The Heart Wants What It Wants: THERAPY!

Self-helpy AF

Many demons creep up on us, even in the bathtub. Some, like Polly the Demon Queen, are glorious. Some, like depression, can kiss my ass!

Welcome to an advice column by me, Sara Benincasa, a person with many opinions. This column will not diagnose or “cure” anything. Hopefully, reading it will entertain and perhaps comfort you. Think of it as your favorite candy but somehow it is full of useful nutrients and helps keep you regular. Send questions to saratoninnewsletter@gmail.com. If I use your question, I’ll  keep you anonymous.

Dear Sara,

I'm retired and recently had some cardiac issues that required a stay in the hospital twice. I feel pretty good physically but mentally I feel like, what's the point? I’m still young (65) too. I have my family, but they really don't need anything from me. I know there’s all kinds of opportunities to volunteer. I’ve done some stuff but I just don’t feel useful. What’s wrong with me? — Alive But Unenthused

Dear ABU,

I’m no doctor, but I’d wager that emotionally speaking, there is nothing “wrong” with you, dammit. In fact, your mind, body and soul are right on schedule. Did you know that depression is very common after hospitalization, particularly for cardiac issues? In fact, according to our nerdy little friends at Johns Hopkins Medicine, depression and heart disease often go together like shit peanut butter and garbage jelly.

I don’t know the specific nature of your malady, but methinks it don’t much matter in the grand scheme of this here column. Something went awry with your ticker and now you feel shitty. The first step to feeling better is to learn more about how you’re not alone! Allow Auntie Sara to quote these overeducated humans of Baltimore and tell you some of the stuff that often gets affected (passive voice, I’m living on the edge!) by a cardiac event — emphasis my own:

Attitude and mood

Sense of certainty about the future

Confidence about one’s ability to fulfill the roles of a productive employee, mother, father, daughter, or son

Feelings of guilt about previous habits that might have increased the person’s heart attack risk

Embarrassment and self-doubt over diminished physical capabilities

I have had the opportunity to work with excellent humans of your age and gender (I AM MAKING A GENDER ASSUMPTION HERE) who have dealt with depression related to their own health and/or to the health of their loved ones. In fact, I have seen some experience suicidal ideation. Thankfully, they were able to access care with good psychiatrists and psychologists.

Now since we are dealing with an issue about mental health, I want to add a reminder to all readers: to the best of my ability, I will disguise the identity of everybody who writes to me if I use your story. Even if I don’t use it, I will keep your words private unless I fear for your safety or the safety of those around you. I taught in high school classrooms before and while I got my M.A.T., and those were the rules for my writing students then, and those are the rules for my adult writing students and editing clients, and those are simply the rules!!!

Back to the situation at hand.

We don’t talk enough about depression in those of AARP age and beyond. When we do, it is often is related to isolation — or to the fact that THEY CAN BE IN THE AARP BUT CANNOT AFFORD TO RETIRE WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK ARE WE EVEN DOING TO ELDERS AND YOUTH IN THIS COUNTY WHAT THE FUCK FUCK FUCK. (Sorry, vulgar.)

Thanks to advances in medicine (NOT JUST AT JOHNS HOPKINS YOU EGOTISTICAL CRAB CAKE EATING MEDICAL GENIUS BASTARD PEOPLE WHOSE SAT SCORES I ENVY, HON) and all that, folks in some demographics are living longer and longer. Why do I say some? Well, there’s the insidious epidemic of weathering, a term used for how racism negatively impacts Black people and other Americans of color over the long term. For more info, check out this article and short episode from NPR. (Some of youse are intimately familiar with this experience and don’t need me or the network that brought you “Wait Wait ... Don't Tell Me!” to give you more info, but anyway, some of us need to learn more.)

Now, Alive But Unenthused, all I know about your story is what you shared in your letter. You are 65, in reasonably good health after these cardiac events, and not in isolation. You’ve got a family, but you feel they aren’t as dependent on you as they once were.

But take it from the doctor people at Johns Hopkins and also me, a person who took three years to finish a “one-year” M.A. in Teaching at Teachers College (our nation’s most creatively named graduate school) and then never used her degree in a classroom after that: EVERYTHING YOU ARE FEELING IS NORMAL. YOU ARE NORMAL.

Not average! Not boring! Not unlovable! NORMAL.

People get to have feelings about all sorts of things. Not all these feelings need be sparkly and bright and shiny. I mean, shit, I just moved to Chicago on Friday (the better to creep outside the homes of Rebecca and Robyn and deface the exteriors with toilet paper and pansexual art a.k.a. I spray-paint images of buttholes on their windows) and I have a lingering cough (allegedly non-contagious and possibly a dust allergy) and I am feeling a little down. It’s the season, it’s not feeling my best, it’s not having a desk or chair or clothes beyond what was in my backpack yet. Do you think I’m broken because I’m a little sad? Of course you don’t! (I am reading your mind.)

Now consider that you had to go to the hospital twice for your heart! It made you confront your mortality a bunch! And now it is December! Fa la la la fake good cheer on the TV and the radio when you’re feeling useless? Of course you’re fucking dispirited!

I think a counselor might be of great assistance to you. Some people prefer a social worker, psychologist or psychiatrist who is their own age or older. Some prefer the insight of a younger clinician. Your mileage may vary, and you may have limited options, but keep in mind that you deserve empathetic care no matter what.

A good place to start is to reach out the hospital where you’ve been treated to inquire if they have any individual or group resources for folks dealing with depression after hospitalization. Here are a few other resources:

Life After a Heart Attack: Caring for Your Mental Health — Cleveland Clinic

Why a cardiac crisis also can be a mental health issue — American Heart Association

Recognising emotional changes — Heart Foundation (They’re in New Zealand so they spell stuff weird and also you have to imagine this whole article in their whimsical accent, that is a rule.)

If you are part of a faith community, they may have counseling via your clergy (this may or may not be to your liking.) In a pinch, I usually hit up the Unitarians for this shit. A Unitarian will generally know 85 social workers and/or where all the grief groups with good snacks are. This is a science fact from the Bible they sort of sometimes believe in.

Also, atheists believe in counseling, too! I mean, maybe some don’t, but whatever. I’ve met some very sympathetic secular humanists in my day who greatly enjoy helping others.

Oh, and the community service thing — my sibling in this world ruled by Thanos, know this: In the words of every flight attendant aka skyborne lifesaver who deserves union protections and excellent pay, put on thine own oxygen mask first. Being of service is enormously important and is the foundation of many spiritual and secular philosophies. However, you won’t have anything to give if the tank is empty. In this case, the tank is in the plane. Am I delirious? Possibly, but I’m also not wrong!

I’m very proud of you for reaching out and being honest about this. You have no idea how many other people will relate to you. Okay I’m going to drink tea now, fare thee well and know that you can ask for help and be of help all at once. Going to therapy makes you a job creator!

OPEN THREAD!