The Autopen Wrote EPSTEIN! Tabs, Tues., July 29, 2025
And then the autopen wrote tabs!
Hola! Tabs!
Donald Trump has a very strange babbling fever dream to share about how the Democrats probably put something in the Epstein files to make him look very bad. “I can say this: those files were run by the worst scum on Earth. They were run by Comey, they were run by Garland, they were run by Biden — and all of the people that actually ran the government, including the autopen. The whole thing is a hoax. They ran the files—I was running against somebody that ran the files.” God fucking dammit, he speaks worse English than literally every immigrant his Nazis are trying to deport. Also he is senile. And certifiably insane. And still sounds fucking guilty as shit. [JoeMyGod]
Donald Trump ALSO has a weird new reason why he and his best pedophile friend Jeffrey Epstein broke up. Was it the “Epstein is pedophile” thing? Hahahahaha! No! Apparently Epstein kept stealing staffers Trump really liked or something? That’s crossing a line! [AP]
Charlie Kirk is scared, y’all:
Charlie is responding to the terrible shooting that happened in Manhattan yesterday, but can I just personally say to his general sentiment, what a cowardly little bitch. Jesus Christ. I cannot imagine what it must be like to walk around with that face, obviously, but on top of that to be so fucking scared at all times, especially in such an incredibly safe city? Yes, bad things can happen there, just as they can happen anywhere. But I have walked all over that city, in the past two years, at nothing-o-clock in the morning, by myself, and haven’t worried a bit. I paid attention to my surroundings, like a person who is not a goddamned moron. But scared? My god. Sorry, I didn’t have time to be scared. Too busy ordering twice as much food as I needed at the halal cart.
Also? Fuck Charlie Kirk’s prayers, nobody wants to hear them, least of all God.
Mehdi Hasan has a response to the specific subject at hand in Kirk’s tweet:
In other words, somebody worth more to this country than Charlie Kirk ever will be. Condolences to this hero’s family, and to all the other families of the victims of this terrible crime in New York City last night.
Jesse Watters has some real fucked up psychosexual issues, y’all.
Also Donald Trump looks like a bunch of blubber draped on a misshapen wire hanger, but hey, whatever gets you off, Jesse.
“The allegations and the conspiracy theories by Tulsi Gabbard would be sad if they weren’t so dangerous. She has turned herself basically into a weapon of mass distraction,” said Democratic Rep. Jason Crow on Fox News, and he just kept debunking Russia’s Girlfriend’s bullshit, right there on Fox News. The Fox News Blonde did not like that.
Trump got his almost billion-dollar free gift airplane from Qatar, we guess. (Billion because it’s going to cost $934 million to renovate it to turn it into the history’s ugliest, tackiest golden Air Force One.) Who’s paying the billion? Just like his tariffs, it’s the American people! But don’t worry, it is specifically being paid by the fund that’s supposed to pay for modernizing our nuclear missiles, which apparently we direly need. It will probably not be ready until he’s about done being president. If he hasn’t died of cankles by then, he’s keeping it! [ABC News / New York Times]
Speaking of funds being diverted, Secretary Shitfaced is taking $200 million away from things like new Marines barracks and military-run schools and using it to build a teeny tiny section of Donald Trump’s precious border wall. We read military Reddits a lot, and you know what they complain about a lot, LIKE A LOT? Things like needing new barracks. So that’ll be another good reason for the entire military to utterly disrespect Secretary Shitfaced. [Task & Purpose]
Former Democratic North Carolina Governor Roy Cooper is runnin’ for the Senate, the seat Thom Tillis is vacating! And boy, is he popular in that state. You might want to give him money. [Roy Cooper]
Meanwhile, one of the weirdest most pig racist Republican members of the House, Mike Collins, just a real dumb bigot, is running against Jon Ossoff in Georgia. He’s so thorough he spelled “Georgia” wrong in his launch video. So maybe go give Jon some of your money! [JoeMyGod / JoeMyGod / Jon Ossoff]
And speaking of people that some people would LIKE to run for things, are y’all aware of Texas Democratic State Rep. James Talarico yet? He goes viral all the time lately for kicking MAGA Republicans’ asses and making them look like idiots. Anyway, he went on Rogan last week, and he has that Pete Buttigieg gift for speaking to those kinds of audiences. Get to know him better at my Friday place! And DO PLEASE subscribe while you’re there! [The Moral High Ground]
Zohran Mamdani got married in Uganda, and Republicans and their media, those great understanders of the actual definition of the word “socialism,” are extremely mad Zohran and his wife didn’t get married by, we dunno, exchanging rings made out of three rotten beans and crying. Because isn’t that what SOCIALISTS do? Republicans and their media are dumb pigfucks, just kidding their target audience are dumb pigfucks, Republicans and their media know exactly what they are doing.
That bald white fascist scumbag fistula who runs the Heritage Foundation has a plan for letting Hitler’s loyal MAGA cocksuckers take over thriving blue cities like Austin and Nashville: just have the Nazi state legislatures “de-charter” the cities and take ‘em over! Because that’s what you do when cities don’t represent the “will of the people,” which to these people means whatever white Nazis want, regardless of majorities, regardless of who actually lives in those cities. (Not GOP Nazis!) [Right Wing Watch]
Instagram showed me a comedian named Atsuko Okatsuka, she’s great!
Saw a film that’s really going places, it’s called Bridesmaids? Had never seen it before! Perhaps you have also never seen it before, or maybe you have. Anyway, that is another recommendation for an “artistic experience”!
Have you seen any movies lately that are going places? Tell us in the comments!
Evan has a side project called The Moral High Ground, you should check it out and subscribe there too!
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Smol koal gif source info: https://martiniambassador.substack.com/p/joey-emerges
And your meme chat: https://open.substack.com/chat/posts/19ed19a2-8525-4370-abcb-82e1c0c2ea5c?utm_source=share
Comey and Gariand were in the government making autopens and I saw one of the autopens and the Biden hoax files looked at me!