The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Says Obama Is World's Weakest, Most Powerful Despot

On this week's Fartknocker Report, Sarah Palin can't seem to make up her mind. In a video published on April 7, Palin insists that we need a new constitutional convention because Barack Obama's tyranny has irrevocably broken the dreams of the Founding Fathers. The next day, she tells us about a group of gun nuts who got Obama's ATF to back down by boldly submitting public comments, just like the men at Valley Forge did. The Tundra Grifter was a little all over the place this week, but what else is new?

We're going to start with the constitutional convention video, so if anyone needs to grab their tricornered hat, now is the time. Loyal readers of Yr Wonkette will recall that Bristol Palin called for this convention months ago, but we shall allow Mother Palin to make the case in her own words.

[A constitutional convention] is an option our Founders gave us in Article V of our Constitution. They gave us Article V as the ultimate security check just in case the federal government grew too large, too corrupt, too incompetent, and just in case the powers-that-be in Washington refuse to reform themselves. Well folks, we're there! The time for this idea is now!

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Convincing her subscribers of Barack Obama's tyranny is the easy part of Palin's pitch. The hard part comes next, when Governor Quitterface seeks to assure the rubes that a second constitutional convention would not put the entire Constitution on the table. Fear not, Palin tells her viewers, for a second constitutional convention will confine itself to issues that We, The People consider bad, squicky, or gross!

Well, again, let me put their minds at ease. Here are four reasons why a convention of states is safe. Number 1, the applications that the state legislatures are passing right now define the topics to be addressed at the convention. Anything beyond that scope is out of order.

Excellent point, Governor, excellent parliamentary point. Let's take a look at two of the resolutions passed by the several states to see the clear consensus regarding Barack Obama and the aforementioned tyranny thereof.

Vermont: "... for the sole purpose of proposing amendments [...] that would limit the corrupting influence of money in our electoral process, including,inter alia , by overturning the Citizens United decision ..."

Florida: "... for the sole purpose of proposing an amendment [...] to provide that Congress shall pass no bill, and no bill shall become law, which embraces more than one subject, that subject to be clearly expressed in the bill's title ..."

Clear as moose chili! Then Palin says some more words before launching into her closing argument. You can tell it is her closing argument because she uses the phrase, "the bottom line," like all true leaders do.

Here's the bottom line: We already have a runaway Congress and a runaway President. The Founders gave us Article V of the Constitution to stop them, and it's time to use it. You can learn more about the convention of states, I sure hope you get involved in this one.

Exactly 24 hours later, the Sarah Palin Channel published a second video. In the second video, the Governor is wearing the same red blazer in front of the same fireplace, only this time, the Dread Tyrant Obama seems a little, we don't know, softer? More dad-jeansy? It seems the Kenyan despot was poised to ban one particular type of armor-piercing ammunition, but then America's gun-humping citizen-patriots rose up.

Well, it's easy to get discouraged in Obama's America, with his pen and phone, he tramples the Constitution, he bypasses Congress, and he works to enact his agenda over the protests of the American people [ Boo! ]

Yr Wonket stands by that transcription, by the way—the sound production values in this week's second video are through the roof (by Palin's standards) and set to a seriously bitchin' bass line (by Palin's standards). We digress.

But sometimes, just sometimes, the American people speak so loudly that even this administration can hear. And that's what happened when the ATF tried to unilaterally ban a kind of ammunition commonly used in AR-15 rifles. [ Bang! ] They wanted to ban it not because the ammo was defective, but because the ATF thought the ammunition could be dangerous.

Guess what, any ammunition can be dangerous! Especially if it's used improperly or illegally. A lot of things can be dangerous if used improperly or illegally. Take cars for example cars ... [ screeeech, crash ]

The public outcry came mostly in the form of about 80,000 comments on the ATF's website. For comparison, net neutrality garnered about 3.7 million, which is why Sarah Palin is going to sue Barack Obama for not listening to the people about net neutrality.

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It also probably helped the gun nuts' cause that the ATF "knew this issue about armor-piercing ammunition was of such importance to industry,” according to a trade association vice president quoted by the Washington Times . Ah, the stories we tell ourselves ...

With this week's videos, Palin has proven that Barack Obama is Schrödinger's tyrant. He is simultaneously both an omnipotent dictator and a weak, feckless, naive figurehead. This is Sarah Palin's reality, and thousands of people are paying actual money to hear about it.

 The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, presented by Fartknocker, was brought to you by Fartknocker. 

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