The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin So Mad Obama Won't Stop Murdering The African Christians

On this week's Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker, Sarah Palin provides further evidence that news travels to Alaska via dogsled, paddlewheel steamers, and three-eyed ravens. We simply cannot come up with any other explanation for this bit of Palin-flavored conserva-whining about an al-Shabaab attack in Kenya from early April:

Wow, are massacres of Christians now so routine that, shoot, they can barely break into the news cycle? Seems that way. In Kenya, a jihadist group every bit as radical as ISIS stormed into a college, they separated the Christians from the Muslim students, and they didn't stop shooting Christians until more than 140 Christians lay dead.

Governor Quitterface then buttresses this assertion by providing video footage of the shooting from the lamestream media, which somehow managed to cover the story three full weeks before Palin did. Wow, are massacres of Christians now so routine that, shoot, Sarah Palin won't even feature them on her grifty Internet teevee channel? Seems that way.

Palin then claims that "Christians are being targeted for murder in our long war against Islam," which is certainly one way to think about it. Here is a short list of other groups that have been targeted by jihadist shitheads. We are just spitballing here, so if we missed any prominent groups, please point them out in the non-existent comments section.

•  The government and army of Bashar al-Assad 

•  Shia Muslims 

•  Sunni Muslims 

•  Sufi Muslims 

•  Anyone who wants to get a Western education 

•  Women who don't want to party like it's 1599 

•  Buddhists 

•  Art lovers and historians 

•  Cartoon rodents 

Who are we missing? Oh yes, that's right, we are missing everyone who doesn't subscribe to a particularly batshit form of a particular form of monotheism, our mistake. Thankfully, we have Sarah Palin to remind us that Christians are still capable of climbing up on crosses for all the world to see.

The Obama administration, it's focusing its energy on things like appeasing Iran while alienating Israel. Our priorities are exactly backwards. These backward priorities are killing the Christian faith in the Middle East. They're killing Christians in Africa.

Huh, that's weird, we could have sworn that Palin just told us that jihadists from al-Shabaab were killing Christians in Africa. Now, it seems, Barack Obama is at fault for all those Christian deaths! Makes sense.

And wait, Kenya? Isn't that the same country where prisoner-of-conscience and convicted felon Dinesh D'Souza claims that Obama's father developed his socialist anti-colonialism ? Oh our benevolent sky-god, this is exactly what Dick Cheney said would happen!

 We're through the looking glass here, people. 

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 The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, presented by Fartknocker, was brought to you by Fartknocker. 

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