conflict too, but that goes only so far.
This piece posted *just* as I had to rush out the door, and I'm in the middle of moving, to boot. So, here I come a few hours late.
There are already 120 excellent comments here, not sure I can add too much, other than this appreciation. This entire event is what drew me back to Yr Wonkette after many years, and it wouldn't be too much exaggeration to say that all of you have kept me on the planet when I was at wit's end. When Nex's death was ruled a suicide the first thing I did was email Crip with the news. She hadn't yet heard (I believe), and the immediate response was "oh fuck...Are you ok?". That small bit of selflessness meant more than I can say. So...in order to not talk about CD like she's not even here, I invite the rest of y'all to eavesdrop on this directly addressed part of the noncomment:
Oh, Seedy One...
I've played the role of President of the Crip Dyke International Fan Club™ almost to the point of making it a character. But it's not really a character, inasmuch as it's based in utter reality. SO...
Thank you. Thank you, of course, for this heartfelt and incisive piece, just one of many.
Thank you for being the unwavering, ever steady voice of reason in speaking truth to power.
Thank you for the incredible way you have of always listening to others, and always responding in kind.
Thank you for 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐲𝐢𝐧𝐠 and for not breaking into the chem lab a second time.
Thank you for listening to and collecting others' reasons to stay.
Thank you for your incredbile breadth of knowledge and flat-out writing chops - the kind that will have me read 6000 words about Caitlin Clark when i don't know jack shit about basketball.
Thank you for staying on the planet. We need you around.
I love you, Right Reverend Feminist FuckToy of Death & Her Handmaiden.
Don't like that? Suck it, I fucking love you anyway. :)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oh, the rest of you still around? I love you guys, too. OK fuckers, now that I'm done gushing:
Also this...
Further resources: My friend/colleague Lance Preston founded the incredible Rainbow Youth Project, always going above and beyond, every last person.
https://www.rainbowyouthproject.org/
(317) 643-4888
"The hateful climate Benedict experienced was created and perpetuated at the highest levels of the school district, the state education system, and even the state government itself, and it’s not getting better."
-
The sad thing is, this climate of hate that we are currently seeing in Owasso, has been around in this part of Oklahoma for well over 100 years, at least. It order to explain this better, it's time for Another Angle's History and Geography Lesson.
-
First some geography. Owasso is a suburb just north of Tulsa, Oklahoma. Owasso is located within the Cherokee Nation. Tulsa and its surrounding communities are divided between the Osage, Cherokee, and the Muskogee Creek Reservations. Historically, this region was known for the Tulsa Race Riot of 1921 and also during the 1920's, the murders of the Osages for their mineral rights, as depicted in the current movie, Killers of the Flower Moon. This region also had Jim Crow laws back in the day, and on top of that, lots of wealth was created by oil money. It wouldn't surprise me that some of the descendants of those who participated in the Race Riot or what happened in Osage County over 100 years ago now live in Owasso.
-
So, this time around, instead of: it happened over 100 years ago, can we just move on now and forget, that movie is too long, instead, go visit the Pioneer Woman's Restaurant in Pawhuska, and nothing ever happened here in Owasso, let's keep reminding the powers that be in that part of Oklahoma that they are on the wrong side of history, and we won't stop until justice is served!1!!
Crip Dyke, THANK YOU for writing this. I refer to myself as "your Cishet Auntie", and I get so angry at how cruel the world can be to trans and queer kiddos. All of us who are less marginalized have a fucking DUTY to protect these kids, and to build a world that is safer and kinder for them. I can and will go Full Metal Karen on bullies and bigots, and I just wish everyone understood how we ALL need to step up, get angry, get protective. Sorry, I'm not fully alert yet, but I have a lot of feelings. Again, thank you for this article. You are absolutely correct.
Prediction: Republicans will say "Nex Benedict's death proves that trans people are likely to commit sui*de, so we should just put all trans people in prison without a trial to stop them from committing sui*de."
We need to treat Nex's death as significant no matter what, because if it gets treated as "less serious" than straight up murder, that tells bullies that they can just harass someone into suicide and walk away feeling innocent.