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The Cooch Will Sell You Shooting-An-Unarmed-Black-Boy Insurance In Case You Shoot An Unarmed Black Boy
It is pretty hard for a Second Amendment Patriot to live in this nation of jackbooted thugs grabbin' our guns every time we accidentally shoot our drinking buddy to death, after already having domestic violenced our girlfriend, and shot at another drinking buddy but without accidentally killing him, oh and also we are blind. Oh wait, we forgot: in that case we get to keep our guns. But even so, that guy, who -- we repeat -- killed one man, beat the shit out of his girlfriend, shot 15 rounds at another dude, and GOT TO KEEP HIS GUNS, had to spend a lot of money on lawyers and stuff, and how is that even fair?
Well Ken Cuccinelli, former Virginia attorney general and a gubernatorial candidate so bad he lost to Terry McAuliffe, has got himself an awesome little small business now, doin' small business, creatin' some jerbs (for Ken Cuccinelli), and that small business is being a lawyer who helps you get out of all your terrible gun-related crimes, that you did, with a gun. And he's got a pretty sweet little way to help you plan ahead, for when you figure you might, accidentally, through no fault of your own, shoot and kill another human being, at a later date. It is so terribly important, like the queers in the Boy Scouts say, to Be Prepared.
“A legal retainer with Virginia Self Defense Law costs as little as $8.33 a month — less than half the cost of a hunting license,” the firm’s Web site says. “Don’t be a victim! Don’t let these realities become your family’s fiscal nightmare!”
For that price, the firm promises to defend clients facing firearms charges stemming from an act of self defense and those who have been “harassed by law enforcement for lawfully carrying their weapon.”
If I had $8.33 for every time law enforcement harassed me for lawfully carrying my weapon, I would have no dollars and no thirty-three cents, because I am not a fucking asshole who can't feel like a big man unless he is waving a metal penis around. But that is not the point! The point is, how is Cuccinelli convincing the rubes to give him money before they've even done their crimes? Easy. They're rubes, like I just said.
One of the stories featured [on the firm's website] is about the legal bills racked up by George Zimmerman, the Florida man acquitted in July in the shooting death of an unarmed teenager.
“All of us . . . can name cases we know of in various places where really outrageous things went on just to torment lawful, law-abiding gun owners,” Cuccinelli said in an interview. “We’re filling a market need.”
It's true. Poor George Zimmerman, really outrageously tormented just for killing an unarmed boy. Clearly, you need to get you some of this peace of mind, for the next time you accidentally shoot an unarmed black boy, or your drinking buddy. How does it work?
Gun owners who pay the monthly fee can count on the firm’s lawyers to represent them for free in court in self-defense and right-to-carry cases. If they pick up a weapons charge while dealing drugs or engaging in some other sort of illegal activity, all bets are off. The firm has an out through what Cuccinelli calls the “sex, drugs, rock-n-roll clause.”
Also, no performing abortions with your guns, probably, we imagine. Ken Cuccinelli will probably definitely not represent you if you self-defend-yourself against an unborn baby. Only post-utero abortions, the only kind God and Ken Cuccinelli love.